we will be away..

we will be away for some time due to other obligations now that are fulfilling our lives and time..

we will not have the time to visit any blogs or forums..

we hope to be able to return one day..

to all our friends and readers.. be safe and we love you..

marlo

may be to stay in dark. think dark where i be long not here. clinic lady not the same i meet. light scare me now dark i be long to stay hold with secrets.

just writing to try to get things out..

its my turn.. taken the time to take those deep breaths.. feels like my thoughts and emotions are going too fast for me right now.. ealier was getting hard to talk.. and i was shutting down.. feeling so ashamed.. like i just couldnt do anything right.. not say the right things.. think the right things.. feel the right way.. if there is a right way to feel? i dont know.. was just feeling very confused.. and ashamed and embarassed cause i of something that scares me and some within.. i was getting too caught up in things that had not even happened yet.. but the thought of them happening or the day coming and things not being set up ahead of time scared me to d*ath.. not just me though.. ones within have been talking and are so frightened of all of this too..

we are ones who just like to know set plans.. and how things are going to work.. yes it will still be hard on us but it helps in a way so we can try our hardest to keep an even balance within and not get stuck.. change throws us for a loop pretty bad.. and if theres a break or gap in that loop somewhere we are sent in a downward spiral..

i felt so stupid and ashamed that i simply couldnt answer what were simple questions on the phone to someone.. and simple request of things i could do.. i seemed like i was making it sound totally impossible.. im so embarassed.. its no wonder people get so upset and frustrated with me.. from the bottom of my heart i dont mean to do this.. i dont.. i dont know why i am so scared.. why even now i feel myself trapping in my words not wanting them to ever come out again.. why i feel its easier not to speak than to say whats hard..

i just would so much rather go to bed.. hold back the tears and try to force myself to sleep.. i want to be better.. i dont want to be some freak anymore.. i dont want to frustrate and upset people anymore with what i do.. it hurts me so bad i do that.. it only makes me want to end my life bad because i do that to others.. i litterly h8te how i am.. who i am..

i dont haave confidence in myself.. i think im understading why.. cause i just screw things up all the time..

the mother said at one point i was a mistake.. ... maybe so.. i know thats all i seem to do well is make them..

K

gosh i miss my blog..

feel almost as if its been months since ive been able to be here.. but i know it hasnt.. im just glad to be back in here writing again.. theres been lots of changes in our lives.. i believe most all of them has been for the better.. umm.. not sure on one.. still kind of riding the waves on that one..

cant remember if any of us have posted about us getting a new community support provider soon.. and cant peek back and look right now since i am in "post mode" lol.. but there is still not real update on who will be replacing our present one or if there will be anyone.. really makes us nervous.. and we love our present CSP right now we know when she really does go its going to be so heartbreaking.. our littles wont even talk about it.. when we try to talk to them about it they talk about something else way.. way different..

ugghhh.. i keep itching.. or my body is itchy.. however you say it.. you know.. my boyfriend was pulling up poison ivy this morning.. i really really hope he didnt give it to me when he was holding my hand tonight.. he told me he would wash his hand this morning!!! sigh.. thats all we need.. ugh! and its a burn sort of itchy.. blahhh.. think we better ask someone about this..

umm sorry to make this a short post.. i was really happy to be able to write again toooooo!!!!! im going to have to come back and finish this though.. yikes.. i itch!!

K

writing to write..

i know i need to write.. cause i can tell its getting hard for me to "talk" or open up about things that are bothering me.. and talk about the thoughts that are there.. the emotions im feeling (i just want to go back and delete all this right now).. if i just close my eyes and let my fingers do the talking for me..

im hurting so deeply down inside.. the struggle i have with myself each day.. live or d*e.. live or d*e.. why must it be so hard to choose.. what in my life is hurting me so deeply that i would want to choose to d*e..

i try hard to picture myself.. when i do.. i see this woman.. sitting below a tree.. with the wind blowing hard against her and the tree.. and the tree swaying back and forth in the wind.. thrusting its branches and leaves.. the woman.. has her knees drawn up to her and her feet tucked tightly in place side by side to try to hold up against the wind.. her face is buried in her knees.. with her arms latched around her legs.. holding herself tightly..

her hair twisting and turning all about in the wind.. blowing hard against her face.. as she sits there.. her only thoughts are.. i want go home.. i just want to go home..

moving in closer to her.. a voice come to her an asks..

"Please don't be frightened Miss, but where does your home that your speak of be?"

without opening her eyes.. tears shed down her face in streams..

home means.. love.. not hurt..

home means.. happiness.. not sorrow..

home means.. cherished.. not forgotten..

home means.. family.. not rejected..

home means.. at peace.. no scattered..

home means.. sheltered.. not tossed aside..

home means.. to celebrate.. not silence..

home.. to me means to dream.. to have hope.. to soar high in the big beyond.. to never come down till this world safer, better and more loving place to be..

home to me is beyond to the stars.. dreaming.. soaring.. flying high..

home to me is flying to see all our loved ones who have gone on before us.. but our hearts were desperately grieving over..

if home of flying was to ever end.. then home to me....
home to me.. would be dy*ng..


~a true dreamer who misses flights of flying~

K

not so great..

didnt have the best night last night.. and can tell this morning its going to need to be a weekend of trying to relax and get our thoughts back together..

we were invited to go to eat last night with a neighbor and his wife.. we agreed.. but wanting to really stay home.. anyway.. in the car they decided we were going to eat at golden coral..

immediately chatter started within.. but i was unable to grip what was going on and focus what was being said cause the lady we were with was talking so so loud in the front seat.. i was trying to answer her and listen to her repeat the same thing over and over (which she tends to do) plus hear what was going on inside.. but it just wasnt possible.. our lady neighbor talked non-stop the whole drive there.. loud! while her husband.. driving.. had music playing trying to drown out her voice.. it was chaos for us.. just too much.. and we werent even there yet..

well.. we get to the golden coral.. and every single parking place is filled in the restaurant.. and no joking.. people were lined back to back outside the place.. and the line was not moving.. my jaw dropped.. i was thinking... HOPING.. they would decide to just go somewhere else.. or even just go back home.. but no.. they circled.. and circled.. and again and again.. they were not giving up..

