unable to sleep..

we're not able to sleep right now.. have too many things on our mind thats troubling us.. and i, Kat, wish i would stop lighting up cigarettes.. but its my nerves.. plus i dont think im the only one smoking! i think someone else may be hanging around dragging on a puff or two every now and then.. cause my cigs seem to go so fast!

anyway.. not really sure its worth talking about anything.. it doesnt seem to accomplish much when i do.. just seems to dig a deeper hole.. seems to be that way for all of us..

how can we have this positive outlook on things when everthing is going down hill.. and its all our fault.. no let me just go ahead and change the way thats worded.. let me take the full blame on all this.. i want to.. its all MY fault.. i did everything to screw up things.. its all my fault.. i dont actually think ive never been more disgusted at something or someone than i am at myself right now..

gggggrrrrrrrrr... i think this was talking.. and i said i didnt need to go there.. lets change the subject ok? please!

so this book i have attached on here.. ive been reading some in.. it can be a little hard to read at times.. really brings things up.. was reading a section on Remembering the Trauma.. it had an exercise in there to try.. boy oh boy i think i wasnt ready for that one.. got smacked in the face with one too many memories and flashbacks when i tried it.. yikes!!!

well then i started reading some on Breaking through Denial.. ummm.... was not ready for that either.. threw me hard.. but i want to be able to read this book.. im wanting it to be able to help some..

when i simply read small parts Acknowledging and Releasing Anger i felt switching coming on. and anger building up inside.. so i quickly tried to direct our attention to something else besides the book.. i put it away..

ill make another attept to read it maybe in a day or two.. ill keep at it.. theres got to be something in there i can read.. ive been at this for almost a week in a half.. and only being able to read bits at a time.. and seeming to be thrown off by each parts i read.. how discouraging..

i for sure thought we were more ready for this..

Currently reading : Adult Children of Abusive Parents: A Healing Program for Those Who Have Been Physically, Sexually, or Emotionally Abused By Steven Farmer Release date: 14 April, 1990

K n all

Marky Found a Home!!

we have been wanting to come in and write this blog to let everyone know for almost a week now, but we couldnt because we were in too much physical pain..

during the time plans were being set up and scheduled for Marky to go to his new home and owner we ended up having 2 teeth in our mouth give us severe pain (one being a broken tooth and we believe one is a wisdom tooth), we have had very painful neck aches, headaches and stick to our stomach.. sleep has been very little because we find ourselves gritting our teeth at night causing us even more pain with our teeth, neck and headaches.. so its been extremely rough for all of us right now..

on saturday, november 24th, 07.. Marky left our house and later on got to meet his new owner Mary.. we are so very touched and thankful this was able to take place.. saying goodbye to Marky was very hard on all of us.. and because of the amount of physical pain we were in it was so hard to let out how we felt.. we just wanted to burst down in tears.. but we couldnt because the pain we were feeling in the body.. physically.. we spent time with our t as she drove us and marky to the place and back home again.. we talked some during that time.. when we arrived back home and entered the house.. its like a whole huge shift took place within us.. sooo many emotions and burst of feelings shot through us.. but still we could only express a little bit of it because of the physical pain our face, head, neck and stomach was in..

i, Kat, am hoping when we get better.. that we will be able to open up and talk more about how we feel regarding Marky instead of keeping it tucked away inside.. as with everything.. only time will tell..

the new owner as offered to send updated pics of Marky from time to time.. we are so grateful of that.. we will dearly miss our sweet Marky around here.. our other cat Lil Bit just continues and continues to search for his buddy.. we just do our best to comfort him.. my eyes start to water each time i see him searching for Marky and meowing for him.. but i try hard not to cry cause i know it will cause me physical pain in my face once i get started.. so i do my best to direct my attention elsewhere..

Marky will always be in our hearts.. and now Mary will be too..

Thank you so much Mary.. what a true blessing you are..

K n all

Oh my Marky.. I'ts time to start looking...

when we first began our journey with marky, boy oh boy we thought we were in for it, but we soon found out much different. we were introduced to Marky and his former roommate Lil Bit by his former owners in September of 2006. when Lil Bit was let loose of the towel he was being held in he nuzzled right up to us. when Marky was let out of the carrier he came in he darted straight underneath the couch and wouldnt come out, FOR NOTHING!!!! lol.. so we would lift up the ruffle of the couch end and peek under there and gentle whisper a sweet hello to our new friend. his eyes just peered at us strangely.. wondering who we were. within the few hours the owners stayed here an visited Marky inched half-way out from under the couch. we got a glance at him. he was beautiful. with his grey and white markings on him and his soft "meow". when the owners were for sure that we wanted both of them and they knew the cats were in good hands they left. kissing both of their cat babies goodbye and snuggling with them. we promised we would keep in touch with them and that they could stop by anytime and visit them. we've kept that promise. in fact, the female owner and i, Kat, have become nice friends.

Over time things now have changed with our loving cats.. our sweet Marky who i believe is around 7 years old now has recently been diagnosed with diabetes. He has really changed. His favorite thing use to be to snuggle at night with us when we slept and to sleep in our lap here at the computer.. that also has changed. Back in May we were admitted to the hospital due to a crisis we were having. We had our neighbor and our community care provider looking after our sweet cats while we were away. When we got home we knew something was wrong with Marky. We told our community care provider and neighbor and asked them questions.. We said Marky had lost alot of weight, too much.. that he was not himself.. that his "meow" was even quiet, that all he was doing was sleeping and that when he walked it was like he was walking very very slow and really carefully..

well as time went on it didnt seem to get any better.. i watched and watched for almost 4 months.. then i got sick of watching and seeing no improvements.. he would eat and drink and still gain no weight at all.. so i finally called a vet that said they would help me with the finances of all the cost of the vet bills.. i made Marky an appointment and took him in.. they ran test on him and sure enough first test showed... diabetes.. they took another test on him called a Glucose Curve Test to find out how much insulin Marky would need to be given, at that time it was 2 units.. meaning 2 shots of insulin 2 times a day.. after time Markys condition was not improving.. so they raised it up to 3 units of insulin.. 2 shots.. 2 times a day..

well.. thats what Marky has been on for some time.. till today.. i went out to Markys vet to pick up another bottle of insulin and sit down and have a heart to heart talk to Markys doctor.. i told her all my concerns..

how i financially just cant do this.. its draining me.. i live on SSI (disability).. and after i pay my bills.. and (embarrassed to say) get the food from my food stamps which is not all that much.. my money has to cover the rest of my food.. plus the cats food and litter.. since markys diabetes he urinates (no kidding!) 10 times more than a normal cat.. he soaks the bottom of the litter box with urine.. the box has to be cleaned and emptied every other day.. so im buying litter for it non-stop.. Marky eats and drinks all day long.. but its not his fault.. its what his body is telling him to do cause his insulin is not right yet..

