Update on our Niece

we want to thank everyone who has been saying some of those Tiny Little Prayers out there.. we wish to ask you to please.. continue them..

we got updates on our little niece, Hannah..

we didnt get a chance yesterday to mention in our writings about the hole in little Hannah's heart.. that is the reason she sees a cardiologist.. so yesterdays visit was to find out if the hole was closing at all or what condition it was in..

what they found out was the hole has increased in size and the cardiologist was concerned about the placement of the hole.. since it is large and near the top of the chamber.. that means the hole cannot be fixed with a catheter.. it will have to be patched through open heart surgery..

he told our sister possibilities that would not impact Hannah still getting her trach removed.. one is have surgery in the next few weeks or watch and wait until after her trach is removed.. he recommended moving forward with the surgery as soon as possible.. it would be a 3-4 day stay in the hospital as long as nothing else happened.. and everything went good..

the cardiologist is convinced that after recovery Hannah will be bouncing around the room.. will no longer be winded.. tired after physical therapy.. oxygen levels will be positively affected.. in fact it just may fix that whole issue all together..

our sister will be given more information early next week after he meets with other surgeons and cardiologist on Friday..

we know how hard this is going to be for our sister having her youngest going back in the hospital once again.. we cant help but cry for and with her.. our heart just breaks for the entire family..

once again.. we are asking.. please.. will you put this whole family in those "Tiny Little Prayers" ..

.... thank you...


All of Us with Dreaming2Fly System

"Tiny Little Prayers"

today we would like to share about "Tiny Little Prayers"..

Tiny Little Prayers are something very special to us.. its something we've only done with people whom we could really trust and believe that they would listen to what we were saying and asking in these Tiny Little Prayers.. and follow through..

whenever hard times hit for someone we really care for, or for us. Or if someone we know may be ill, hurting, in danger, or possibly in danger of hurting themselves or someone else.. or some situation that is going to take more than just one voice or hand raised above to the Lord to heal or bring an answer to whatever may be happening.. thats when we turn first to the Lord, then we turn to our closest friends and ask them to say a Tiny Little Prayer.. and we share with them whats going on..

well.. tonight.. we would like to turn to all of you out there who are willing to say a few Tiny Little Prayers for some very special people in our lives..

first we would like to share with yall we run a survivors of abuse forum.. we need to ask for a few Tiny Little Prayers for some of our members in the forum.. two of our members are fighting cancer, while at the same time trying their hardest to deal with their daily lives, their family, their relatives (whom some are toxic) and their own personal emotions and feelings their having to go through because of the cancer itself..

also.. several of our members have been extremely down, been going through meds changes, sometimes off meds, desperately wanting to end their life and not finding any answers or solutions to anything anymore for them.. for them they feel like doctors are not helping or understanding, t's are not helping, listening or understanding, and they see no light at the end of the tunnel.. their have been some that self-harm just to try to escape from the feelings or even numbness they may have.. so im asking.. please.. will you.. if you dont mind.. saying a few Tiny Little Prayers for them also..

now.. this is regarding someone very, very dear to us.. this is our very own little niece we ask this Tiny Little Prayer for.. please..

we have never got to meet our niece cause we live quite a ways from her.. but we keep in touch with our sister when we can plus we are always reading up on Little Hannah's Blog that our sister started not too long after Hannah was put in the hospital when Hannah's problems began for her.. this was Feb. 19th, 2007..

Hannah would have times where she would stop breathing.. her oxygen levels would go from high 90's/100 to the 40's/50's/60's..

at that time they ran a whole lot of test on her.. didnt get much answers.. they put a trach in her and put her on a ventilator..

over time they also noticed that Hannah's head was growing at a much faster rate than her body.. they never could figure it out..

Hannah got released from the hospital in April of 2007.. she celebrated her first birthday at home with many ups and downs in between.. my sister was so worn.. we felt her pain for her child.. all we could do was cry reading their blog..

moving up to speed.. Hannah's head is finally catching up to her body.. thats the good news.. and the plan is that Hannah gets her trach removed in April!!

the not so good news.. Hannah's oxygen levels have been very low when she sleeps.. my sister and her husband have been trying to get some information trach clinic, doctors, hospitals and others.. Hannah should of never left the hospital back in April.. the doctors then knew Hannah's SAT (oxygen saturation) levels were not accurate.. so all this time.. Little Hannah has been losing oxygen while she sleeps..
Hannah ran a low grade fever today and has had more secretions.. not sure whats going on with her yet.. still waiting for updates.. she had an appt with the cardiologist today too..

sorry this was so long.. but.. please.. could you say (lots) of Tiny Little Prayers for our niece and their family..