still all this chatter within.. getting louder and louder.. and the lady in the front getting louder cause im sure her tummy was REALLY talking to her now that she was "AT" this place of food.. i just kept trying to breathe.. deep breaths in and out.. trying hard so hard to stay present.. when i so bad just wanted to bolt and cry at the same time.. i dont know why..

her husband finally went over to the restaurant right next to it and parked in their parking lot.. and said.. "well.. are you ready for a walk?" i didnt say anything.. my thoughts were zooming though.. we were STILL going to eat at that other place.. even though it was packed full.. and people were flowing out the door and in a stand still.. i seriously wanted to throw up.. i felt so so sick..

when we got out of the car i was finally able to hear what was going on within.. and it wasnt good.. ones were angry.. scared.. screaming.. crying.. having mem's and flashback hit.. all surrounding the amount of people at this place.. and "the name" of the place.. the name had triggered memories and flashbacks..

there are some within who have memories of the step-father and members of the c*lt participating in some kind of cruel activity called "Golden Showers" as the kids and children within call it.. the kids and children are terrified talking about it.. and when the subject is approached they get sick.. feel embarassed.. try to hide themselves.. and feel very ashamed..

im catching on now why there are some of them that have bathroom issues.. why some have a very hard time using the bathroom if someone can hear them.. and in public bathrooms.. gosh even here at home and we have someone over they will try and hold it and hold it till the person leaves.. ive noticed they even have a hard time hearing themselves go.. its so sad..

maybe thats why i, myself, have a hard time in bathrooms.. i dont know.. but back to what i was talking about.. the name of the restaurant.. Golden Coral.. the Golden part.. set the memories off.. then when we saw all the people.. oh my gosh.. all of our anxiety just blew so high..

i couldnt stop pacing.. and the children kept pulling on my clothes.. the smaller ones wanted to s*ck their their thumbs sooo bad and just sit on the floor..

lil one just wanted to put her thumb in her mouth.. rock hard.. she was crying so hard within.. screaming for our t to get her out of there.. to save her from "the people".. corner was begging me and begging me to get him away from "the people".. that there was too too many.. he even went up to a worker there and asked her where a phone was that he had to make a important phone call to his t..

i knew the best thing for us was to just get it all over with and go.. so we ate.. but the company we were with ate.. and ate.. and ate.. 3 plate loads.. we had no idea where they were putting it all.. but after we ate we went outside and walked around.. i smoked a cig while trying to calm everyone.. and found myself depersonalizing.. NOT GOOD TIMING I MAY SAY!

im not sure how long i was outside.. but when i "came back to" if thats what you want to call it.. i went back inside.. and my friends husband was just finishing up.. thank goodness..

we left and came home.. made one call to our friend.. our neighbor wanted to play one game of rhummy.. so jesse played her one game.. then after she left.. we finally let it all go and just fell apart..

next time we are asked to go out to eat with them.. we are saying what we really want to say and not giving in.. we would of been much safer at home..

so today.. we are taking it very slow.. and easy..

K

trying to catch up.. but ITS ALL GOOD!

feels like its been a while since we have gotten to catch up on things here in our blog.. so we are happy to be taking this time to do that.. but ITS ALL GOOD!

we do have a few things to share.. one is we had a "meeting" last friday with our case manager, t, and community support provider.. we were so scared and nervous about going to.. seems we are always a bit scared about these meetings.. you know.. something we seem to notice is when they are done and over with.. we come out of them feeling.. "well, that wasnt so bad or so hard.." and "we did it!" we still tend to wonder why it is we get so scared about them.. we feel the others in these meetings are so much more over us.. we picture as if they are leaning over us with their fingers pointing down at us.. and we are so tiny and afraid.. feeling as if we have done something wrong to be punished for.. but after the meeting is over.. we are able to stand up and see.. WE ARE OK.. WE DID NOTHING WRONG AT ALL.. and WE ARE SAFE.. whats so cool about this last "meeting" is that we are no longer going to call it a "meeting".. we realize that word is another reason that makes it scary for us.. so we have changed the name for it.. its like PCI.. something.. cant remember the rest.. but anyway.. it helps us feel better about it..

things have been going well in t sessions.. we are working hard and things are moving along.. accomplishing things we need to.. and when we need to take a step back we have been reassured that its ok to.. but so far things are going well.. which really helps us within and out.. small things come up now and then and we do our best to work on them and move on.. we are very grateful for our t and the time and effort she puts into helping us.. and also all the encouragement she gives us.. as well as our community support provider..

we would also like to share something WONDERFUL with everyone this week but also that is need lots of tiny prayers about.. its regarding our sweet little neice Hannah..

we are just going to post the updates on her.. starting with mondays - wednesdays updates.. and as it looks like my oldest sister will be needing some of those tiny little prayers also.. heres the updates..

Monday - May 26th - Update.. (this is shared from my sisters writings she keeps about little Hannah)

Hannah is doing well. She's still got congestion from what appears to be a cold, but is hanging in there. She had a good day today. Today was Joan's last official day. She is planning on being at the hospital with us tomorrow. She was in good spirits, eager for the outcome of the next few days.

Please keep us all in your prayers. This week will be exciting, uncertain and trying. We will arrive at the hospital tomorrow morning @ 8am, surgery is at 9am, then to ICU. I will update the everyone as soon as I can tomorrow.

Tuesday - May 27 - Update..

Hannah is in PICU recovering from surgery now. She had the granuloma removed. The doctor said it was taking up approximately 1/3 of her airway. He removed the granuloma by going through her trach site (stoma). He had to c-t open (extend) her stoma slightly to get in there and do what he needed to do. There is some bl--d coming out of her trach right now but that should slow down soon.

She is currently in daddy's arms rocking in a rocking chair while sleeping. We have capped her trach and she's breathing on her own. We'll let you know how she is doing.

Other news....mommy fell down the stairs this morning right before we left for the hospital. I am about to leave to get some xrays of my arm....I promise, I'm not trying to steal Hannah's glory.

May 28th - Update..

Well, Hannah did really well overnight. She woke up every hour or so..probably due to pain or discomfort from the incision. Otherwise, she was good. Then, first thing this morning, the doctor came in and took her trach tube out. He did it in the room (I wasn't here, but Tim was) and it was rather anti-climactic! Anyway, she's been without it since 7am and seems to be doing fine. Her stoma (trach site) is covered with gauze and tape. The hole will close on it's own within a few days.