i have to wake up at 8am to get his med out.. give his shot in the morning at 9:30 am on the dot.. remember to take his med out at 8pm give him his shot at 9:30 pm on the dot.. i worry constantly about him..

i am constantly stressed about issues in our own lives (we are multiple) so we have those EXTRA stresses.. dont sleep well.. but all this doesnt matter.. this is all the side stuff.. what matters is we love Marky.. in my heart i have done the very best i can do for him.. and thats what i told the doctor.. she told me to give myself a certain amount of time.. like a month to 2 months.. and set that time limit for myself.. i would have heard all im going to hear from anyone in that amount of time if anyone is interested seriously.. i said ok..

so.. im giving it 1 month..

for now she has put him on a special kind of insulin.. a very expensive kind.. and raised his insulin to 4 units.. 2 shots.. 2 times a day.. she said when this bottle of insulin runs out she wants me to call her and tell her how he did on it.. so.. im going to.. she knows i cant afford this type of insulin she has him on..

we just hope and pray soo hard that there is someone willing to give Marky a home out there.. but someone who can really give him the time he need.. the care he needs.. and the attention and medical care he needs..

please.. if you or you know anyone who is interested in caring for Marky.. please have them leave us a comment here or let us know..

i would appreciate it so much.. Thank you..

K n all

edited 11/20/07

Deciding what's best for Marky (our cat)

Marky has been a wonderful part of our lives for 2 years now.. He was given to us, along with another cat, by a very nice and loving couple that was moving to a place that would not allow animals. this couple had a total of 5 or 6 cats, so you know they were all very loved. We received Marky and Lil Bit together. They were very playful and each had their own likes and dislikes as cats do. One was very attention seeking and the other wanted his own space and approached you very calmly and would snuggle with you. Marky was quiet and medium size but had little bit of tummy on him. Lil Bit is HUGE, has one blue eye and one gold eye and would act shy at first and then bombard you wanting all the attention he could get out of you even up to the door as you left. For a long time Lil Bit ran the house hold, but things have change. Early this year we noticed a change in Marky.. he began to lose a LOT of weight.. he slept most of the time.. when he was awake he ate and ate and ate and ate then drank and drank and drank and drank then went back to sleep.. but never.. not once putting on a single pound.. just losing more and more weight.. even his hair beginning to thin.. he wasnt cleaning himself as well.. his eyes were kind of dazed.. and his meow became a silent meow.. you could see Marky was not well at all.. All this was happening over a 4 month period of time.. we became extremely worried..

so we found a vet and took him in ASAP.. they diagnosed Marky with diabetes.. at first he was taking 2 units of insulin shots 2 times a day.. it was not helping at all.. so they did a Glucose Curve Test on him and quickly raised it to 3 units.. where he is now.. still he is not himself.. he is still scarfing food down.. water down non-stop.. and when he urinates.. its almost like he can go to the bathroom like a human.. he can fill the bottom of the litter box with urine so much.. hes not suppose to be doing this.. so we know the amount of insulin hes receiving is still not enough.. we were told that the can food is better for his health than dry food.. so we have slowly switched both cats over to can food.. (9-lives) which they love.. but the sad part is when i set the food down for them.. Marky will gulp all his down extremely fast then run over to Lil Bit and force him to leave his and gulp his down too.. so Lil Bit will be left with nothing at all.. then the little bit of dry food that is left from us taking them off of it Marky will run over and continue to pig out on all of that.. then drink water for a few minutes.. then back to more dry food.. then water.. then back to dry food.. till ive finally started taking up the dry food so he will stop eating.. Marky doesnt know when to stop.. hes still so off track of his medicine that he dont know and cant stop himself..

the bills for the vet already have cost me bundles.. but ive worked it all out and been able to meet them all.. i love him.. id do anything for him.. i want to help him and i want to see him get the help he truly deserves..

but its come time for me to sadly make a decision.. i have to ask myself.. does Marky need a different care taker? someone who can provide him with more help than i can give him? someone who is more stabilized in finances than i am? in my heart.. i feel.. Yes.. although i know all of us and Lil Bit would dearly miss him.. we want to do what is right and what is best for Marky.. we want him to have a better life and have the full treatment he needs.. and we can only hope and pray that there is someone out there who would love him as much as we do and would loving care for him as we have..

All we can do is reach out and try to find someone...

and pray, pray, pray.. that our prayers will be answered and the perfect person for him will come....

well.. Thank you for listening...

here is a picture of Marky before he was diagnosed with diabetes..

K n all

One HUGE Lesson Learned

we know its been quite some time since we've be able to write.. so much has been happening for us.. online and offline.. its really been too much for us to handle.. way to much.. and we've spiraled down once more again.. if we didnt allow things online to whack us down as much and effect us like it does we might could stand our ground a little better for the things offline.. but to have the blows coming at us offline and online at the same time........ it makes us crash every time.. somehow for our sake we have to learn to handle them differently and much better.. cause if we dont we are either going to end up in the hospital ever time or end up self injuring ever time or end up trying to OD ever time or.... even worse.... that the attempt of the OD finally would take us out completely.. when we are hurt so bad by people either online or offline.. it digs so deep into us and takes us back to the days when we were hurt from our abusers.. it pulls up those nasty horrible feelings of what they did.. the flashes and memories.. and there we are.. feeling it all over again.. 10x harder..

we going to talk about something that we think we need to talk about.. maybe it will help get it off our mind and chest.. dont really know.. i first opened a forum in 1998.. i ran it from 1998 - 2000.. i closed that forum down due to lack of members.. there was only 2 of us.. i opened a second forum in 2001 - 2005.. then closed that one when mama passed away in September.. she was my co-host at that forum.. i felt lost without her there and needed time to grief over her.. i finally felt strong enough to try it again in August of 2006.. i opened another forum.. which im not going to mention the name of it and i would appreciate it if the name stayed unmentioned.. anyway.. in all the forums that i owned and ran the whole time.. never once did anyone have a problem with the Rules & Guidelines that i had set up for the forums.. they were there to keep all the members safe.. of course including myself and my system.. things had always worked out just fine.. never had any complaints and everyone always abide by the rules.. and respected each other and staff.. ....well.. till this last forum i set up.. you see.. in the Rules ive always put up i had it always set to where you had to use spoilers to help protect ones who were survivors of SRA and abuse.. ones who were easily triggered by words such as blo*d and c*lt and p*nis and so on.. words that easily make us want to vomit and send us into flashbacks as well as other SRA survivors and im sure other survivors of abuse.. thats why we had the rules of spoilers to be used in our old forum..

