From Under this Cloud

ive had to step back and take a break in writing.. it seemed as if my words were not even coming to me clearly enough to speak.. i have been hitting some rough spots lately and have been withdrawing more instead of reaching out.. i know from past experience that reaching out is whats going to help me get through this, but the old ways kick in and take over.. its hard to retrain myself to new ways when what ive done for so long is pull back.. though with the support of our t, care provider, case manager and few friends i am still hanging in there.. i havent fully seen any clearning amongst the clouds of confusion and sadness yet, but i am still here..

the very hard part for me to understand is where all this is coming from.. why am i falling and sinking so low into such a desparate depression.. why does the end of life feel so much more of a comfort to me.. somewhere deep within someone must know what is going on.. and what id like to be able to do is reach that one within and tell them how much they are loved and cared for even though they may feel they are worthless and not worth fighting for..

growing up were heard awful things.. repeated to us over and over.. these tapes still play in the back of our minds.. specially when triggered.. we hear things like "your not worth it", "your never amount to anything", "its all your fault", "no one cares about how you feel", "cant you do anything right?", "get out of my face, you make me sick" and so on.. when we hear the voices of the people that have hurt us say these things.. they bring up memories of the times they have been said.. what hapening when they were said.. we always can remember the picture of the persons face saying it.. and on some occasions we can remember how we felt after it was said.. not all occasions.. some of the feelings were blocked.. and some just experienced numbness..

i look forward to the day we can stop listening to the tapes that are playing within or that we build our own tapes we can listen to.. positive ones.. ones to help build us up and set us free.. and we will.. in due time.. one day we will be free.. from all this bondage and hurt that is buried deep within us.. and then.. boy oh boy will we soar high..

Peace, Love & Harmony,

K