So Unsure

been a little bit since ive been able to write in here.. and ive really needed to.. need to get some of these feelings and thoughts out in front of me.. its doing me no good keeping them in..

some of our last sessions have been kind of rough ones.. either ones within having flashbacks or me not able to get my words out like i want to.. complete confusion filling up within me.. t says im going back and forth with the all or nothing - black or white thinking.. and depending too much on others.. so ive done what i thought was right.. by changing things to where i hardly will be depending on anyone at all..

we will be still having to figure out ways how we can manage how to do certain things but thats for us to figure out.. not anyone elses responsibility.. i do feel im back to walking this road alone.. but maybe thats just my thinking and feelings.. maybe its because ive started closing the doors on people in our lives.. preparing us..

i know one thing thats been extremely hurtful to me for several months now.. but ive kept it to myself.. trying to fight it alone cause of how ashamed i am of what this person is saying to me.. but my neighbor tells me how much weight ive gained and how big i am.. and boy am i looking big.. i hear the mothers voice echo in me when she does this.. the embarrassment and shame just overloads me.. i cry when im by myself.. i gotten to where i hate eating.. but know i have to cause i shake real bad and start to pass out if i dont.. i have a low bl**d pressure alot of the time.. and not eating makes it worse.. but the comments makes me continuously want to starve myself again like we did in the past.. i wish so bad i was 86 pds like we were back then.. but still able to function..

sessions with my t and i havent been the best either.. i feel so bad.. i deeply wish i could just do it all right so i could make her happy and pleased with what and how i do.. but i seem to keep frustrating her more and more.. and causing her to be more and more irritated with me.. it scares me.. i want to be *normal* and do things right.. not be unhealthy or do things in an unhealthy manner.. i so badly want our lives to be on the right path and be making progress.. i thought we were.. and now all the sudden because of a set back now we are "unhealthy" and irritating to others.. least it seems that way..

Lord Jesus.. we are trying our best.. and only you Lord knows that.. please open others hearts to see that..

we cant help it when we are triggered.. and/or dont know how to handle such situations that arise.. thats why we ask for help..

my tears just cant flow enough right now..

we just deeply want peace back in our sessions, peace back within, progress to be made in both places..

for us not to give up on the word "love".. to still believe it does exsist out there.. right now we just sit in silence with that word.. we dont know what to believe..

i, (K).. am scared to move anywhere around the word anymore.. im scared of being hit with falling words.. i beg of no more hurt.. im just fading away too fast from it all..



K