there were some members who didnt like it.. who found it down right unnecessary to use them and even said that using them triggered them to use them.. this we could not understand.. our system became very unsettled.. we wanted to make everyone happy at our site.. and be the ones to always keep the peace.. we are the type to want to always please people.. but not using spoilers? this actually scared us.. we knew the type of words we would be having to face seeing in front of our eyes on the boards.. and we knew it would cause many triggers for us.. this was not something we would be able to handle or feel safe with.. we all the sudden began feeling unsafe at our own site.. the talk amongst the members was still going on about not using the spoilers.. and we began drifting further and further away inside.. fear began to set in..

i, Kat, as the owner of the forum.. was too scared to speak up and say, NO.. the rules need to stay as they are! i was too afraid of not being liked or people getting mad at me for keeping the spoiler rule.. cause all i ever wanted was people to just be happy..

then i realized my teens were excluding themselves from the site.. because i was not speaking out about the rules.. then some of the littles.. they no longer felt safe there.. ...then.. some of the older ones.. and... i dont blame them.. i too.. no longer felt safe there either.. by the time it was all over.. one of my protectors and i were the only ones left there.. and we both excluded ourselves from the site as well..

we know it was wrong to just leave the site.. to totally leave the site with no admin.. but we all talked about it within.. and we talked to our t about it.. we did it for the safety for all of us.. to protect ourselves..

things happened after i, Kat, excluded myself.. i wasnt able to manage the board anymore.. cause it got locked.. but i was able to preview it.. i saw where members in there were fussing about who was going to take over my forum and run it.. never once did it cross their minds who was actually paying for that forum to sit there all that time.. or all that time they got to use it.. or... (i know all this has got to sound selfish) but even.. not comment about.. gosh.. wonder how kat n all is... or if they are ok?

and... it hurt..

now that no one can get into my old forum cause its locked and being closed down.. they've all gone back to the forum where they use to go.. and whats so sad and hurts me so deep.. is they are all talking about me and my old forum on that site they went back to.. nothing good either.. i have apologized over and over for how i left my old forum.. i do feel it was wrong.. but to go to another forum who knew nothing about anything and to talk about me and my old forum on it i just feel is not right at all.. i feel thats a huge dig at me.. and deeply hurts..

i have cried and cried about this.. i make mistakes.. everyone does.. but you always learn from those mistakes.. apologize for what you did.. and pick up and move on.. ive apologized to all of them.. i learned.. but im having the hardest time picking up and moving on.. knowing that im being torn apart at another place...

my old t use to tell me.. all that matters is that you tried your hardest..

and i did... i did try my hardest... but maybe.. just maybe.. it wasnt hard enough this time.. i just dont know...

this is the honest first time that i never want to come back to the Internet... the first time that i never want to see the outdoors again... that i dont even want to be around another person... and that everyone within had backed away and doesnt trust people online anymore.. as i said.. we learned..... now we just want to disappear......

k and everyone of us within

An Article We Would Like to Share

this is an article from the Daily OM and it really touched us today and brought a smile to our faces and hearts.. its something we needed to hear and read.. and we would like to share it and pass it on to everyone else..

A Good Turn DailyHelping The World Every Day

Each of us is more than capable of helping the world, despite our fears and limitations and the uncertainty that holds us back. It is commonly accepted that it is impossible to make a difference without unlimited funding or free time, yet most healing, cleansing, and spreading of joy is accomplished in a matter of minutes. If we vow to make the world a better place one day at a time, the true significance of small good deeds reveals itself to us. We come to see that we can be of service without dedicating our lives to recognized charities or giving up the pleasures we enjoy. The warmth we feel when we help the world is only a tiny part of the affirmative transformations that take place when we make altruism a part of everyday existence.We make our homes, workplaces, communities, and countries better and brighter when we think positive thoughts that echo outward, give donations of time or money, smile at everyone we meet, and lend those in need of aid our assistance. As we learn, we inadvertently improve the universe because we can only be truly involved when we are informed. Even enthusiastically sharing ideas with others generates positive energy that then serves as the motivation for more tangible change. Selfless and helpful deeds remind us that we exercise some degree of control over a world that can seem chaotic at times. Even the smallest of such deeds is a demonstration of the fact that we are capable of changing the world in a positive way. So much negative energy is generated by the suffering, pain, and close-mindedness we are regularly exposed to, but we can counteract it in a constructive way by thinking and acting altruistically when opportunities to do so arise. Helping the world often takes no more than a moment, just a wish for the world is a beautiful gesture and can be done by even the busiest of people effortlessly. The gift you give each day need not be grand or attention-worthy because the broader benefits are the same no matter the literal repercussions. Once a day, you can affect reality, and you can reap the rewards of knowing that you are making the world a better place, day by day.

this really stood out to us.. that we, "WE" can make a difference.. even in the smallest, simplist ways.. just a smile.. or just helping someone or even just by donating things we dont need, use or that others may need.. this has helped open our eyes and mind to new ideas and ways we can make a difference for others and in the world.. even if sometimes it is just a smile, wishing someone a good day or a making a connection with someone and sharing a conversation with them.. it just might change their day in some way.. you never know..

so.. to make a start..

AND

K n all

Things That Matter to Us - Part 1(Dreaming2Fly)

we dont think we get enough chances to write about the things that matter to us.. so tonight we are going to spend that time doing just that.. and anyone who wants to contribute within our system will add their own in Parts added onto Our Dream to Fly Blog..

as for me, K or Dreaming2Fly there are many things that matter to me..
-for one our entire Systems within do.. and all within them..
-my birth children..
-the people who supprt us like:
-our t, C..
-our community support provider, M..
-our case manager, K..
-our online friends who are so kind to us..
-the forum i run matters to me and its website..
-the blogs i write in matter to me..
-the well being of my birth family matters to me, even though we may not always see eye to eye..
-my cats matter to me, a whole lot and the proper care for them..
-helping others matters to me..
-helping others understand and learn about depression, MPD/DID, flashbacks, SRA, PTSD, triggers, self-injury, coping skills, DBT, ways to self- soothe and more matters to me..
-help stopping child abuse, domestic violence, and rape completely matters to me..
-finding happiness matters to me..
-learning when to reach out to others and when to do it on my own matters to me..
-learning when to trust and when not to matters to me..
-becoming more comfortable with my surroundings matters to me..
-learning to accept i cant do it all the time, that i need breaks..
-learning not to judge myself so harshly..
-learning to give others a chance..
-learning to accept that others really do care matters to me..
-learning that just being "me" is not so bad, matters to me..
-learning that its ok to say how i feel and what im feeling or thinking matters to me, even thought it can be really hard at times..
-learning that its ok to be angry matters to me..
-my hardest one is trying to learn not to shut people out when im having a hard time.. this does matter to me..
-its hard to say this.. specially right now when things are so bad.. but... i think my life matters to me.. im trying for it to matter to me..
-it matters to me if the sun rises and sets each day..
-if definitely matters to me if its cold outside..
-people who are ill, sick or dying matter to me..
-people who are sad, alone, lonely, grieving, hurting, lost, scared/afraid, or in any type of emotional pain matter to me..
-learning to be a better person matters to me..
-learning to get better matters to me..
-learning to overcome where i am now... it matters to me.. i dont like being stuck..
-learning to accept help.. matters to me..
-learning to listen matter to me..
-moving forward matters to me.. i know i may stumble back sometimes.. but we all do.. then we dust ourselves off and continue onward..
-finding the light in the end and not staying in the darkness matters to me..
-learning from your own lessons.. and not repeating them.. thought it may not be easy at first.. but you'll get there.. it matters to me..

