not so great..

didnt have the best night last night.. and can tell this morning its going to need to be a weekend of trying to relax and get our thoughts back together..

we were invited to go to eat last night with a neighbor and his wife.. we agreed.. but wanting to really stay home.. anyway.. in the car they decided we were going to eat at golden coral..

immediately chatter started within.. but i was unable to grip what was going on and focus what was being said cause the lady we were with was talking so so loud in the front seat.. i was trying to answer her and listen to her repeat the same thing over and over (which she tends to do) plus hear what was going on inside.. but it just wasnt possible.. our lady neighbor talked non-stop the whole drive there.. loud! while her husband.. driving.. had music playing trying to drown out her voice.. it was chaos for us.. just too much.. and we werent even there yet..

well.. we get to the golden coral.. and every single parking place is filled in the restaurant.. and no joking.. people were lined back to back outside the place.. and the line was not moving.. my jaw dropped.. i was thinking... HOPING.. they would decide to just go somewhere else.. or even just go back home.. but no.. they circled.. and circled.. and again and again.. they were not giving up..

still all this chatter within.. getting louder and louder.. and the lady in the front getting louder cause im sure her tummy was REALLY talking to her now that she was "AT" this place of food.. i just kept trying to breathe.. deep breaths in and out.. trying hard so hard to stay present.. when i so bad just wanted to bolt and cry at the same time.. i dont know why..

her husband finally went over to the restaurant right next to it and parked in their parking lot.. and said.. "well.. are you ready for a walk?" i didnt say anything.. my thoughts were zooming though.. we were STILL going to eat at that other place.. even though it was packed full.. and people were flowing out the door and in a stand still.. i seriously wanted to throw up.. i felt so so sick..

when we got out of the car i was finally able to hear what was going on within.. and it wasnt good.. ones were angry.. scared.. screaming.. crying.. having mem's and flashback hit.. all surrounding the amount of people at this place.. and "the name" of the place.. the name had triggered memories and flashbacks..

there are some within who have memories of the step-father and members of the c*lt participating in some kind of cruel activity called "Golden Showers" as the kids and children within call it.. the kids and children are terrified talking about it.. and when the subject is approached they get sick.. feel embarassed.. try to hide themselves.. and feel very ashamed..

im catching on now why there are some of them that have bathroom issues.. why some have a very hard time using the bathroom if someone can hear them.. and in public bathrooms.. gosh even here at home and we have someone over they will try and hold it and hold it till the person leaves.. ive noticed they even have a hard time hearing themselves go.. its so sad..

maybe thats why i, myself, have a hard time in bathrooms.. i dont know.. but back to what i was talking about.. the name of the restaurant.. Golden Coral.. the Golden part.. set the memories off.. then when we saw all the people.. oh my gosh.. all of our anxiety just blew so high..

i couldnt stop pacing.. and the children kept pulling on my clothes.. the smaller ones wanted to s*ck their their thumbs sooo bad and just sit on the floor..

lil one just wanted to put her thumb in her mouth.. rock hard.. she was crying so hard within.. screaming for our t to get her out of there.. to save her from "the people".. corner was begging me and begging me to get him away from "the people".. that there was too too many.. he even went up to a worker there and asked her where a phone was that he had to make a important phone call to his t..

i knew the best thing for us was to just get it all over with and go.. so we ate.. but the company we were with ate.. and ate.. and ate.. 3 plate loads.. we had no idea where they were putting it all.. but after we ate we went outside and walked around.. i smoked a cig while trying to calm everyone.. and found myself depersonalizing.. NOT GOOD TIMING I MAY SAY!

im not sure how long i was outside.. but when i "came back to" if thats what you want to call it.. i went back inside.. and my friends husband was just finishing up.. thank goodness..

we left and came home.. made one call to our friend.. our neighbor wanted to play one game of rhummy.. so jesse played her one game.. then after she left.. we finally let it all go and just fell apart..

next time we are asked to go out to eat with them.. we are saying what we really want to say and not giving in.. we would of been much safer at home..

so today.. we are taking it very slow.. and easy..

K

trying to catch up.. but ITS ALL GOOD!

feels like its been a while since we have gotten to catch up on things here in our blog.. so we are happy to be taking this time to do that.. but ITS ALL GOOD!

we do have a few things to share.. one is we had a "meeting" last friday with our case manager, t, and community support provider.. we were so scared and nervous about going to.. seems we are always a bit scared about these meetings.. you know.. something we seem to notice is when they are done and over with.. we come out of them feeling.. "well, that wasnt so bad or so hard.." and "we did it!" we still tend to wonder why it is we get so scared about them.. we feel the others in these meetings are so much more over us.. we picture as if they are leaning over us with their fingers pointing down at us.. and we are so tiny and afraid.. feeling as if we have done something wrong to be punished for.. but after the meeting is over.. we are able to stand up and see.. WE ARE OK.. WE DID NOTHING WRONG AT ALL.. and WE ARE SAFE.. whats so cool about this last "meeting" is that we are no longer going to call it a "meeting".. we realize that word is another reason that makes it scary for us.. so we have changed the name for it.. its like PCI.. something.. cant remember the rest.. but anyway.. it helps us feel better about it..

things have been going well in t sessions.. we are working hard and things are moving along.. accomplishing things we need to.. and when we need to take a step back we have been reassured that its ok to.. but so far things are going well.. which really helps us within and out.. small things come up now and then and we do our best to work on them and move on.. we are very grateful for our t and the time and effort she puts into helping us.. and also all the encouragement she gives us.. as well as our community support provider..

we would also like to share something WONDERFUL with everyone this week but also that is need lots of tiny prayers about.. its regarding our sweet little neice Hannah..

we are just going to post the updates on her.. starting with mondays - wednesdays updates.. and as it looks like my oldest sister will be needing some of those tiny little prayers also.. heres the updates..

