Lost in the Unknown

so much has happened with us.. we are not sure where to begin or end.. the picture above shows and describes well exactly how we all are feeling right now.. least for most of us..

some of our sessions with our t have not gone as well as we wanted them to.. we feel a loss in there.. like something has shifted.. like something in the t and client relationship has shifted.. we feel she doesnt keep as much contact with us like she use to.. weekends when we are away from everyone its our hardest time.. she use to be able to check in with us.. that doesnt happen anymore.. she use to keep in touch with us through e-mail or IM.. that rarely happens anymore.. and in our sessions she use to be able to spend a little extra time there.. that doesnt happen anymore.. in ways we can understand though because she has other clients and a family life to take care of.. something we dont have.. but it leaves us also feeling somewhat rejected or as if we did something wrong.. or that we ask for too much.. maybe we do..

last week was a really hard week for us.. i, Kat, overdosed last Sunday night.. i did it very numbingly.. at this point right now.. i feel i dont care that i did it.. im saddened that i can even screw up on an overdose.. but fact still remains im alive still.. and here to face things.. on last Tuesday we went to Mamas gr*ve site.. it was her 2nd year anniv. of her passing.. we didnt get to stay long cause our t had to leave.. i had things built up in me i wanted to say and express.. but i knew by the time i started to share them she would be heading out.. so i pushed everything back down inside me and held back my tears.. went back to my numb stage..

you see theres a story behind mamas passing.. when she died.. her sister Dot blamed me for her death.. she said i stressed her out so bad that i killed her.. i have blamed myself for mamas death ever since.. i have deeply felt that i deserve to be in jail and to be serving time for killing mama.. Dot would not allow me to go to mama viewing or funeral because of all this.. i never really had a chance to say "goodbye" to mama in any way at all.. but ive lived with the guilt of killing her for 2 years so far now.. and the words of Dot echo in me every single day.. and while mama is rotting in her gr*ve i feel i should be the one rotting away down there instead.. i dont feel i will ever be able to forgive myself for killing her.. i want to turn myself into jail but my old t said they would never take me because i didnt do anything wrong.. i dont know.. i feel i did..

this week we also found out one of our cats named Marky has diabeties.. we now have to give him insulin shots twice a day.. this is so draining on us.. we love our cat.. but the medical exspense of it has emptied us out.. we are not sure how we are going to make it.. we dont feel we have much understanding and support about this issue regarding our finances right now and the cost of Marky added to it.. seems others just dont understand our limit and what we can offord.. we just feel so lost, burdened and stuck..

last night.. i, Kat, found myself in that numb stage again.. while i was getting my medications out for the night.. when i was putting them in my hands that passing thought to add more to my hand was there again.. i stood there with the bottle tilted and my hand held steady under the bottle.. i was frozen.. numb.. i dont know what or why i keep getting the feelings and pushes to add more pills to my hand.. i mean i know i feel overwhelmed with life right now.. i know i feel worthless and that people are not really there for us right now and that things really wont even change.. what sort of makes me a little nervous is what will happen when i stand there too long with that bottle tilted and my hand steady and more do fall into it.. and im in that numb stage.. frozen.. with no care like before.. and i do it again.. and i dont wake up the next morning.. and that next morning would have been the day something special something would have changed in our lives.. that next morning someone would have really honestly cared about us and giving a little extra time for us.. and honestly reached their hand out to us and did something a little extra special for us to show they actually "loved" us..

we are so use to people saying they will do this or that.. or they will take us here or there one day.. but nothing ever happens.. we have learned not to get our hopes up anymore.. so many people have made promises to us and broke them that when they promise things now we almost laugh when they do it now.. cause we know its not going to be the truth.. we know its not real.. but deep in our hearts.. it breaks us down deeper and deeper.. and litterly hurts us more and more.. specially the littles.. who heard so many of those promises in younger years and were always broken.. they never wanted it to happen in present times with people they know, love and adore nowadays.. we try hard to protect them.. but even we fail at times..

we are all tired.. moody.. on edge.. unsure.. lost.. nervous.. and feel as if we are running here and there and everywhere.. we all want to be focused and working on the same page but we arnt.. theres just too much going on and too many mixed feelings from so many within.. we are lost in the shuffle of the unknown.. with what feels no way out right now.. and we cant survive this way nor function like this.. something has to happen.. we are just not sure what yet..

K n all

Weeble Wobble Family on the Go

well.. we are back.. still not quite steady on our feet yet but we are back.. things have been totally chaotic for us.. like one slap in the face after another.. we are worn.. very tired.. struggling.. at times dragging our feet but still moving along.. just a little slower than usual for us.. instead of us being able to work on several things at one time.. right now we are only being able to look at maybe 1 or 2 things at a time.. and just barely toss them back and forth without dropping them both..

we did not expect things to turn out this way for us at all.. this was just so unexpected.. and as we seem to keep crawling over these hills we keep losing our footing and slipping back down into one another.. then having to start over again rethinking about other ways to go about it all..

one clear thing we know right now.. is we all want out of this pit we have slid into.. this is not the way we were meant to live our lives.. and the chaos is just not for us.. we love for peace, hope, harmony and freedom.. we strive to acheive just that too.. and some of us are deeply sadden because we feel as if those dreams we have.. have been stashed away in a box out of reach somewhere..

today we had a t session.. our t mainly worked with one of our younger inner ones named lil one.. lil one has been struggling also quite a bit.. she is 7 years old and suffered some deep trauma like many of us.. the session with lil one helped.. lil one is no longer hiding away in her box but instead she is out looking around.. shes not quite fully herself again yet.. but at least shes not hiding away..

we know that there are quite a few within that is needing some help right now.. and if they dont receive that help things will be heading downhill for us even much worse than it is now..

we have one named jesse.. she is 15.. she got upset must of been a week or so ago now.. and she ran away within.. shes not been heard from since.. we all deeply miss her.. we know that weighs heavy on some of the ones within.. we want her to come home safe and sound and soon.. shes part of our family.. and we are not complete without her..

the holiday of H*llowe*n will be coming upon us very very soon.. it is a extremely triggering holiday for us.. holds many horrifing memories for us and we are sharply triggered by all the decorations that are put out by the public and in stores.. makes it hard to go out anywhere or even want to leave our home.. to many memories of the rituals are brought up within and we fight the images we see, smell, taste, hear, feel and remember.. making it all much to real.. that we pull back and shut down without realizing it.. just happens so fast..

this month also holds the 2nd anniversary of Mama passing.. (not the birth mother).. "mama" was someone we "heart" adopted as a mom.. she was the one and only person we ever had in our life who showed us and taught us what a real loving mom was suppose to be like.. one who loves you tenderly.. consistantly..
she had myasthenia gravis disease.. she had it since she was 19 years old.. plus she had so many other things she suffered with.. this woman was one brave lady and one true survivor..

scary part is that some of us have not been able to face her passing.. lil one just thinks shes hiding out there somewhere playing hide and seek with her.. and she begs and begs for Grama to come on back cause she just cant find her hiding spot..
we have only been to mamas grave once.. that was when ( i Kat) could only stand there numbingly and stare down at it.. then suddenly kick the dirt on it and frustratingly say "Your Not In There!!! , Nothings In There" ... then i ran away from it and just wanted to get out of there..

never again did we go back.. thats been almost 2 years ago.. well.... on Sept. 25.. our t and us will be going there together.. we are nervous.. we are not sure what will happen or how we will react again.. it will be 2 years on the 25th that shes been gone.. guess we will find out - wont we?

K n all