im sure there is plenty more things that matter to me.. but this is my list so far.. if i think of more i will make another writing for myself with a Part 2-Dreaming2Fly

K (Dreming2Fly)

my 2 cents.. nobody ever said it was worth much anyway..

theres just a few things i want to say.. though they may not be encouraging to anyone but.. im sure we all have those time when we are not our best.. dont we?

first.. giving up doesnt always mean you are weak.. sometimes it means you are strong enough to let go!

have you ever been hurt.. and the place tries to heal.. and you just pull the scar off it over and over again?

to me relationships are like glass.. and to me sometimes its better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together..

maybe part of loving.... IS.. letting go.....

i never knew how bad it could hurt to lose something... i never really had in the first place.. i only "thought" i had..

sorry to be such the downer.. but thats my 2 cents for whoever cares..

K

Our Heart-Broken Child

for a while now we have been trying to help one of our littles within named lil one.. she has gotten to where she isolates herself away from the other littles insides and will sit in her room within and suck her thumb and rock and at times cry.. our t has been working with her trying to help her get past this stage.. lil one has shown signs of anger by throwing things.. destroying others property.. hitting.. and yelling..

she started showing all these signs after we had made the trip to visit mamas grave site (lil ones grama).. for many years lil one believed grama was still alive and just hiding.. that grama was playing hide-n-seek with her.. lil one fully believed that one day she would find grama or that grama would return to her.. and they would be reunited.. the visit to gramas grave set in confusion for lil one.. and brought many questions.. lil ones questions were answered with pure honesty and reality.. that grama was not returning.. that she was in heaven but that grama would live forever in her heart and that grama loved her very much.. this upset lil one to the fullest.. she questioned how grama got way up there to heaven.. she asked if grama had fairy wings and flew like a fairy.. some of these questions were hard to answer almost.. lil one stayed confused..

in the end of it all lil one felt the only way for her to be with her grama again was to end her life the way I,Kat, had tried to not long ago by OD'ing.. so lil one had it in her head that by taking my medications it would reunite to with grama.. when our t and i found this out we had to set up supervision for lil one.. almost non-stop.. its been very wearing on us.. but worth it.. finally after much work with our t lil one promised our t not to go looking for the medications anymore or to touch them.. we are hoping lil one means to keep her promise.. we kept her under supervision last night.. one of our ones within who is 8 named lynn said lil one came out for a little while to draw a picture to send to our t then went back within to her room.. lynn said she didnt talk much to her at all and did not know what she drew.. that lil one just wanted help attaching the picture to an e-mail.. that was it..

im hoping lil one being able to draw some helped.. today she has been in her box in her bedroom.. something she hides in at times when shes not in good shape.. ive been able to hear her sucking her thumb in there.. but nothing else.. my concern for lil one has not lessened at all.. i still am extremely concerned.. and deeply wish i knew how to help her.. i know the grief ive had and suffered for mamas passing.. its been overwhelming.. i cant begin to imagine it for a 7 year old who pretty much has lived in a dream world that her grama was still alive and out there and come to the shock that all the sudden shes not there at all.. and hadnt been for 2 years..

my heart goes out to lil one.. and i really hope she can pull through this safely.. we are all waiting and watching.. guess right now only time will tell..

K n all

If Only It Would Rain.......

this saying is so true for us.. its much easier for us to hide our tears in the rain cause no one can tell their there.. they just think its raindrops on our faces.. we can hide our tears so much easier in the rain than the sun shine and when we are standing face to face in front of someone..

sometimes we find it embarassing to cry in front of someone.. almost like we should feel ashamed of it.. when we can ease around a corner of darkness or bury our faces in our pillow and pull up the blankets and allow the tears to flow we find a little more safeness doing that.. as long as we still dont make any sounds with our cries..

who taught us that we had to be so quiet when we cry? that even a small whimper sound would be forbidden and wrong? that we should be ashamed of that type of sound coming from us. we wonder what it would sound like for us to really let a release of emotion out.. safely.. and would we be looked upon in shame and disqust if we did..

what makes us think we have to hold it together or stuff our feelings within so much.. not share.. is it fear we will be judged.. beat? tortured? locked up somewhere? not believed.. or not loved for "who" we are once we've let it all out.. once we "shown" ourselves..

If Only It Would Rain

if only it would rain..

we could reach within ourselves..

we could release this awful pain..

thats stacked upon these shelves..

if only it would rain..

we could walk amoungst the crowds..

we might could feel less of al this shame..

things within might be less and less so loud..

if only it would rain..

Copyright by K n all

Erupting Volcanos

today in during our sesssion our t had us build a volcano out of Playdough.. we picked the colors for it.. we used yellow, green, dark pink, red, and tiny, tiny bits of white.. the base of the Volcano was yellow.. then we added a next higher level of green.. then next higher level of dark pink.. then closed a sealed topping over it with red.. we put tiny, tiny small pebbles of white around the bottom base of it here and there for little white rocks...

she then brought around some people figures.. some real little rocks.. little alligator figures.. an Alf figure and 2 rubber frogs..

for the people there was 3 or 4 children.. a dad.. a mom.. and a grandmother..
she asked us to place these anywhere we would think they would go..

well.. we added the rocks to the base of the Volcano.. then the rubber frogs to climb on them.. and the alligators not too far away from them..

then we placed the kids close to the Volcano cause kids are always curious about things and wanting to check things out and see.. so we placed them right by the rocks.. standing towards the Volcano..

we placed the parents way off somewhere else.. no where near the kids.. since parents usually never keep an eye on their kids like their suppose to.. we put the grandmother to the side with some extra rocks sort of like she was messing around in a garden.. and the Alf figure we put him far away and said he was at home in the kids bedroom..

our t then made a hold in the center of our Volcano.. and placed some baking soda in a small cup shaped thing.. and poured water into it.. and it made the Volcano erupt.. the water seeping down was to be the lava exploding.. it would have gotten the children, frogs.. aligators and all on the rocks.. and further if it hadnt of been sheltered in..

we then talked about words describing a non active Volcano.. and an active Volcano..

we talked about if we could place this Volcano we were building anywhere.. where would we have placed it.. we told her on the mothers bed..
we then talked about the Volcano within ourselves.. what signs are there before and after the Volcano erupts within ourselves..

we listed many many different signs..

we learned alot from this today.. and we believe our t did also.. it was really interesting to do.. and to hear ourselves easily come out and say all these signs of things we do was almost shocking in some ways.. it just kind of flowed out of us..
in a way it was hard work but good work.. we are glad we had a chance to get to do this experiment today..

have you ever thought about erupting Volcanos before?

even your very own erupting Volcano within yourself?

could be something to think about.....

