we know its been quite some time since we've be able to write.. so much has been happening for us.. online and offline.. its really been too much for us to handle.. way to much.. and we've spiraled down once more again.. if we didnt allow things online to whack us down as much and effect us like it does we might could stand our ground a little better for the things offline.. but to have the blows coming at us offline and online at the same time........ it makes us crash every time.. somehow for our sake we have to learn to handle them differently and much better.. cause if we dont we are either going to end up in the hospital ever time or end up self injuring ever time or end up trying to OD ever time or.... even worse.... that the attempt of the OD finally would take us out completely.. when we are hurt so bad by people either online or offline.. it digs so deep into us and takes us back to the days when we were hurt from our abusers.. it pulls up those nasty horrible feelings of what they did.. the flashes and memories.. and there we are.. feeling it all over again.. 10x harder..
we going to talk about something that we think we need to talk about.. maybe it will help get it off our mind and chest.. dont really know.. i first opened a forum in 1998.. i ran it from 1998 - 2000.. i closed that forum down due to lack of members.. there was only 2 of us.. i opened a second forum in 2001 - 2005.. then closed that one when mama passed away in September.. she was my co-host at that forum.. i felt lost without her there and needed time to grief over her.. i finally felt strong enough to try it again in August of 2006.. i opened another forum.. which im not going to mention the name of it and i would appreciate it if the name stayed unmentioned.. anyway.. in all the forums that i owned and ran the whole time.. never once did anyone have a problem with the Rules & Guidelines that i had set up for the forums.. they were there to keep all the members safe.. of course including myself and my system.. things had always worked out just fine.. never had any complaints and everyone always abide by the rules.. and respected each other and staff.. ....well.. till this last forum i set up.. you see.. in the Rules ive always put up i had it always set to where you had to use spoilers to help protect ones who were survivors of SRA and abuse.. ones who were easily triggered by words such as blo*d and c*lt and p*nis and so on.. words that easily make us want to vomit and send us into flashbacks as well as other SRA survivors and im sure other survivors of abuse.. thats why we had the rules of spoilers to be used in our old forum..
there were some members who didnt like it.. who found it down right unnecessary to use them and even said that using them triggered them to use them.. this we could not understand.. our system became very unsettled.. we wanted to make everyone happy at our site.. and be the ones to always keep the peace.. we are the type to want to always please people.. but not using spoilers? this actually scared us.. we knew the type of words we would be having to face seeing in front of our eyes on the boards.. and we knew it would cause many triggers for us.. this was not something we would be able to handle or feel safe with.. we all the sudden began feeling unsafe at our own site.. the talk amongst the members was still going on about not using the spoilers.. and we began drifting further and further away inside.. fear began to set in..
i, Kat, as the owner of the forum.. was too scared to speak up and say, NO.. the rules need to stay as they are! i was too afraid of not being liked or people getting mad at me for keeping the spoiler rule.. cause all i ever wanted was people to just be happy..
then i realized my teens were excluding themselves from the site.. because i was not speaking out about the rules.. then some of the littles.. they no longer felt safe there.. ...then.. some of the older ones.. and... i dont blame them.. i too.. no longer felt safe there either.. by the time it was all over.. one of my protectors and i were the only ones left there.. and we both excluded ourselves from the site as well..
we know it was wrong to just leave the site.. to totally leave the site with no admin.. but we all talked about it within.. and we talked to our t about it.. we did it for the safety for all of us.. to protect ourselves..
things happened after i, Kat, excluded myself.. i wasnt able to manage the board anymore.. cause it got locked.. but i was able to preview it.. i saw where members in there were fussing about who was going to take over my forum and run it.. never once did it cross their minds who was actually paying for that forum to sit there all that time.. or all that time they got to use it.. or... (i know all this has got to sound selfish) but even.. not comment about.. gosh.. wonder how kat n all is... or if they are ok?
and... it hurt..
now that no one can get into my old forum cause its locked and being closed down.. they've all gone back to the forum where they use to go.. and whats so sad and hurts me so deep.. is they are all talking about me and my old forum on that site they went back to.. nothing good either.. i have apologized over and over for how i left my old forum.. i do feel it was wrong.. but to go to another forum who knew nothing about anything and to talk about me and my old forum on it i just feel is not right at all.. i feel thats a huge dig at me.. and deeply hurts..
i have cried and cried about this.. i make mistakes.. everyone does.. but you always learn from those mistakes.. apologize for what you did.. and pick up and move on.. ive apologized to all of them.. i learned.. but im having the hardest time picking up and moving on.. knowing that im being torn apart at another place...
my old t use to tell me.. all that matters is that you tried your hardest..
and i did... i did try my hardest... but maybe.. just maybe.. it wasnt hard enough this time.. i just dont know...
this is the honest first time that i never want to come back to the Internet... the first time that i never want to see the outdoors again... that i dont even want to be around another person... and that everyone within had backed away and doesnt trust people online anymore.. as i said.. we learned..... now we just want to disappear......
k and everyone of us within
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