Facing the Painful Truth

this week has been a diffic*lt week on us.. between one with whom ive had a hard time dealing with inside.. katlyns 11th bday and us not getting to be with her for it and wondering all about it.. sending off her gift.. joshuas little gift for him and thinking of him.. memories of the past hitting us about the kids, susan, mary, the birth family, and memories from this one im not getting along with inside.. and of all days today (feb 1st) being the step-fathers bday (one of our main abusers)..

on the day of katlyns bday all i could do was cry all day or sleep to try to avoid crying.. i felt so alone.. my friends Keepers called during the day to be there to support me.. then later that night my t called.. it helped to release all the tears and sadness out to her.. the pain was still there.. im sure it will always still be there.. but it helped to talk to her and to hear her voice on the other end..

im tired of people telling me one day i will get my children back.. i dont want to hear it anymore from anyone! not one single person knows what the future holds.. only God Himself.. thats it.. im sick of people trying to predict the future to me just to try to keep my hopes up about my kids.. all i know is i can only live day by day.. and what happens right this moment.. and what happens the next few moments.. then the next few moments.. not the next hour.. or next day.. or next year.. or 5 years.. or when my daughter or son is 18 or 20.. i could be gone by then.. or i could maybe still be here.. like i said ONLY GOD KNOWS..

but i can no longer live my life or even think that long ahead in the future like that anymore nor do i want to hear those type of plans or thoughts from anyone in my life.. i want to hear "reality".. i want to SEE REALITY.. nothing fake anymore.. nothing false.. and i dont care what kind of backlashes i get for stating how i feel cause im talking from my heart.. and saying how i honestly feel.. if it cant be respected.. then i guess thats how it "just is"..

but im tired of patting my pain and then saying to it "one day this and one day that".. no more.. my pain is real.. just as my grief is.. and unless you have been through EXACTLLY WHAT I HAVE.. you WILL NOT understand it.. AT ALL.. unless you have LOST YOUR CHILDREN THROUGH ADOPTION and the way i did.. you will not understand.. but supporting me does help.. maybe one day i will repost my story of the adoption.. and actually be able to finish it.. i hope so.. right now.. i "FEEL" its a road i walk alone.. until im able to find another birthmom who has been down the same road as i have.. i will just keep surviving the best i can and being the best person i can be for others by offering my knowledge and understanding on things i have been through myself.. giving the support, caring, and love to those i care dearly for.. and continue to reach out to other who are hurting, grieving, lost, who have a mental illness, who are disabled, who feel alone, who are/were abused in anyway, survivors, multiple systems, people who are depressed, i mean the list just could go on and on.. i plan on continuing my search for all of you.. to let you know.. you ARE LOVED and you DONT HAVE to go through the hurt alone..

K n all