K n all

Lost in the Unknown

so much has happened with us.. we are not sure where to begin or end.. the picture above shows and describes well exactly how we all are feeling right now.. least for most of us..

some of our sessions with our t have not gone as well as we wanted them to.. we feel a loss in there.. like something has shifted.. like something in the t and client relationship has shifted.. we feel she doesnt keep as much contact with us like she use to.. weekends when we are away from everyone its our hardest time.. she use to be able to check in with us.. that doesnt happen anymore.. she use to keep in touch with us through e-mail or IM.. that rarely happens anymore.. and in our sessions she use to be able to spend a little extra time there.. that doesnt happen anymore.. in ways we can understand though because she has other clients and a family life to take care of.. something we dont have.. but it leaves us also feeling somewhat rejected or as if we did something wrong.. or that we ask for too much.. maybe we do..

last week was a really hard week for us.. i, Kat, overdosed last Sunday night.. i did it very numbingly.. at this point right now.. i feel i dont care that i did it.. im saddened that i can even screw up on an overdose.. but fact still remains im alive still.. and here to face things.. on last Tuesday we went to Mamas gr*ve site.. it was her 2nd year anniv. of her passing.. we didnt get to stay long cause our t had to leave.. i had things built up in me i wanted to say and express.. but i knew by the time i started to share them she would be heading out.. so i pushed everything back down inside me and held back my tears.. went back to my numb stage..

you see theres a story behind mamas passing.. when she died.. her sister Dot blamed me for her death.. she said i stressed her out so bad that i killed her.. i have blamed myself for mamas death ever since.. i have deeply felt that i deserve to be in jail and to be serving time for killing mama.. Dot would not allow me to go to mama viewing or funeral because of all this.. i never really had a chance to say "goodbye" to mama in any way at all.. but ive lived with the guilt of killing her for 2 years so far now.. and the words of Dot echo in me every single day.. and while mama is rotting in her gr*ve i feel i should be the one rotting away down there instead.. i dont feel i will ever be able to forgive myself for killing her.. i want to turn myself into jail but my old t said they would never take me because i didnt do anything wrong.. i dont know.. i feel i did..

this week we also found out one of our cats named Marky has diabeties.. we now have to give him insulin shots twice a day.. this is so draining on us.. we love our cat.. but the medical exspense of it has emptied us out.. we are not sure how we are going to make it.. we dont feel we have much understanding and support about this issue regarding our finances right now and the cost of Marky added to it.. seems others just dont understand our limit and what we can offord.. we just feel so lost, burdened and stuck..

last night.. i, Kat, found myself in that numb stage again.. while i was getting my medications out for the night.. when i was putting them in my hands that passing thought to add more to my hand was there again.. i stood there with the bottle tilted and my hand held steady under the bottle.. i was frozen.. numb.. i dont know what or why i keep getting the feelings and pushes to add more pills to my hand.. i mean i know i feel overwhelmed with life right now.. i know i feel worthless and that people are not really there for us right now and that things really wont even change.. what sort of makes me a little nervous is what will happen when i stand there too long with that bottle tilted and my hand steady and more do fall into it.. and im in that numb stage.. frozen.. with no care like before.. and i do it again.. and i dont wake up the next morning.. and that next morning would have been the day something special something would have changed in our lives.. that next morning someone would have really honestly cared about us and giving a little extra time for us.. and honestly reached their hand out to us and did something a little extra special for us to show they actually "loved" us..

we are so use to people saying they will do this or that.. or they will take us here or there one day.. but nothing ever happens.. we have learned not to get our hopes up anymore.. so many people have made promises to us and broke them that when they promise things now we almost laugh when they do it now.. cause we know its not going to be the truth.. we know its not real.. but deep in our hearts.. it breaks us down deeper and deeper.. and litterly hurts us more and more.. specially the littles.. who heard so many of those promises in younger years and were always broken.. they never wanted it to happen in present times with people they know, love and adore nowadays.. we try hard to protect them.. but even we fail at times..

we are all tired.. moody.. on edge.. unsure.. lost.. nervous.. and feel as if we are running here and there and everywhere.. we all want to be focused and working on the same page but we arnt.. theres just too much going on and too many mixed feelings from so many within.. we are lost in the shuffle of the unknown.. with what feels no way out right now.. and we cant survive this way nor function like this.. something has to happen.. we are just not sure what yet..

K n all

Weeble Wobble Family on the Go

well.. we are back.. still not quite steady on our feet yet but we are back.. things have been totally chaotic for us.. like one slap in the face after another.. we are worn.. very tired.. struggling.. at times dragging our feet but still moving along.. just a little slower than usual for us.. instead of us being able to work on several things at one time.. right now we are only being able to look at maybe 1 or 2 things at a time.. and just barely toss them back and forth without dropping them both..

we did not expect things to turn out this way for us at all.. this was just so unexpected.. and as we seem to keep crawling over these hills we keep losing our footing and slipping back down into one another.. then having to start over again rethinking about other ways to go about it all..

one clear thing we know right now.. is we all want out of this pit we have slid into.. this is not the way we were meant to live our lives.. and the chaos is just not for us.. we love for peace, hope, harmony and freedom.. we strive to acheive just that too.. and some of us are deeply sadden because we feel as if those dreams we have.. have been stashed away in a box out of reach somewhere..

today we had a t session.. our t mainly worked with one of our younger inner ones named lil one.. lil one has been struggling also quite a bit.. she is 7 years old and suffered some deep trauma like many of us.. the session with lil one helped.. lil one is no longer hiding away in her box but instead she is out looking around.. shes not quite fully herself again yet.. but at least shes not hiding away..

we know that there are quite a few within that is needing some help right now.. and if they dont receive that help things will be heading downhill for us even much worse than it is now..

we have one named jesse.. she is 15.. she got upset must of been a week or so ago now.. and she ran away within.. shes not been heard from since.. we all deeply miss her.. we know that weighs heavy on some of the ones within.. we want her to come home safe and sound and soon.. shes part of our family.. and we are not complete without her..