Love, Peace & Harmony,

K n all

Things Looking Up Some

its late for us.. an we are tired.. but we wanted to write before we headed off to bed.. we had another session with our t yesterday (friday).. we believe it went well.. we were nervous and actually scared to go into session.. so many things were running through our minds.. and so many within running in opposite directions within closing doors.. afraid they would be called upon..

throughout the session several of them within would crack their doors open to listen but wouldnt come out.. our sweetest lil one though hasnt actually been out of her room in quite some time.. not even here at the house.. she got a new Adora doll here for her to play with but she wont come out and play with her.. she cries off and on in her room within the body.. and we all know why shes sad like this.. but there is nothing we can do to help her feel better.. her heart has been severely broken someone she really cared for and loved more than anything.. all we can do is just wait and see if she comes out of this.. we've tried all we can for her.. our t meantion today about trying to do some work with her.. helping her so she wont be so scared when we go to the dentist.. we are just wondering how that is going to go over or even happen if lil one wont even come out for us or talk to us.. we have this dreaded feeling shes not going to respond to our t either.. but...... just for the sake of trying to think positive here.. lets hope she does respond to her..

i, Kat, also took a big step in talking to my neighbor last night about all the remarks shes been making about my weight.. i talk to her about the comments shes been saying.. i expressed it hurts when those comments are said to me and about me.. and i asked her to please not make any type of comments like those anymore.. and then i told her why.. where i had heard those types of comments from before.. and how much it brought back such painful memories to me.. i tried to hold back my tears.. but it didnt work.. at first she seemed angry.. and she responded with "i ought to just shut my mouth from now on".. i sat silently.. i let her sit there and really think about what i was saying.. that i wasnt speaking it harshly to her.. that i was saying it hurt.. but in no way was i saying i didnt love her still.. after about 30 minutes.. she had tears in her eyes.. she looked at me she said "im sorry.. i wont say it anymore.. i didnt mean it.." i said i know you didnt.. sometimes its hard to really think about the words we choose to speak before we say them huh?.. i told her it was going to be ok.. again she reassured me she was sorry.. then everything was ok..

i couldnt believe i stood up for myself.. that i actually confronted her finally.. after all these months.. and all these tears id cry over the comments she say about my weight.. i feel bad enough about my weight.. but.. its over.. now the mothers nasty comments hopefully will stop ringing in my head about them too..

well.. we really need to turn in for the night.. to all out there take care..

Peace, Love & Harmony..

K n all

Words

"Words"

How easily they are spoken at times
just falling from our lips
Not really thinking of what we're saying
and how those words can stick

Years and years after
those words come near
As to who said what all those years
listening hard, you remember, it all seems so clear

All different kinds of people
toss words all about
Not thinking of how many they hurt
seemed all they cared for was to be heard 'n get their words out

Sometimes when people speak their soft spoken words
the ones that melt your heart
The ones that help you feel loved and wanted
ones that would never keep you apart

That’s when it’s the hardest time
for one to wake up and see
For one to just take a moment
that just maybe they might believe

Words can be hard to speak
or even hard to find
I'm sure many of you can understand
even might find it easier to just hold up a sign

The hardest words for me to say
is simply, "I Love You"
Because when it was said to me
if was often followed by abuse

So please take notes on this today
please be careful on the way you say your words
When the words, "I Love You", are chosen from you
say it with compassion in your heart so they are truly believed

© Copyright by Kat C

Written on July 22nd, 2004

Love From an Angry Heart

"Love From an Angry Heart"

She could not show
What she could not feel
And oh how I craved
Her love SO bad

But I soon had to learn
There was no love to give
No love,
Had filled her heart

Her hands full of anger
Her voice full of rage
Her skin tone deep red
Spit filled the words she would say

I begged
I pleaded
With this "God" above
To find this "Mommy"
Some much needed Love

The beatings
The blows
The names I was called
It was the best of her love
She could show me, somehow

Her heart
Full of anger
Her heart
Full of rage

It’s the best
She could do
Is what
She would say

I love you, Mommy
I'd say with my eyes swollen shut
No kiss goodnight again
She must still be mad

Love From an Angry Heart
Is a scary thing
I do hope one day
Maybe, She can forgive me


© Copyright by Kat C. w/ help from Amy D.
February 25, 2004

No One

"No One"

No one sees the hurt we feel
No one hears the pain
No one knows how much we struggle
Just to make it from day to day

No one sees us cut ourselves
No one knows how much we bleed
No one hears our cries of sorrow
Or knows how much love we need