We have to stay here in ICU so the doctors and nurses can monitor her around the clock to make sure she's breathing ok. The doctor is looking for two things: her effort level to breath (retracting or pulling) and her ability to manage her secretions (cough up mucus on her own to clear her airway). So, hopefully just another 24 hours here and then we're released to go home with a healthy, trach-free toddler!

I couldn't imagine today.....I have no idea what tomorrow will be like or the next. But man...I am just excited! One day at a time....give us this day our daily bread. Thank you Jesus!

Oh, and one more thing...no broken bones. Just a sprained arm and finger. The little toe may be broken but he doesn't know for sure. He said if it heals in two weeks it's a sprain...if it heals in four weeks it's a break : ) gotta love doctors. Me? I'm walking funny and have a few bruises, but am doing fine.

we want to ask anyone who is willing to please whisper a few little tiny prayers for them.. we know the whole family right now could use them.. we miss our sister and her family an awful lot right now.. and to hear our sister fell.. yikes.. thought we were the clutz in the family!

we will be sending an email off to them tonight or tomorrow to let them know we are keep them in our thoughts and prayers and that we are asking others to say a few tiny prayers for them as well..

when our sister said..

"I couldn't imagine today.....I have no idea what tomorrow will be like or the next. But man...I am just excited! One day at a time....give us this day our daily bread. Thank you Jesus!"

we couldnt of put that any better at all.. its so true.. none of us have no idea what tomorrow may bring for us.. we have no idea what the day will be like when we wake up each day.. if we can learn to cherish each moment.. each day.. oh what a life we can lead.. and be grateful for.. and others will see that shining through you and want it for themselves..

isnt it great how much we learn from others when we are willing to learn.. willing to listen.. willing to open our hearts up and receive..

well.. thank you all for reading today.. please take care.. and know our thoughts are with each of you out there..

Ooops was about to close when we read update for our little hannah today that our sister wrote!!! here it is!!

Hannah is home and trach free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Yippee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Yahoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Yowee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Praise God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

umm....can you tell I'm a tad bit excited?

oh thank you JESUS for answered prayers!!!!!! time for us to get off here an go some rejoying and HAPPY DANCING!!!!

Dreaming2Fly System is dreaming to soar HIGH today

aint feelin nothin

like know im suppose to be feelin somethin with our CSP worker leavin an this new one comin in. aint nothin there in me tho. juz like sorda nothin. i look out when they roun us an feel nothin bout them or them comin or goin. like maybe it really dont matter to me or they dont. eh dont know. am not sure i really care bout it. or if i should. peeps are peeps. they have their own lives that dont include us. like why should it matter to me what they do? they do it to benefit their lives not any of us? we are juz like the bushes on the side of the road that peeps drive past on their way to somewhere else in life. some peeps stop temporarily but all of them like all ways leave an move on. no one would EVER take a stupid BUSH with them. like who would? they are useless. an forever annoyin! besides like nothin ever remains in anyones life forever. ya know - i really dont think i like that word anyhow. FOREVER SUX!

jesse

sinkin

can feel me sinkin. tho aint wantin to yak much with peeps bout it. juz wantin to be left alone. sorda like i aint trustin much of what peeps say anyhow with all that goshie gooshie i care crap they throw out automatically. like their trained to always say that first to a peep. ya never know if its for real anymore or juz a toss of words. i for one juz cant trust that. eh kinda makes me actually ill when they do it. big turn off! bleh think im makin myself sick to my gut yakin bout all this junk.

laters

jesse

what is it with some peeps?

ya know thats like a major question to me. what is it with some peeps? for real? ok so we found out while we have our sessions here at the house with our t an stuff that our neighbor an this old lady that lives here at this place well they actually listen at our back door! like how sick is that? can we not have any privacy roun here? juz think that is creepy man an totally sick-o-la! am thinkin maybe they should juz have our t sessions from now on stead of us. looks like they must need it if they gotta listen to peeps talk to one. rounchy creeps! juz makes me angry peeps gotta be so inconsiderate an rude. even old peeps who like you think would know better cuz they even have lived longer. guess they aint got nothin better to do with their lives so they gotta ease drop in on other peeps lives. grrrrr! sickos!

jesse

Getting to Know Someone New

we are very slowly being introduced to someone new.. what happened was our case manager resigned.. so this new person took her place for now.. when our community support provider finishes up her EMDR classes and becomes a liscensed T she will be moving up to a T role and will no longer work with us as a CSP.. thats when our new case manager will start working with us as a community support provider.. lots of switching around for us.. one thing does stay the same is our T, C, will still remain our T.. shew!

as of now there is alot of talk about this new CSP working with us.. and different ways we can get use to her.. also talk about our recent CSP leaving us.. so things are just a little odd for us.. we know good will come out of this somehow.. we are still a little scared about it.. but sometimes change can be scary for anyone..

we are getting to know our new CSP through emails.. its a start.. then we will be planning to meet up with her and our current CSP and spend time with both of them so we both can get to know each other better in person.. she has never worked with a multiple before.. so this is all new to her.. even though we are nervous.. we are more than willing to help in what ever way we can..

of course all the kids care about is if she will play with them.. lol..

well.. sorry to end this so soon tonight.. i didnt think changing servers was such work.. but it is.. still have much to do.. hope all is well for all out there..

Peace, Love & Harmony

K

Beautiful Impressions

theres been many many times over the last several months that ive wanted to write about something - someone.. who has been on my heart.. in my thoughts and prayers.. many times ive started writing an email to.. a letter to.. or send a thinking of you gift to.. but then i get scared.. so one of my inner ones.. jamie.. mentioned to me about writing a letter on paper but not sending it.. just to get the words out i wanted to say.. so a week ago i did that.. it helped alot.. but i still think of this old friend we knew.. wishing she knew how i felt.. or at least wishing she knew she was in my thoughts and not forgotten..

there are so many people who come and go into our lives.. some we dont know long enough to get the chance to really find out much about them and their lives.. their are others we quickly find out that are not good for us to be around and that we have to shelter ourselves from in order to keep ourselves safe from harm.. then..... there are others.. who come into our lives like beautiful gardens.. that bring us such sunshine.. and inrich our lives with more than we could ever ask for.. the joy in conversations we share.. the understanding through the hard times.. the tears shared on both ends through happy and sad times.. and for both parties to know they had a shoulder to lean on helped so much..

then... something happens.. and its all lost.. communication starts to fail.. talking through computers is hard enough you cant hear the other persons tone, expressions and sometimes exactly how things are actually put and said.. distance in the friendship gets worse and worse.. making communication even harder.. so when you try to start communicating again theres some tension there.. disappointment.. hurt.. maybe even anger.. theres fighting.. disagreements.. then trying hard to start over and over when hurt is still there from words said earlier in disagreements..

i wish i had had the oppertunity to be there side by side with that friend.. and share with her.. how much i loved.. and still love her.. how much i wished i could of taken jesse's eraser she wrote about and erased all those times like that.. and that i wish she could of heard my voice speaking gently to her and not in a harsh tone all those times she thought i was speaking harsh.. upset or angry..

i would want her to know how much she was a true blessing in my life.. how much she taught me.. and how much i appreciated her every day.. how much i appreciated all the encouraging things she said to me.. how she stood by me.. and loved me when i couldnt love myself..

