not so great..

didnt have the best night last night.. and can tell this morning its going to need to be a weekend of trying to relax and get our thoughts back together..

we were invited to go to eat last night with a neighbor and his wife.. we agreed.. but wanting to really stay home.. anyway.. in the car they decided we were going to eat at golden coral..

immediately chatter started within.. but i was unable to grip what was going on and focus what was being said cause the lady we were with was talking so so loud in the front seat.. i was trying to answer her and listen to her repeat the same thing over and over (which she tends to do) plus hear what was going on inside.. but it just wasnt possible.. our lady neighbor talked non-stop the whole drive there.. loud! while her husband.. driving.. had music playing trying to drown out her voice.. it was chaos for us.. just too much.. and we werent even there yet..

well.. we get to the golden coral.. and every single parking place is filled in the restaurant.. and no joking.. people were lined back to back outside the place.. and the line was not moving.. my jaw dropped.. i was thinking... HOPING.. they would decide to just go somewhere else.. or even just go back home.. but no.. they circled.. and circled.. and again and again.. they were not giving up..

still all this chatter within.. getting louder and louder.. and the lady in the front getting louder cause im sure her tummy was REALLY talking to her now that she was "AT" this place of food.. i just kept trying to breathe.. deep breaths in and out.. trying hard so hard to stay present.. when i so bad just wanted to bolt and cry at the same time.. i dont know why..

her husband finally went over to the restaurant right next to it and parked in their parking lot.. and said.. "well.. are you ready for a walk?" i didnt say anything.. my thoughts were zooming though.. we were STILL going to eat at that other place.. even though it was packed full.. and people were flowing out the door and in a stand still.. i seriously wanted to throw up.. i felt so so sick..

when we got out of the car i was finally able to hear what was going on within.. and it wasnt good.. ones were angry.. scared.. screaming.. crying.. having mem's and flashback hit.. all surrounding the amount of people at this place.. and "the name" of the place.. the name had triggered memories and flashbacks..

there are some within who have memories of the step-father and members of the c*lt participating in some kind of cruel activity called "Golden Showers" as the kids and children within call it.. the kids and children are terrified talking about it.. and when the subject is approached they get sick.. feel embarassed.. try to hide themselves.. and feel very ashamed..

im catching on now why there are some of them that have bathroom issues.. why some have a very hard time using the bathroom if someone can hear them.. and in public bathrooms.. gosh even here at home and we have someone over they will try and hold it and hold it till the person leaves.. ive noticed they even have a hard time hearing themselves go.. its so sad..

maybe thats why i, myself, have a hard time in bathrooms.. i dont know.. but back to what i was talking about.. the name of the restaurant.. Golden Coral.. the Golden part.. set the memories off.. then when we saw all the people.. oh my gosh.. all of our anxiety just blew so high..

i couldnt stop pacing.. and the children kept pulling on my clothes.. the smaller ones wanted to s*ck their their thumbs sooo bad and just sit on the floor..

lil one just wanted to put her thumb in her mouth.. rock hard.. she was crying so hard within.. screaming for our t to get her out of there.. to save her from "the people".. corner was begging me and begging me to get him away from "the people".. that there was too too many.. he even went up to a worker there and asked her where a phone was that he had to make a important phone call to his t..

i knew the best thing for us was to just get it all over with and go.. so we ate.. but the company we were with ate.. and ate.. and ate.. 3 plate loads.. we had no idea where they were putting it all.. but after we ate we went outside and walked around.. i smoked a cig while trying to calm everyone.. and found myself depersonalizing.. NOT GOOD TIMING I MAY SAY!

im not sure how long i was outside.. but when i "came back to" if thats what you want to call it.. i went back inside.. and my friends husband was just finishing up.. thank goodness..

we left and came home.. made one call to our friend.. our neighbor wanted to play one game of rhummy.. so jesse played her one game.. then after she left.. we finally let it all go and just fell apart..

next time we are asked to go out to eat with them.. we are saying what we really want to say and not giving in.. we would of been much safer at home..

so today.. we are taking it very slow.. and easy..

K