Monday - May 26th - Update.. (this is shared from my sisters writings she keeps about little Hannah)

Hannah is doing well. She's still got congestion from what appears to be a cold, but is hanging in there. She had a good day today. Today was Joan's last official day. She is planning on being at the hospital with us tomorrow. She was in good spirits, eager for the outcome of the next few days.

Please keep us all in your prayers. This week will be exciting, uncertain and trying. We will arrive at the hospital tomorrow morning @ 8am, surgery is at 9am, then to ICU. I will update the everyone as soon as I can tomorrow.

Tuesday - May 27 - Update..

Hannah is in PICU recovering from surgery now. She had the granuloma removed. The doctor said it was taking up approximately 1/3 of her airway. He removed the granuloma by going through her trach site (stoma). He had to c-t open (extend) her stoma slightly to get in there and do what he needed to do. There is some bl--d coming out of her trach right now but that should slow down soon.

She is currently in daddy's arms rocking in a rocking chair while sleeping. We have capped her trach and she's breathing on her own. We'll let you know how she is doing.

Other news....mommy fell down the stairs this morning right before we left for the hospital. I am about to leave to get some xrays of my arm....I promise, I'm not trying to steal Hannah's glory.

May 28th - Update..

Well, Hannah did really well overnight. She woke up every hour or so..probably due to pain or discomfort from the incision. Otherwise, she was good. Then, first thing this morning, the doctor came in and took her trach tube out. He did it in the room (I wasn't here, but Tim was) and it was rather anti-climactic! Anyway, she's been without it since 7am and seems to be doing fine. Her stoma (trach site) is covered with gauze and tape. The hole will close on it's own within a few days.

We have to stay here in ICU so the doctors and nurses can monitor her around the clock to make sure she's breathing ok. The doctor is looking for two things: her effort level to breath (retracting or pulling) and her ability to manage her secretions (cough up mucus on her own to clear her airway). So, hopefully just another 24 hours here and then we're released to go home with a healthy, trach-free toddler!

I couldn't imagine today.....I have no idea what tomorrow will be like or the next. But man...I am just excited! One day at a time....give us this day our daily bread. Thank you Jesus!

Oh, and one more thing...no broken bones. Just a sprained arm and finger. The little toe may be broken but he doesn't know for sure. He said if it heals in two weeks it's a sprain...if it heals in four weeks it's a break : ) gotta love doctors. Me? I'm walking funny and have a few bruises, but am doing fine.

we want to ask anyone who is willing to please whisper a few little tiny prayers for them.. we know the whole family right now could use them.. we miss our sister and her family an awful lot right now.. and to hear our sister fell.. yikes.. thought we were the clutz in the family!

we will be sending an email off to them tonight or tomorrow to let them know we are keep them in our thoughts and prayers and that we are asking others to say a few tiny prayers for them as well..

when our sister said..

"I couldn't imagine today.....I have no idea what tomorrow will be like or the next. But man...I am just excited! One day at a time....give us this day our daily bread. Thank you Jesus!"

we couldnt of put that any better at all.. its so true.. none of us have no idea what tomorrow may bring for us.. we have no idea what the day will be like when we wake up each day.. if we can learn to cherish each moment.. each day.. oh what a life we can lead.. and be grateful for.. and others will see that shining through you and want it for themselves..

isnt it great how much we learn from others when we are willing to learn.. willing to listen.. willing to open our hearts up and receive..

well.. thank you all for reading today.. please take care.. and know our thoughts are with each of you out there..

Ooops was about to close when we read update for our little hannah today that our sister wrote!!! here it is!!

Hannah is home and trach free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Yippee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Yahoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Yowee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Praise God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

umm....can you tell I'm a tad bit excited?

oh thank you JESUS for answered prayers!!!!!! time for us to get off here an go some rejoying and HAPPY DANCING!!!!

Dreaming2Fly System is dreaming to soar HIGH today

aint feelin nothin

like know im suppose to be feelin somethin with our CSP worker leavin an this new one comin in. aint nothin there in me tho. juz like sorda nothin. i look out when they roun us an feel nothin bout them or them comin or goin. like maybe it really dont matter to me or they dont. eh dont know. am not sure i really care bout it. or if i should. peeps are peeps. they have their own lives that dont include us. like why should it matter to me what they do? they do it to benefit their lives not any of us? we are juz like the bushes on the side of the road that peeps drive past on their way to somewhere else in life. some peeps stop temporarily but all of them like all ways leave an move on. no one would EVER take a stupid BUSH with them. like who would? they are useless. an forever annoyin! besides like nothin ever remains in anyones life forever. ya know - i really dont think i like that word anyhow. FOREVER SUX!

jesse