... and.. how much of a beautiful impression she has made not only in my life.. but in our entire systems lives..

ive made mistakes in my life.. im sure everyone has.. im not perfect.. im only human.. i can only ask forgiveness for those mistakes i make.. to stand back up again.. to do my best to learn from those mistakes.. and keep moving forward.. but to always pray for the help i and guidance i need in making not only our lives better but the lives that we come into contact with better too.. even if its with a good morning smile.. or a conversation about their day.. or offering to help them with something..

so.. this morning.. id like to wish all out there a good day.. or as my old friend taught me.. lets see if i can remember..

G' day mate!
in my thoughts.. (((((((((((((((((((((B)))))))))))))))))))

much love..

K

Restless Within Tonight

Hiya, Seems to be our System is quite restless within tonight. So I'm up making round about checks. Thought I'd stop in an drop a line while I was here. Never posted on this blog before, so I'll introduce myself. I'm Falcon. One of the Protector's with the Dreaming2Fly System. I work side-by-side with Jamie. Another Protector with our System. Though she's quite a bit more organized and structured than I am. I am not much of a socialable one, stay more to the background until called upon or when crisis times arise. Stick mainly to my duties within and help out where needed. We have several different Systems within so sometimes my duties call me to other Systems. My job is never boring, but takes a lot of time and patience. I am rather proud of how well each of our Systems have been holding out and working together. As of now, our System (Dreaming2Fly System) is the ones most actively working in T session's. They are doing well. As time moves on I will be looking forward to our other Systems hopefully getting involved as well. Step-by-Step though. It's all a process.

Closing up for tonight. Thanks for allowing me to introduce myself and have this chat with you. Over an out.

Falcon

wouldn it be cool?

wouldn it be cool if ya could juz erase any day ya wanted to. id have maybe lots of days id wanna erase. one of them would be yesterdays session with our t. yah. i didn like it at all what was talked bout. even if juz small details was given by one within. i still didn like it. kinda makes me feel real shaky an nervous. like i juz would rather pop out of existence instead of knowin any of it was even brought up. its not that i dont like trust our t or nothin like that. eh i dunno maybe its the rest of the peeps in the world an stuff i dont trust. an i aint the only one its stirred up inside. its got everyone goin haywire. everyone inside is freakin out. so what ya say? wouldn it be cool if we could juz erase any day we wanted to. aint talkin bout blockin them out tho. am talkin bout juz totally erasin them so they woulda never even happened. id say thats one dang heck of a awesome eraser! i'll take 2 of them an keep one for spare ya know juz in case. haha. ya never know who else might need one. whats that ya say? would ya like one?


go ahead - erase away!


jesse

1 year anniv. tomorrow

it will be 1 year tomorrow that we last saw our old t.. we cant believe how time has gone by like it has.. seems like just a few days ago that she left.. feels like it too.. still hurts.. the tears still flow.. we had been seeing her for almost (we think) 4 years.. we shared some really awesome moments with her.. great memories.. and alot of private issues.. discovered many skills we had and put them to use and deep within ourselves we found a friend on the outside who cared for us and "loved" us.. something that was quite odd to see from people in the work fields.. we can honestly tell you she was a honest to goodness true blessing to our lives..

the day we were told she was leaving and moving away we broke down and fell apart within.. we never wanted to hear those words.. so many different feelings came up for us.. we kept blaming ourselves.. like as if we weren't working hard enough in t sessions that she just wanted to move on and give up on us.. huge abandonment issues.. all we could do was cry and cry for days.. and weeks.. we pretended as hard as we could for others that "we were ok or we had it together", but in no possible way did we have it together at all.. but for that time wearing those mask was the only thing that kept us going and people away from bothering us and pestering us with tons of questions.. we just wanted to be left alone..

we were introduced to our new t before our old t had left.. our new t seemed nice and eager to work with us and get to know us.. we didn't know what to say at the time..

as time has gone by we have gotten to know our new t better.. shes really worked out quite well for us.. though we think of our old t every day and miss her.. we truly are thankful we had the chance of working with our old t for the years we did and the time she took reaching out to us, caring for us, showing her love for us and teaching us so much.. we are very grateful..

we are also truly grateful she asked such a sweet lady to step in and be our new t.. and to watch over us.. these 2 women have been such amazing people we have ever met.. they have taught us so much and been such a guidance for us..

of course there will always be hard times we may face.. but together we work through them... and move on.. but not without always learning something new along the way..

we hope our old t stops at least for a moment tomorrow and thinks of us.. we know we will be thinking of her..

as for our new t.. (smiles) we will be spending a little time together tomorrow to "celebrate" our old t's one year anniv.. we are not quite sure how we "celebrate" it.. but.. we will learn.. we are always open to learning new and better things..

Peace, Love & Harmony..

K n all

MARTHA!! AND STAY OUT!