the holiday of H*llowe*n will be coming upon us very very soon.. it is a extremely triggering holiday for us.. holds many horrifing memories for us and we are sharply triggered by all the decorations that are put out by the public and in stores.. makes it hard to go out anywhere or even want to leave our home.. to many memories of the rituals are brought up within and we fight the images we see, smell, taste, hear, feel and remember.. making it all much to real.. that we pull back and shut down without realizing it.. just happens so fast..

this month also holds the 2nd anniversary of Mama passing.. (not the birth mother).. "mama" was someone we "heart" adopted as a mom.. she was the one and only person we ever had in our life who showed us and taught us what a real loving mom was suppose to be like.. one who loves you tenderly.. consistantly..
she had myasthenia gravis disease.. she had it since she was 19 years old.. plus she had so many other things she suffered with.. this woman was one brave lady and one true survivor..

scary part is that some of us have not been able to face her passing.. lil one just thinks shes hiding out there somewhere playing hide and seek with her.. and she begs and begs for Grama to come on back cause she just cant find her hiding spot..
we have only been to mamas grave once.. that was when ( i Kat) could only stand there numbingly and stare down at it.. then suddenly kick the dirt on it and frustratingly say "Your Not In There!!! , Nothings In There" ... then i ran away from it and just wanted to get out of there..

never again did we go back.. thats been almost 2 years ago.. well.... on Sept. 25.. our t and us will be going there together.. we are nervous.. we are not sure what will happen or how we will react again.. it will be 2 years on the 25th that shes been gone.. guess we will find out - wont we?

K n all

Verbal Abuse & How it Can Hurt

we havent been posting very much because we have been going through a hard time with a situation in our lives.. i have done much thinking.. i made some decisions for my life and our system that is going to make things much easier for us.. and i am so thankful that im back in my right mind.. several changes have happened in our lives and in the Forum we run.. and we are pleased with them..

with the help of some "truly special friends" we are able to move forward now.. with the wonderful support of my t, case worker and care provider we have gained the strength back in ourselves that we thought was lost.. we are standing firm and head held high and nothing will knock us back down from here..

you see.. we had this old friend that reminding us alot of the birth mother.. with her ev*l ways of attacks.. her non stop insults.. constantly putting me or my inner ones down.. or saying horrible things about them.. i was somehow sucked under her control over and over again.. but not no more.. in public places she shows a completely different side of herself.. but behind those walls.. or in those private places.. in emails.. in PMs.. she attacks full force.. with hate spitting from her mouth..

at times this old friend would be nice, somewhat supportive and use ways to get me to believe she would always be there for all of us and listen.. what we did not know is it came with a big price on that friendship.. if i was to say something this person didnt like or agree with.. she blew up and totally went off on me.. humiliating me the best she could.. twisting words around that were said.. and even putting words in my mouth that i had never spoken.. she did this to not only me but to my inner ones as well.. this is what you call...... VERBAL ABUSE.. one of the worst kinds..

we will no longer take any type of abuse from anyone.. we have drawn the line and now have our eyes WIDE OPEN.. the Forum we run does not support anyone who is abusive to others in any way shape or form.. and we are going to go to the extreme and make sure it stays that way.. if you are being verbally attacked by somone in our Forum.. i ask everyone to inform me ASAP of the situation because it will be taken care of just like was with the old friend who harmed us.. its time all of us survivors pull together and remember where we use to be and where we are not now and not to let ANYONE put you back in that old place again.. taking a stand against abuse is what all of us need to be doing..

and right now.. we Our System is at the front of that line....................

if anyone is verbally abusing you.. get out of the relationship or friendship now! i promise you it only gets worse and worse until you are sucked into their nasty bite and you will end up severly harmed and hurt.. getting away from an abuser like that is your only choice..


my love to each one of you whom we can trust and whom we know love and care for us..

K n all

Letter to Our T

Dear C,

when you came into our lives we didnt realize how much of a difference you were going to make for us.. we didnt realize how much we were going to accept you as part of our family.. and how much you were going to help us.. the way you greet us with a smile everytime and lift our spirits.. the way you listen to us with total understanding and an open heart and the way you seem to continually care about us no matter what..

we didnt realize it woud hurt so much when you were not around either.. that part we havent figured out why it happens yet.. maybe its because its what we've longed for in a person before.. not sure..

you are such an inspiration to us.. you bring us hope that we could not find.. hope that we did not have.. that we just could not see.. but so dearly needed in our lives..

when there are times when we are really struggling.. you are there.. times when SI thoughts are bothering us.. you are there.. when flashbacks are hitting us hard.. you are there.. you dont have to make yourself available during these times but you do.. even times at night.. when one of us calls you stuggling.. you are there..

there has never been another T like you that has made herself available like this for us before.. it has really helped us be able to move further in healing and learn to trust you more.. we just dont think the words "thank you" could ever be enough to say how much we appreciate you.. you have a special place deep in our hearts.. but if "thank you" could say it all.... then... "Thank You C, For Everything You Do in Our Lives. You Mean the World to Us."

(((((((((((((((((((((((( HUGS )))))))))))))))))))))))))))

From AllofUS to Our T, C

For the Next 2 Weeks

we cant help but wonder how things will be for us for the next 2 weeks while our T is out of state on vacation.. things within are so mixed up and confusing for us right now.. with her leaving, it leaves us feeling sort of alone and scared and unsure..

it brings back feelings when our last T moved away.. we know our current T says she coming back but how do we know that for sure.. we feel like just closing our doors and locking them and staying deep inside till we know she is back.. yes we are pretty much scared stiff right now.. silly? yes.. but its how we feel..

yesterday we had lunch with our care provider, case manager and T to celebrate the bodys birthday.. it was the last day we would be getting to see our T before she left on vacation.. when it was time for us to say bye to her we didnt want to.. many were so sad inside.. i, myself, just wanted to cry.. but i didnt.. i held myself together so she wouldnt know.. i didnt want to seem like i couldnt handle it.. but yet i sit here now.. with tears in my eyes.. feeling so odd.. with overwhelming sadness and a deep aloneness filling up in me..

we have gotten to where we trust our new T.. and can talk to her.. and share with her private things in our lives that helps us overcome the battles we need to.. and for the next 2 weeks we will have to bottle those things up.. hiding our faces from the world so no one knows we are not ok right now.. it was ok to us for us to let our guard down with our T.. but we still have concern letting our guard down with others in the world..

if we could just remain asleep during the time she is gone it would pass by so much faster.. but we know we could not sleep for that long of a time.. what are we going to do? what do we do with this deep sadness? if only we didnt care so much it wouldnt hurt so bad.. if we could only shut off our feelings.. but we cant..

we feel lost.. just totally lost right now..