No one sees the scars we carry
From ones that hurt us so
No one knows how far we've gone
To not let the pain all show

All they see
Is one face
And a smile
From time to time

No one can see
Our Inner world
The darkness, The lost,
The dying


© Copyright by Kat C.
November 18, 2003

So Unsure

been a little bit since ive been able to write in here.. and ive really needed to.. need to get some of these feelings and thoughts out in front of me.. its doing me no good keeping them in..

some of our last sessions have been kind of rough ones.. either ones within having flashbacks or me not able to get my words out like i want to.. complete confusion filling up within me.. t says im going back and forth with the all or nothing - black or white thinking.. and depending too much on others.. so ive done what i thought was right.. by changing things to where i hardly will be depending on anyone at all..

we will be still having to figure out ways how we can manage how to do certain things but thats for us to figure out.. not anyone elses responsibility.. i do feel im back to walking this road alone.. but maybe thats just my thinking and feelings.. maybe its because ive started closing the doors on people in our lives.. preparing us..

i know one thing thats been extremely hurtful to me for several months now.. but ive kept it to myself.. trying to fight it alone cause of how ashamed i am of what this person is saying to me.. but my neighbor tells me how much weight ive gained and how big i am.. and boy am i looking big.. i hear the mothers voice echo in me when she does this.. the embarrassment and shame just overloads me.. i cry when im by myself.. i gotten to where i hate eating.. but know i have to cause i shake real bad and start to pass out if i dont.. i have a low bl**d pressure alot of the time.. and not eating makes it worse.. but the comments makes me continuously want to starve myself again like we did in the past.. i wish so bad i was 86 pds like we were back then.. but still able to function..

sessions with my t and i havent been the best either.. i feel so bad.. i deeply wish i could just do it all right so i could make her happy and pleased with what and how i do.. but i seem to keep frustrating her more and more.. and causing her to be more and more irritated with me.. it scares me.. i want to be *normal* and do things right.. not be unhealthy or do things in an unhealthy manner.. i so badly want our lives to be on the right path and be making progress.. i thought we were.. and now all the sudden because of a set back now we are "unhealthy" and irritating to others.. least it seems that way..

Lord Jesus.. we are trying our best.. and only you Lord knows that.. please open others hearts to see that..

we cant help it when we are triggered.. and/or dont know how to handle such situations that arise.. thats why we ask for help..

my tears just cant flow enough right now..

we just deeply want peace back in our sessions, peace back within, progress to be made in both places..

for us not to give up on the word "love".. to still believe it does exsist out there.. right now we just sit in silence with that word.. we dont know what to believe..

i, (K).. am scared to move anywhere around the word anymore.. im scared of being hit with falling words.. i beg of no more hurt.. im just fading away too fast from it all..



K

In the Middle

"In the Middle"

She sits
In the middle of an empty room
Listening to Nanci sing through the
Earphones of her walk-man

Helplessly glancing around at the bare walls
That seems so blindingly white

She watches as the sun sets in the evening
And wakes her squinting eyes in the morn’

Not sure whether she’s ever
Coming or going
Helping or hurting
Rising or falling

She sits
Surrounded by the last of her belongings
A suitcase full of worn out clothes
A backpack with books, paper and her all time favorite journal
A horror book
A pack of half smoked cigarettes
A purse too full to carry
And shoes that fit too small

Unexpectedly the loneliness hits
Weighing like eight pounds of sugar
On her heart

She can’t help to wonder
If she will ever piece back together
What all has been broken

At night
When she lays herself down to rest
She cries

In the morn’ when she wakes
Her eyes still puffy and red
Fill with tears once again

While during the day her heart aches
Remembering the fond memories
Of her loved ones and friends

Time passes and days move on
As the middle of the floor has grown warm
Where the heat of her body sits
Still unmoved on the floor, crying

Knowing in her heart changes need to of been made
But stubbornly didn’t want the change

So the warm spot
In the middle of the floor
Will soon turn cold
As she leaves this secure
White hidden room
Of a different color
Different wall hangings
And hopefully a different loneliness

A loneliness
That’s only the imagination
From far deep within herself

Too far to see
Too far to accept
An imagination too far to feel

For now though
All of this lies
In the middle of her floor

© Copyright by Martha w/ Dreaming2Fly System

The Girl Who Nobody Wanted

"The Girl Who Nobody Wanted"

Since the first breath she took
Her mother didn't even care to look
She became the girl who nobody wanted

She was made to sit in corners
Told nobody would want her
She became the girl who nobody wanted

Each year that would pass
She learned to wear her mask
And be the girl who nobody wanted

Turned down by all
She built her a wall
And was the girl who nobody wanted

Still to this day
Society's found a way
To make her the girl who nobody wanted

In the darkness she hides
Waiting for her life to subside
It’s the girl who nobody wanted

No mother beside her
No father to guide her
Still, the girl who nobody wanted

She lives her life unknown
Will probably die alone
It’s the girl who nobody wanted

In the silent tears she sheds
It will always be said
She is the girl who nobody wanted

The girl who nobody wanted...