YOU KEEP REPEATING OUR WORDS ARE JUST EXCUSES! OUR WORDS ARE NOT EXCUSES ONLY THE TRUTH! BUT OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING YOU CAN'T STAND TO HEAR BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT IN NOR HAVE NEVER BEEN IN THE POSITION WE LIVE IN. WHAT MORE IS THERE LEFT TO BE SAID TO ANYONE? WELL???? UNTIL YOU HAVE WALKED DIRECTLY THE PATH WE HAVE WALKED AND IN OUR SHOES, DON'T ACT LIKE YOU "KNOW IT ALL" CAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW A GD THING!! WE DO WHAT "WE" KNOW IS BEST FOR US BECAUSE WE "KNOW US" BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE AND WE CAN PROTECT OURSELVES BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE. PEOPLE IN LIFE FAIL TO PROTECT WAY TOO OFTEN THAT'S WHY WE CAN NEVER RELY ON PEOPLE FOR HONEST SAFETY. WE AT LEAST HA! THOUGHT WE COULD COME TO YOU AND ASK FOR HELP BY TAKING US TO THE LANDRY MAT SO WE COULD WASH OUR CLOTHES SINCE WE HAVE FELT THE SAFENESS WITH YOU AND SINCE YOU KNEW WHAT TO DO IN CASE ANYONE WITHIN CAME OUT OR ANY CRISIS CAME ABOUT. WE WERE FOOLS TO TRUST IN YOU! WE NEVER THOUGHT IT WOULD COME TO A POINT WHERE OUR GROCERIES WOULD BE EFFECTED TOO! WITH AS MUCH SO CALLED "KNOWLEDGE" YOU HAVE REGARDING US AND OUR PAST AND HOW SENSITIVE WE ARE TO STRANGERS AND SETTINGS PLUS SURROUNDS IN STORES.

YOU KNOW - ITS ALL USELESS! YOU NEVER HAVE REALLY LISTENED. I FOR ONE NEVER REALLY FELT YOU CARED. JUST WAITED FOR THE OTHERS TO CATCH UP AND SEE THAT. I HOPE THEY GET A GOOD GLANCE NOW AND KEEP THE DOOR LOCKED AND WINDOWS SHUT AND DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE WHEN YOU CALL ANYMORE. CAUSE YOU KNOW, THIS REALLY WASN'T A PLEASURE!!!!

CHA!! CHA!! CHA!!

MARTHA!

Update on our Niece

we want to thank everyone who has been saying some of those Tiny Little Prayers out there.. we wish to ask you to please.. continue them..

we got updates on our little niece, Hannah..

we didnt get a chance yesterday to mention in our writings about the hole in little Hannah's heart.. that is the reason she sees a cardiologist.. so yesterdays visit was to find out if the hole was closing at all or what condition it was in..

what they found out was the hole has increased in size and the cardiologist was concerned about the placement of the hole.. since it is large and near the top of the chamber.. that means the hole cannot be fixed with a catheter.. it will have to be patched through open heart surgery..

he told our sister possibilities that would not impact Hannah still getting her trach removed.. one is have surgery in the next few weeks or watch and wait until after her trach is removed.. he recommended moving forward with the surgery as soon as possible.. it would be a 3-4 day stay in the hospital as long as nothing else happened.. and everything went good..

the cardiologist is convinced that after recovery Hannah will be bouncing around the room.. will no longer be winded.. tired after physical therapy.. oxygen levels will be positively affected.. in fact it just may fix that whole issue all together..

our sister will be given more information early next week after he meets with other surgeons and cardiologist on Friday..

we know how hard this is going to be for our sister having her youngest going back in the hospital once again.. we cant help but cry for and with her.. our heart just breaks for the entire family..

once again.. we are asking.. please.. will you put this whole family in those "Tiny Little Prayers" ..

.... thank you...


All of Us with Dreaming2Fly System

"Tiny Little Prayers"

today we would like to share about "Tiny Little Prayers"..

Tiny Little Prayers are something very special to us.. its something we've only done with people whom we could really trust and believe that they would listen to what we were saying and asking in these Tiny Little Prayers.. and follow through..

whenever hard times hit for someone we really care for, or for us. Or if someone we know may be ill, hurting, in danger, or possibly in danger of hurting themselves or someone else.. or some situation that is going to take more than just one voice or hand raised above to the Lord to heal or bring an answer to whatever may be happening.. thats when we turn first to the Lord, then we turn to our closest friends and ask them to say a Tiny Little Prayer.. and we share with them whats going on..

well.. tonight.. we would like to turn to all of you out there who are willing to say a few Tiny Little Prayers for some very special people in our lives..

first we would like to share with yall we run a survivors of abuse forum.. we need to ask for a few Tiny Little Prayers for some of our members in the forum.. two of our members are fighting cancer, while at the same time trying their hardest to deal with their daily lives, their family, their relatives (whom some are toxic) and their own personal emotions and feelings their having to go through because of the cancer itself..

also.. several of our members have been extremely down, been going through meds changes, sometimes off meds, desperately wanting to end their life and not finding any answers or solutions to anything anymore for them.. for them they feel like doctors are not helping or understanding, t's are not helping, listening or understanding, and they see no light at the end of the tunnel.. their have been some that self-harm just to try to escape from the feelings or even numbness they may have.. so im asking.. please.. will you.. if you dont mind.. saying a few Tiny Little Prayers for them also..

now.. this is regarding someone very, very dear to us.. this is our very own little niece we ask this Tiny Little Prayer for.. please..

we have never got to meet our niece cause we live quite a ways from her.. but we keep in touch with our sister when we can plus we are always reading up on Little Hannah's Blog that our sister started not too long after Hannah was put in the hospital when Hannah's problems began for her.. this was Feb. 19th, 2007..

Hannah would have times where she would stop breathing.. her oxygen levels would go from high 90's/100 to the 40's/50's/60's..

at that time they ran a whole lot of test on her.. didnt get much answers.. they put a trach in her and put her on a ventilator..

over time they also noticed that Hannah's head was growing at a much faster rate than her body.. they never could figure it out..

Hannah got released from the hospital in April of 2007.. she celebrated her first birthday at home with many ups and downs in between.. my sister was so worn.. we felt her pain for her child.. all we could do was cry reading their blog..

moving up to speed.. Hannah's head is finally catching up to her body.. thats the good news.. and the plan is that Hannah gets her trach removed in April!!

the not so good news.. Hannah's oxygen levels have been very low when she sleeps.. my sister and her husband have been trying to get some information trach clinic, doctors, hospitals and others.. Hannah should of never left the hospital back in April.. the doctors then knew Hannah's SAT (oxygen saturation) levels were not accurate.. so all this time.. Little Hannah has been losing oxygen while she sleeps..
Hannah ran a low grade fever today and has had more secretions.. not sure whats going on with her yet.. still waiting for updates.. she had an appt with the cardiologist today too..

sorry this was so long.. but.. please.. could you say (lots) of Tiny Little Prayers for our niece and their family..