K n all

Prayers of a Young Child

with her face smushed up into the dusty screen of her bedroom window she use to picture King Kong storming through her grandmothers backyard.. she was never sure if King Kong was coming to save her from her home of torture or coming to get her.. her heart pounded in fear.. she would race from her bedroom window to the front screen door.. peering through it.. watching as King Kong got closer and closer and people below ran for their lives out of his way.. sceaming in terror..

tucked under her arm was a very large Mickey Mouse.. who at that time was taller than she was.. she would drag his feet on the floor as she ran back and forth to each window.. watching and waiting in fear for what this disturbing creature might do..

these were the dreams of one of our littles named, Lil Sue.. who is 5 years old.. every day Lil Sue would sit on her bed.. looking out her bedrooms dusty window.. praying that God would take her away.. away from the pain she suffered at home by the hands of her parents.. she would then turn and talk to her best friend.. her Mickey Mouse.. and tell him all her fears.. begging Mickey Mouse to come to life and help her.. to show Mickey how much she loved him she would even dress him up in her clothes and wrap him up in her favorite Strawberry Shortcake blaket that her Nanny made her..

every day she went back to her window again and again.. feeling more hopeless.. feeling as if God was not hearing her cries for help or that maybe she was not loved enough by Him to be helped.. while everyone was sleeping.. she sat awake.. with her face breathing in the dust from that dirty old window.. waiting for some sign that He was there and coming to save her.. but nothing ever happened.. many times she fell asleep against the window screen.. with dried tears on her face..

Lil Sue's dreams of King Kong proceeded to get worse and worse.. to the point where she tucked herself away inside and didnt return till the body was an adult.. she had given up on God saving her from the pain of the abuse and that He loved her..

She stay's hidden under a bed inside now.. fearing to come out.. tucking herself away from the outside world.. we will never know the reasons why we were left in the abuse we were.. but we have come to try to focus on the fact that we survived for a purpose.. and we are here for a reason.. we hope to one day know..

Lil Sue may never have her answer if King Kong was coming to get her or to save her.. maybe King Kong was coming to get the family for what they were doing to us.. maybe King Kong was mad because they were hurting us and it was Lil Sue's way of expressing it since she couldn't.. we will never really know..

what we do know is she is a very special little girl and very loved by our System.. and we are proud of her for helping us making it through..

Peace, Love & Harmony to all..

K

Because of You by Kelly Clarkson

Because of You by Kelly Clarkson

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because you know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you
Because of you

this song by kelly clarkson is one i play and think of the mother only.. when i listen to it i get feelings of frustration, sadness, confusion and small amounts of anger..

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

the mother made alot of mistakes (not saying people dont make them).. but raising your child up with abuse is an awful big mistake (could add more to that but i wont).. the mother still to this day feels she never did anything wrong.. therefor she has never apologized for any of the times she raised her hand to us or the sisters.. or when she made us take of our pants and panties to get spanked with belts.. or when she choked us and while saying all kinds of cuss words spitting from her mouth in our face.. seems like all our life so far all we have wanted to hear were the words "I'm sorry" from the mother.. but i believe its something we will honestly never get to hear..

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

the mother was the one who we should have been able to look up to.. share things with.. talk to when there were bad days for us.. and receive love, hugs and comfort from.. but because of the constant abuse and hurt we received from her we feared her.. we learned to fear everyone.. we never knew when someone else would hurt us like she did.. we never could trust anything she told us.. or anything she was doing.. or sometimes when she left if she was even coming back.. we feared her every move.. if fears us to hear the voice of the mother even as an adult now.. and we do every day in our memories & flashbacks we suffer with.. fear is installed in us because of her..

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because you know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

while growing up she made it an issue to point out our every mistake.. our every accident.. to tease us.. mock us and constantly threaten us.. when there times we had felt like crying or showing emotion she walked away.. or would not listen.. even when we knew we were sinking into a pit of despair.. she turned her back and walked away and would not listen that we needed help.. if tears came she glared at us and got angry.. there were a few times when she slapped the face and said sharply "stop that" or "knock it off".. we learned crying was not allowed.. showing any type of emotion besides "happiness" and "im ok" was not allowed.. because of her..

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

though the birth mother for us is still living.. we feel in our hearts she died.. that the only chance we had for a loving, caring mother is gone and taken away from us.. we grieve hard over this.. while growing up the mother and step father fought a whole lot.. the mother often talked to us about their problems and looked to us (her daughters) to lean on for support.. for us it only brought confusion.. while one night sitting in the bathroom floor of the mothers she sobbed and sobbed talking about the step father and some huge dispute they had.. we were confused and just wanted them not to fight.. we found ourselves scared to get up and walk out of the room.. scared on what she might do.. not only to us.. but to herself.. or if she would leave in the car and never show back up again.. so we sat there with her while she just cried and talked.. we were much too young to be the ones to lean on.. but we ended up being the ones taking care of them instead of them taking care of us.. if only she would of taken the time to find out what was going on in our lives and had some interest in that part too.. then maybe we wouldnt be so messed up today.. because of her..

Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you

because of everything the mother has done to us we do try very hard to forget.. and forget everything.. but its like we cant.. we live the nightmares of our memories & flashbacks almost on a daily basis.. we isolate ourselves from most of the people in the world.. scared of being judged, criticized, hurt and abused more.. its painfully hard for us to allow people in our lives.. we have such walls built up around us.. doing something new.. going to new places.. meeting someone new is almost out of the question for us.. but we are working on trying to get better with this.. our life back then and today has never had many people in it.. too scared to reach out.. we often feel very alone but feel we are safer to be alone than possibly hurt again..

Dear Mother,
You taught us many things.. most of all those things was how to fear you and how to be ashamed of ourselves.. you've wanted us to lie all these years and believe in our hearts that what you did was right and that there was nothing wrong with it.. but what you did was very wrong.. it was down right abusive.. in many ways.. in many of the things you did.. and ive only ever mentioned a few.. we are proud and thankful we made sure that we did not follow in your abusive steps and ways.. nor will we ever.. we stand proudly against all abuse and will carry no more secrets.. for you or anyone else.. thank you for teaching us how to be aware of people.. we are sure it will come in handy when we are around others we do not know.. thank you for teaching us about judging.. we are glad we do not judge others as you have done us.. thank you for all your criticism you have given us.. it only helps show us that we are not as bad as everything you've told us we are in our past.. and thank you for everything else you've done.. you showed us that life can be hard when you have parents like you.. but when the right decisions are made to break off the ties that it can be much better.. only because of you dear mother..

