A Day to Celebrate!!

today has been quite an exciting day for us cause today is our inner system's Celebration Day/Birthday.. for several years now our inner system has chosen to celebrate their day on another day besides the birth of the body.. many in our system wouldnt even celebrate on the bodies birthday because it brought back too many memories that were painful for them.. so around 6 years ago we decided to let our inner ones decided on a day that would be special for just them.. a day they could celebrate being who they are and a day that there would be no pain attached to cause of ones past.. Six years ago this was the day they picked..

we also celebrate how much they have grown and changed over the years.. reminding them how special each of them are and how loved and appreciate they are.. since doing this we have seen ones within begin to be able to open up and blossom.. ones who never smiled would be seen with a smirk or half smile on their face while listening to jokes or being praised for something they accomplished.. ones who hid all the time now venture out of the corners within and peek out.. sometimes saying whats on their mind and heart..

it has taken a long time for ones with our inner system to see theres no fear in your age or not knowing your age or with some in our system, not even knowing their names.. we have surrounded them with love and comfort whether or not they have a name, an age or any of those little things.. some though have ages and over the last 6 years have aged in them.. as they were ready to grow a year older and felt safe an comfortable enough to want to do that.. this is such progress for them.. to see they are becoming healthier and stronger.. making better decisions and thinking responsibly for choices they do make..

they spent the day with our care provider and our t enjoying their special day.. eating cake and opening presents.. when nap time came around the body was tired enough to sleep for a couple of hours cause we were so worn out.. the day is not over yet though.. they got 5 new movies from our t and im sure they will want to watch 1 of them before bedtime..

id like to say to all our inners ones.. to the Bigs & Kids in our system.. Happy Celebration Day and Birthday! this is YOUR day to CELEBRATE!

Love you to the moon, stars and back again!

K

Skill Use Put to Work

we have been in the hospital for the last 10 days.. it was the last place i would of thought that i would be having to use my DBT skills, but it was where i think we were using them the most this time.. matter of fact it started not even 2 hours after we arrived there on the unit that we were tested to a point with a staff member that we had to face our DBT skills quickly to figure out how to handle it.. heres what happened..

a phone call came in on one of the patient lines that we were sitting by.. it was for someone on the unit.. of course we didnt know anyone cause we had just arrived there that morning.. so we went up to the nurses station to let them know the person had a call (like we had always known to do at that hospital as well as what all the other patients are told to do).. that way they could page the person to the phone.. the secretary lady gave a nasty look to us and said in a harsh tone, "When a person gets a call, your suppose to get up and go look/find the person." we were stunned and stood there shocked by this womans comment and attitude toward us.. here we are.. just arriving that morning.. not knowing anyone or who anyone is.. who can we find someone we dont know.. i think we stood there just amazed.. frustration soon just filled us.. and we left and went to our room.. we sat in our room thinking.. knowing we would have to handle this and not just let it go..

we know our DBT skills.. we know pretty much how to use them.. and when to.. after we calmed down we went back out to the nurses station to confront the woman.. we knew she had no right speaking to us that way.. so we approached the office and knocked.. she answered the door.. there was a nurses aid in the office also.. we felt better about that so at least she could be a witness that we were saying nothing rude to her..

we told her.. "it hurt our feelings when you said that.. we dont know anybody or any of the patients in here.. we just got here today." She replied sharply, "oh well im sorry i hurt your feelings!" and rolled her eyes.. we just continued with what we were saying.. "we all come in places like this because we have problems, we dont need more added to them.." (we started to choke back tears) "give us a few days to learn peoples names in here ok?" this time the woman backed up some.. and in a much softer tone she said, "ok and im sorry."

before learning these skills of proper communication we would have either flown off the wall at her or just held our silence and been completely passive and walked away with our heads buried down.. walking around in pain never approaching anyone on their actions and/or behaviors.. but we have gotten a little stronger and can some now..

just because someone may have a higher status than you, or better job, or earn more money, or seem to be more knowledgable or have better skills than you it does not matter.. everyone can be confronted on their actions and behaviors when they are rude or innapropriate.. everyone also makes mistakes.. whether or not the listen is up to them, but for us we will not stop figuring out better ways to use our skills in all areas of our lives.. it wont all take place overnight though.. its a process and one to work at every single day.. sometimes - even hour to hour - or minute to minute.. but it does get easier in time..

Peace, Love & Harmony to all..

K

What Will it Take?

today was such a horrible day.. i almost wish i had not woken up for it.. i got my first taste today of how it feels to be discriminated against.. its sad and it hurts very deeply.. because we live a life of multiplicity we are not able to be treated at some hospitals.. to me "we are not more less welcome there".. not even given the chance to see if they could of helped us or not.. they shut the doors on us before they were even willing to try.. this brought up so much stuff from our past.. feelings of rejection and feelings that we didnt matter to people.. words the mother use to say.. like "you will never amount to anything".. and more.. why is it so hard for people to open their eyes and open their minds and learn about DID/MPD rather than to gawk at us, make fun of us and not want to know.. wouldnt it be so much easier for them to want to learn and have knowledge how to handle situations and how to deal with people with different illness.. we are totally crushed by all of this.. shock first shot through us when we were told.. then overwhelming horror.. anger came flooding through on how society these days looks at people with mental illness and it just saddened me.. i couldnt help but break down and just sob..


in the past we were forced to live our life in shame.. then growing into our adulthood we were able to let go of some of that.. today.. we were slammed face down back into that shame once more.. it breaks my heart to feel ashamed that i live a life with mental illness that i have no control over.. but even more.. that people continually stomp on our hearts and wings that we so try to spread and grow to fly on our own.. we all just wonder.. what will it take to be accepted and loved like everyone else.. dont we count and matter too?

heartbroken,

K

From Under this Cloud

ive had to step back and take a break in writing.. it seemed as if my words were not even coming to me clearly enough to speak.. i have been hitting some rough spots lately and have been withdrawing more instead of reaching out.. i know from past experience that reaching out is whats going to help me get through this, but the old ways kick in and take over.. its hard to retrain myself to new ways when what ive done for so long is pull back.. though with the support of our t, care provider, case manager and few friends i am still hanging in there.. i havent fully seen any clearning amongst the clouds of confusion and sadness yet, but i am still here..

the very hard part for me to understand is where all this is coming from.. why am i falling and sinking so low into such a desparate depression.. why does the end of life feel so much more of a comfort to me.. somewhere deep within someone must know what is going on.. and what id like to be able to do is reach that one within and tell them how much they are loved and cared for even though they may feel they are worthless and not worth fighting for..

growing up were heard awful things.. repeated to us over and over.. these tapes still play in the back of our minds.. specially when triggered.. we hear things like "your not worth it", "your never amount to anything", "its all your fault", "no one cares about how you feel", "cant you do anything right?", "get out of my face, you make me sick" and so on.. when we hear the voices of the people that have hurt us say these things.. they bring up memories of the times they have been said.. what hapening when they were said.. we always can remember the picture of the persons face saying it.. and on some occasions we can remember how we felt after it was said.. not all occasions.. some of the feelings were blocked.. and some just experienced numbness..

i look forward to the day we can stop listening to the tapes that are playing within or that we build our own tapes we can listen to.. positive ones.. ones to help build us up and set us free.. and we will.. in due time.. one day we will be free.. from all this bondage and hurt that is buried deep within us.. and then.. boy oh boy will we soar high..

Peace, Love & Harmony,

K