Love, Peace & Harmony,

K n all

Things Looking Up Some

its late for us.. an we are tired.. but we wanted to write before we headed off to bed.. we had another session with our t yesterday (friday).. we believe it went well.. we were nervous and actually scared to go into session.. so many things were running through our minds.. and so many within running in opposite directions within closing doors.. afraid they would be called upon..

throughout the session several of them within would crack their doors open to listen but wouldnt come out.. our sweetest lil one though hasnt actually been out of her room in quite some time.. not even here at the house.. she got a new Adora doll here for her to play with but she wont come out and play with her.. she cries off and on in her room within the body.. and we all know why shes sad like this.. but there is nothing we can do to help her feel better.. her heart has been severely broken someone she really cared for and loved more than anything.. all we can do is just wait and see if she comes out of this.. we've tried all we can for her.. our t meantion today about trying to do some work with her.. helping her so she wont be so scared when we go to the dentist.. we are just wondering how that is going to go over or even happen if lil one wont even come out for us or talk to us.. we have this dreaded feeling shes not going to respond to our t either.. but...... just for the sake of trying to think positive here.. lets hope she does respond to her..

i, Kat, also took a big step in talking to my neighbor last night about all the remarks shes been making about my weight.. i talk to her about the comments shes been saying.. i expressed it hurts when those comments are said to me and about me.. and i asked her to please not make any type of comments like those anymore.. and then i told her why.. where i had heard those types of comments from before.. and how much it brought back such painful memories to me.. i tried to hold back my tears.. but it didnt work.. at first she seemed angry.. and she responded with "i ought to just shut my mouth from now on".. i sat silently.. i let her sit there and really think about what i was saying.. that i wasnt speaking it harshly to her.. that i was saying it hurt.. but in no way was i saying i didnt love her still.. after about 30 minutes.. she had tears in her eyes.. she looked at me she said "im sorry.. i wont say it anymore.. i didnt mean it.." i said i know you didnt.. sometimes its hard to really think about the words we choose to speak before we say them huh?.. i told her it was going to be ok.. again she reassured me she was sorry.. then everything was ok..

i couldnt believe i stood up for myself.. that i actually confronted her finally.. after all these months.. and all these tears id cry over the comments she say about my weight.. i feel bad enough about my weight.. but.. its over.. now the mothers nasty comments hopefully will stop ringing in my head about them too..

well.. we really need to turn in for the night.. to all out there take care..

Peace, Love & Harmony..

K n all

Words

"Words"

How easily they are spoken at times
just falling from our lips
Not really thinking of what we're saying
and how those words can stick

Years and years after
those words come near
As to who said what all those years
listening hard, you remember, it all seems so clear

All different kinds of people
toss words all about
Not thinking of how many they hurt
seemed all they cared for was to be heard 'n get their words out

Sometimes when people speak their soft spoken words
the ones that melt your heart
The ones that help you feel loved and wanted
ones that would never keep you apart

That’s when it’s the hardest time
for one to wake up and see
For one to just take a moment
that just maybe they might believe

Words can be hard to speak
or even hard to find
I'm sure many of you can understand
even might find it easier to just hold up a sign

The hardest words for me to say
is simply, "I Love You"
Because when it was said to me
if was often followed by abuse

So please take notes on this today
please be careful on the way you say your words
When the words, "I Love You", are chosen from you
say it with compassion in your heart so they are truly believed

© Copyright by Kat C

Written on July 22nd, 2004

Love From an Angry Heart

"Love From an Angry Heart"

She could not show
What she could not feel
And oh how I craved
Her love SO bad

But I soon had to learn
There was no love to give
No love,
Had filled her heart

Her hands full of anger
Her voice full of rage
Her skin tone deep red
Spit filled the words she would say

I begged
I pleaded
With this "God" above
To find this "Mommy"
Some much needed Love

The beatings
The blows
The names I was called
It was the best of her love
She could show me, somehow

Her heart
Full of anger
Her heart
Full of rage

It’s the best
She could do
Is what
She would say

I love you, Mommy
I'd say with my eyes swollen shut
No kiss goodnight again
She must still be mad

Love From an Angry Heart
Is a scary thing
I do hope one day
Maybe, She can forgive me


© Copyright by Kat C. w/ help from Amy D.
February 25, 2004

No One

"No One"

No one sees the hurt we feel
No one hears the pain
No one knows how much we struggle
Just to make it from day to day

No one sees us cut ourselves
No one knows how much we bleed
No one hears our cries of sorrow
Or knows how much love we need

No one sees the scars we carry
From ones that hurt us so
No one knows how far we've gone
To not let the pain all show

All they see
Is one face
And a smile
From time to time

No one can see
Our Inner world
The darkness, The lost,
The dying


© Copyright by Kat C.
November 18, 2003

So Unsure

been a little bit since ive been able to write in here.. and ive really needed to.. need to get some of these feelings and thoughts out in front of me.. its doing me no good keeping them in..

some of our last sessions have been kind of rough ones.. either ones within having flashbacks or me not able to get my words out like i want to.. complete confusion filling up within me.. t says im going back and forth with the all or nothing - black or white thinking.. and depending too much on others.. so ive done what i thought was right.. by changing things to where i hardly will be depending on anyone at all..

we will be still having to figure out ways how we can manage how to do certain things but thats for us to figure out.. not anyone elses responsibility.. i do feel im back to walking this road alone.. but maybe thats just my thinking and feelings.. maybe its because ive started closing the doors on people in our lives.. preparing us..

i know one thing thats been extremely hurtful to me for several months now.. but ive kept it to myself.. trying to fight it alone cause of how ashamed i am of what this person is saying to me.. but my neighbor tells me how much weight ive gained and how big i am.. and boy am i looking big.. i hear the mothers voice echo in me when she does this.. the embarrassment and shame just overloads me.. i cry when im by myself.. i gotten to where i hate eating.. but know i have to cause i shake real bad and start to pass out if i dont.. i have a low bl**d pressure alot of the time.. and not eating makes it worse.. but the comments makes me continuously want to starve myself again like we did in the past.. i wish so bad i was 86 pds like we were back then.. but still able to function..

sessions with my t and i havent been the best either.. i feel so bad.. i deeply wish i could just do it all right so i could make her happy and pleased with what and how i do.. but i seem to keep frustrating her more and more.. and causing her to be more and more irritated with me.. it scares me.. i want to be *normal* and do things right.. not be unhealthy or do things in an unhealthy manner.. i so badly want our lives to be on the right path and be making progress.. i thought we were.. and now all the sudden because of a set back now we are "unhealthy" and irritating to others.. least it seems that way..