Dreaming2Fly System

With Him.... There is Hope

With Him.... There is Hope

There's a place beyond I’ve ever known
That’s filled with peace of mind
A place where all my fears can go
And have no need to hide
My heart how light
And sorrow none
Just to sit in His peaceful sight
And know that in His willing time all things will be done
But patience was never easy for me
As He knows that very well
To close my eyes and just believe
To have faith and everything else
He understands my heart of hurt
As I am learning His
He gently takes me by the hand
And leads me down the way
Not really much concern
As to what I should or shouldn’t say
So, I sit here now
Side to side by Him
I know that safety and all trust
Relies and dwells with Him
To give my heart fully
And just believe it’s done
To turn my eyes to Him
And wait for Him to come
To Believe, have Faith and Trust…

© Copyright by Megan w/ Dreaming2Flys System

5 Reasons Why I Love Jesus

keepers has tagged us on "5 Reasons Why I Love Jesus." so now it is our turn to share about 5 reasons why we love Jesus.. which we woud love to do..

1. Jesus loves unconditinally.. we have never been able to find that in anyone, anything or anywhere.. but we have tried.. we have searched.. and never had any luck.. Jesus has been the only one who has been able to do that.. we know others may try but they are only human and things happen in life that can not be helped.. we love our Jesus for this and thank Him for all the love He gives to us each and every day of our lives..

2. Jesus is forgiving.. we are grateful Jesus does not focus on our faults and that we have such a loving and forgivng Lord.. that when we make mistakes we can ask for forgiveness and know we are forgiven for them..

3. Call on His Name.. when in times of trouble it eases my heart to know that all i have to do is call on His name and there He will be.. that He is there to guide us and comfort us in every way.. when in prayer where 2 or more are gathered that He is there with them.. He knows all needs.. He knows all cares.. but He loves it when you call on Him and spend time just talking to him..

4. Never Alone.. even at times when we are at our lowest and feel no one cares.. He cares.. when we feel like we are all alone in our sadness and no one in the whole world could possibly understand how we feel.. He does.. Hes experienced every emotion theres ever been.. Hes been through every possible thing anyone could of ever gone through.. He does understand.. thats why when your at your lowest point just talking to Him will help.. He hears you.. and Hes listening, cares and loves you..

my # 5 is special to me.. its because of a promise he makes to us..
5. Promises us forever in Heaven.. if we believe in Him and trust in Him he promises us forever with Him in Heaven.. to walk down the streets of gold.. to live with Him forever.. in peace and happiness.. no more sorrows.. joy will be in our hearts forever.. these are what we long for.. this is what i search for and one day long to have with Him.. sitting by Him.. in peace..

K

A Day to Celebrate!!

today has been quite an exciting day for us cause today is our inner system's Celebration Day/Birthday.. for several years now our inner system has chosen to celebrate their day on another day besides the birth of the body.. many in our system wouldnt even celebrate on the bodies birthday because it brought back too many memories that were painful for them.. so around 6 years ago we decided to let our inner ones decided on a day that would be special for just them.. a day they could celebrate being who they are and a day that there would be no pain attached to cause of ones past.. Six years ago this was the day they picked..

we also celebrate how much they have grown and changed over the years.. reminding them how special each of them are and how loved and appreciate they are.. since doing this we have seen ones within begin to be able to open up and blossom.. ones who never smiled would be seen with a smirk or half smile on their face while listening to jokes or being praised for something they accomplished.. ones who hid all the time now venture out of the corners within and peek out.. sometimes saying whats on their mind and heart..

it has taken a long time for ones with our inner system to see theres no fear in your age or not knowing your age or with some in our system, not even knowing their names.. we have surrounded them with love and comfort whether or not they have a name, an age or any of those little things.. some though have ages and over the last 6 years have aged in them.. as they were ready to grow a year older and felt safe an comfortable enough to want to do that.. this is such progress for them.. to see they are becoming healthier and stronger.. making better decisions and thinking responsibly for choices they do make..

they spent the day with our care provider and our t enjoying their special day.. eating cake and opening presents.. when nap time came around the body was tired enough to sleep for a couple of hours cause we were so worn out.. the day is not over yet though.. they got 5 new movies from our t and im sure they will want to watch 1 of them before bedtime..

id like to say to all our inners ones.. to the Bigs & Kids in our system.. Happy Celebration Day and Birthday! this is YOUR day to CELEBRATE!

Love you to the moon, stars and back again!

K

Skill Use Put to Work

we have been in the hospital for the last 10 days.. it was the last place i would of thought that i would be having to use my DBT skills, but it was where i think we were using them the most this time.. matter of fact it started not even 2 hours after we arrived there on the unit that we were tested to a point with a staff member that we had to face our DBT skills quickly to figure out how to handle it.. heres what happened..

a phone call came in on one of the patient lines that we were sitting by.. it was for someone on the unit.. of course we didnt know anyone cause we had just arrived there that morning.. so we went up to the nurses station to let them know the person had a call (like we had always known to do at that hospital as well as what all the other patients are told to do).. that way they could page the person to the phone.. the secretary lady gave a nasty look to us and said in a harsh tone, "When a person gets a call, your suppose to get up and go look/find the person." we were stunned and stood there shocked by this womans comment and attitude toward us.. here we are.. just arriving that morning.. not knowing anyone or who anyone is.. who can we find someone we dont know.. i think we stood there just amazed.. frustration soon just filled us.. and we left and went to our room.. we sat in our room thinking.. knowing we would have to handle this and not just let it go..

we know our DBT skills.. we know pretty much how to use them.. and when to.. after we calmed down we went back out to the nurses station to confront the woman.. we knew she had no right speaking to us that way.. so we approached the office and knocked.. she answered the door.. there was a nurses aid in the office also.. we felt better about that so at least she could be a witness that we were saying nothing rude to her..

we told her.. "it hurt our feelings when you said that.. we dont know anybody or any of the patients in here.. we just got here today." She replied sharply, "oh well im sorry i hurt your feelings!" and rolled her eyes.. we just continued with what we were saying.. "we all come in places like this because we have problems, we dont need more added to them.." (we started to choke back tears) "give us a few days to learn peoples names in here ok?" this time the woman backed up some.. and in a much softer tone she said, "ok and im sorry."

before learning these skills of proper communication we would have either flown off the wall at her or just held our silence and been completely passive and walked away with our heads buried down.. walking around in pain never approaching anyone on their actions and/or behaviors.. but we have gotten a little stronger and can some now..

just because someone may have a higher status than you, or better job, or earn more money, or seem to be more knowledgable or have better skills than you it does not matter.. everyone can be confronted on their actions and behaviors when they are rude or innapropriate.. everyone also makes mistakes.. whether or not the listen is up to them, but for us we will not stop figuring out better ways to use our skills in all areas of our lives.. it wont all take place overnight though.. its a process and one to work at every single day.. sometimes - even hour to hour - or minute to minute.. but it does get easier in time..

Peace, Love & Harmony to all..

K