© Copyright by Kat C.
January 17, 2004

"On the Inside Looking Out"

"On the Inside Looking Out"

I'm on the inside
looking out
Watching all the people
wonder about

I call out their names
and try to talk
But they just continue
to walk and walk

I tap on the glass
that I'm being kept in
Hoping someone will hear me
and want a new friend

Alone in my silence
I'm bound to live
No one around
with love to give

The tears that I shed
send me adrift
Floating around
in these tears of mist

When will the day come
that I'm set free
That I can have a voice
and just be me

No more living life
on the inside looking out
No more feeling sadness
and so full of doubt

© Copyright by K. C.
December 12, 2003

"The Step-Father"

"The Step-Father"

Outside the window,
you stood in the dark.
Spying and peeping,
that was just the start.

You'd watch us undress,
as we went to the shower.
You'd sneak in the bathroom,
like some freaking coward.

Till the day you were caught,
outside the window we'd seen.
You staring and spying,
and peeping at me.

In fear we screamed,
unsure who it was.
The mother said nothing,
she never does.

Every window we pass,
we pass with fear.
Afraid you're still watching,
and standing out there.

We never got to tell you,
how you made us feel.
Being undressed with your eyes,
our innocence you'd steal.

Our body was private,
"that"- you did not respect.
We hate you dear father,
your name we detest.

© Copyright by Dreaming2Fly System
Oct. 26th, 2003

Facing the Painful Truth

this week has been a diffic*lt week on us.. between one with whom ive had a hard time dealing with inside.. katlyns 11th bday and us not getting to be with her for it and wondering all about it.. sending off her gift.. joshuas little gift for him and thinking of him.. memories of the past hitting us about the kids, susan, mary, the birth family, and memories from this one im not getting along with inside.. and of all days today (feb 1st) being the step-fathers bday (one of our main abusers)..

on the day of katlyns bday all i could do was cry all day or sleep to try to avoid crying.. i felt so alone.. my friends Keepers called during the day to be there to support me.. then later that night my t called.. it helped to release all the tears and sadness out to her.. the pain was still there.. im sure it will always still be there.. but it helped to talk to her and to hear her voice on the other end..

im tired of people telling me one day i will get my children back.. i dont want to hear it anymore from anyone! not one single person knows what the future holds.. only God Himself.. thats it.. im sick of people trying to predict the future to me just to try to keep my hopes up about my kids.. all i know is i can only live day by day.. and what happens right this moment.. and what happens the next few moments.. then the next few moments.. not the next hour.. or next day.. or next year.. or 5 years.. or when my daughter or son is 18 or 20.. i could be gone by then.. or i could maybe still be here.. like i said ONLY GOD KNOWS..

but i can no longer live my life or even think that long ahead in the future like that anymore nor do i want to hear those type of plans or thoughts from anyone in my life.. i want to hear "reality".. i want to SEE REALITY.. nothing fake anymore.. nothing false.. and i dont care what kind of backlashes i get for stating how i feel cause im talking from my heart.. and saying how i honestly feel.. if it cant be respected.. then i guess thats how it "just is"..

but im tired of patting my pain and then saying to it "one day this and one day that".. no more.. my pain is real.. just as my grief is.. and unless you have been through EXACTLLY WHAT I HAVE.. you WILL NOT understand it.. AT ALL.. unless you have LOST YOUR CHILDREN THROUGH ADOPTION and the way i did.. you will not understand.. but supporting me does help.. maybe one day i will repost my story of the adoption.. and actually be able to finish it.. i hope so.. right now.. i "FEEL" its a road i walk alone.. until im able to find another birthmom who has been down the same road as i have.. i will just keep surviving the best i can and being the best person i can be for others by offering my knowledge and understanding on things i have been through myself.. giving the support, caring, and love to those i care dearly for.. and continue to reach out to other who are hurting, grieving, lost, who have a mental illness, who are disabled, who feel alone, who are/were abused in anyway, survivors, multiple systems, people who are depressed, i mean the list just could go on and on.. i plan on continuing my search for all of you.. to let you know.. you ARE LOVED and you DONT HAVE to go through the hurt alone..

K n all