Lord Jesus.. we are trying our best.. and only you Lord knows that.. please open others hearts to see that..

we cant help it when we are triggered.. and/or dont know how to handle such situations that arise.. thats why we ask for help..

my tears just cant flow enough right now..

we just deeply want peace back in our sessions, peace back within, progress to be made in both places..

for us not to give up on the word "love".. to still believe it does exsist out there.. right now we just sit in silence with that word.. we dont know what to believe..

i, (K).. am scared to move anywhere around the word anymore.. im scared of being hit with falling words.. i beg of no more hurt.. im just fading away too fast from it all..



K

In the Middle

"In the Middle"

She sits
In the middle of an empty room
Listening to Nanci sing through the
Earphones of her walk-man

Helplessly glancing around at the bare walls
That seems so blindingly white

She watches as the sun sets in the evening
And wakes her squinting eyes in the morn’

Not sure whether she’s ever
Coming or going
Helping or hurting
Rising or falling

She sits
Surrounded by the last of her belongings
A suitcase full of worn out clothes
A backpack with books, paper and her all time favorite journal
A horror book
A pack of half smoked cigarettes
A purse too full to carry
And shoes that fit too small

Unexpectedly the loneliness hits
Weighing like eight pounds of sugar
On her heart

She can’t help to wonder
If she will ever piece back together
What all has been broken

At night
When she lays herself down to rest
She cries

In the morn’ when she wakes
Her eyes still puffy and red
Fill with tears once again

While during the day her heart aches
Remembering the fond memories
Of her loved ones and friends

Time passes and days move on
As the middle of the floor has grown warm
Where the heat of her body sits
Still unmoved on the floor, crying

Knowing in her heart changes need to of been made
But stubbornly didn’t want the change

So the warm spot
In the middle of the floor
Will soon turn cold
As she leaves this secure
White hidden room
Of a different color
Different wall hangings
And hopefully a different loneliness

A loneliness
That’s only the imagination
From far deep within herself

Too far to see
Too far to accept
An imagination too far to feel

For now though
All of this lies
In the middle of her floor

© Copyright by Martha w/ Dreaming2Fly System

The Girl Who Nobody Wanted

"The Girl Who Nobody Wanted"

Since the first breath she took
Her mother didn't even care to look
She became the girl who nobody wanted

She was made to sit in corners
Told nobody would want her
She became the girl who nobody wanted

Each year that would pass
She learned to wear her mask
And be the girl who nobody wanted

Turned down by all
She built her a wall
And was the girl who nobody wanted

Still to this day
Society's found a way
To make her the girl who nobody wanted

In the darkness she hides
Waiting for her life to subside
It’s the girl who nobody wanted

No mother beside her
No father to guide her
Still, the girl who nobody wanted

She lives her life unknown
Will probably die alone
It’s the girl who nobody wanted

In the silent tears she sheds
It will always be said
She is the girl who nobody wanted

The girl who nobody wanted...

© Copyright by Kat C.
January 17, 2004

"On the Inside Looking Out"

"On the Inside Looking Out"

I'm on the inside
looking out
Watching all the people
wonder about

I call out their names
and try to talk
But they just continue
to walk and walk

I tap on the glass
that I'm being kept in
Hoping someone will hear me
and want a new friend

Alone in my silence
I'm bound to live
No one around
with love to give

The tears that I shed
send me adrift
Floating around
in these tears of mist

When will the day come
that I'm set free
That I can have a voice
and just be me

No more living life
on the inside looking out
No more feeling sadness
and so full of doubt

© Copyright by K. C.
December 12, 2003

"The Step-Father"

"The Step-Father"

Outside the window,
you stood in the dark.
Spying and peeping,
that was just the start.

You'd watch us undress,
as we went to the shower.
You'd sneak in the bathroom,
like some freaking coward.

Till the day you were caught,
outside the window we'd seen.
You staring and spying,
and peeping at me.

In fear we screamed,
unsure who it was.
The mother said nothing,
she never does.

Every window we pass,
we pass with fear.
Afraid you're still watching,
and standing out there.

We never got to tell you,
how you made us feel.
Being undressed with your eyes,
our innocence you'd steal.

Our body was private,
"that"- you did not respect.
We hate you dear father,
your name we detest.

© Copyright by Dreaming2Fly System
Oct. 26th, 2003

Facing the Painful Truth

this week has been a diffic*lt week on us.. between one with whom ive had a hard time dealing with inside.. katlyns 11th bday and us not getting to be with her for it and wondering all about it.. sending off her gift.. joshuas little gift for him and thinking of him.. memories of the past hitting us about the kids, susan, mary, the birth family, and memories from this one im not getting along with inside.. and of all days today (feb 1st) being the step-fathers bday (one of our main abusers)..

on the day of katlyns bday all i could do was cry all day or sleep to try to avoid crying.. i felt so alone.. my friends Keepers called during the day to be there to support me.. then later that night my t called.. it helped to release all the tears and sadness out to her.. the pain was still there.. im sure it will always still be there.. but it helped to talk to her and to hear her voice on the other end..

im tired of people telling me one day i will get my children back.. i dont want to hear it anymore from anyone! not one single person knows what the future holds.. only God Himself.. thats it.. im sick of people trying to predict the future to me just to try to keep my hopes up about my kids.. all i know is i can only live day by day.. and what happens right this moment.. and what happens the next few moments.. then the next few moments.. not the next hour.. or next day.. or next year.. or 5 years.. or when my daughter or son is 18 or 20.. i could be gone by then.. or i could maybe still be here.. like i said ONLY GOD KNOWS..

but i can no longer live my life or even think that long ahead in the future like that anymore nor do i want to hear those type of plans or thoughts from anyone in my life.. i want to hear "reality".. i want to SEE REALITY.. nothing fake anymore.. nothing false.. and i dont care what kind of backlashes i get for stating how i feel cause im talking from my heart.. and saying how i honestly feel.. if it cant be respected.. then i guess thats how it "just is"..

but im tired of patting my pain and then saying to it "one day this and one day that".. no more.. my pain is real.. just as my grief is.. and unless you have been through EXACTLLY WHAT I HAVE.. you WILL NOT understand it.. AT ALL.. unless you have LOST YOUR CHILDREN THROUGH ADOPTION and the way i did.. you will not understand.. but supporting me does help.. maybe one day i will repost my story of the adoption.. and actually be able to finish it.. i hope so.. right now.. i "FEEL" its a road i walk alone.. until im able to find another birthmom who has been down the same road as i have.. i will just keep surviving the best i can and being the best person i can be for others by offering my knowledge and understanding on things i have been through myself.. giving the support, caring, and love to those i care dearly for.. and continue to reach out to other who are hurting, grieving, lost, who have a mental illness, who are disabled, who feel alone, who are/were abused in anyway, survivors, multiple systems, people who are depressed, i mean the list just could go on and on.. i plan on continuing my search for all of you.. to let you know.. you ARE LOVED and you DONT HAVE to go through the hurt alone..

K n all

Update for us..

everything for us is going ok.. had T session here at the house this morning.. it all went ok for us.. lil one spent some of the first of session playing playdoh with our T.. and talking with her about things she needed to.. then i, myself spent a few moments with her before she needed to spend a little time with kat2..

i was glad to hear that her time with kat2 actually ended up going ok and helped.. we have been concerned about things going on with her.. before session was up our T and i once again reconnected and spoke about a few things..

we are a little low on food and since our community support provider wasnt working yesterday we were not able to make a trip to the grocery store.. so our T offered to take us later on today.. we are so thankful for our T.. shes always helping us out when we need her help on things.. and when in crisis or we need to hear a voice answering back to just say "im here" or "i do care".. shes there.. throughout our lives it was something we never had..

we never felt safe to open up and speak about anything to anyone.. its what we were taught.. to hold our mouths shut.. that our words were not worth hearing or worth being heard.. and that nobody in the world really cared to hear them.. we tried our best to hide ourselves from anyone and everyone.. so afraid if we ended up in front of someones path we would get physically tormented.. or worse..

within the last few years.. we have very very slowly been able to peek out and see some safeness in the world.. in small bits.. but then we would hear a gun shot up the street not far away and we would tuck ourselves away back within ourselves so deep inside and be too afraid to attempt to peek out again for another day or so.. especially the littles..

i know it sounds corny.. but so what.. we all have dreams.. you want to know what mine, Kat, is.. is to fly.. to one day be able to just lift my hands and arms up and take off in flight.. and soar high above everything.. i use to have so many dreams with me flying in them.. i was so happy.. so much at ease.. and sooooo peaceful.. in my dreams i would take people with me.. all i had to do was just touch their hand and then they would be able to lift off the ground and fly too.. we would be so light hearted inside, content and both have such joy there was so room for any type of pain at all..

then.. after my best friend passed away in 2004, the dreams completely stopped.. never had another one.. and i miss them so much.. i miss the happiness i had in them.. the peace.. i miss my friend too.. i use to call her "ladybug".. whats so neat now a days.. is when im real down.. depressed.. and even scared about something.. its weird.. a ladybug will show up our my house.. or will fly on our clothes outside.. or ill see one somewhere and it will remind me that she is around.. shes with me.. then i dont feel so alone.. it really touches me..

anyway.. i know im a strange one.. but at least i live in a System with other strange ones.. lol..

well.. better go for now.. over and out..

K n all

Finding "Hope" Once Again...

after today.. we are truly beginning to believe this statement above.. inch by inch we really are beginning to find our precious "hope" once again.. we deeply know it will take time for each of us all to find it for us seperately.. but at least its a beginning for some of us.. and for those of us who do feel we are slowly beginning to find it.. it brings tears of joy, excitement, peace but with those feelings it also brings along tears of sadness that it was lost for so long, tears of how the hope in our lives was lost and dearly missed.. and tears of "will it stay forever this time.." the doubts.. the sensation of never wanting to let it go ever, ever again..

today we had a meeting with our case worker, t, community support provider and us.. the meeting went very well.. so much better than we had ever expected.. before we started the meeting we sat there balled up within so nervous and scared what was going to happen if we spoke up and said how we truly felt about things.. but once we finally started talking and vocalizing what we needed to talk about.. it got a little easier.. only at one point did i, Kat, withdraw back some, but then i eased back out again and was just fine.. we accoplished alot today.. and we are looking forward to our next meeting with them in 3 months only to share even more of more good news as we work hard on the skills and homework that will be given to us and as we continue to learn more and more..

we are proud we held it together today and worked as a team not only withing but also as a team with our case manager, t, community support provider and all of us.. it proves to us - we CAN do it and things WILL be ok and work out after all..

someone up there above really does listen to our prayers and hears us.. and knows how to answer them in the most awesome way.. doesnt He?

what an awesome day this was..

K n all

Thank you C... we CAN do this!

we know it will take some time working back up that hole we fell into, but we are glad we are making the progress that we are just getting out of it.. we are determined to do our best to get back on course like we were and to continue our work with our t..

we are most postitive that every relationship between client and t have times where they may not see eye to eye on things and its ok to disagree.. if everyone had the same opinion all the time, this would be a very boring world to live in.. plus, you learn alot from others who have different opinions. least thats how i feel.. as long as you dont let your feelings or anger get in the way of others peoples opinions or decisions that they choose to make for themselves..

our t is a very smart woman who has taught us a great amount whom we are very impressed with.. she has been there for us and guided us when we've felt so torn, mixed, confused and lost.. shes helped us in making the right decisions when nessasary.. and then other times giving us the choice on what decision we thought was best for us to make on our own.. which we always seem to make the right ones for us.. least most of the time.. without her guidance these last 9-10 months we would be no where near where we are today..

we dont feel we take enough time to thank her for the time she spends with us in session.. the time she takes out of her day when she calls sometimes.. and even at times when she will respond to emails and send and give homework.. plus all the paperwork she has to do on us.. its not easy for her.. at all.. and i think sometimes we need to stop and think about this more..

so.. to our to T.. your a blessing to us.. i bet our folder is thick huh?

we want those 3 or 4 years with you.. your very special to us.. and we dont say it enough.. we know we can be a REALLY BIG PAIN alot of times.. but we dont mean to.. honestly.. from the deepest part of within our hearts.. we love and care for you and all the hard work you put into helping us..

thank you C.. hang in there with us.. k.. 3 or 4.. we can do it.. we CAN.. its a positive thought! we are not giving up!

K n all - Love from All