step by step

session on friday didnt go anywhere like we had wanted it to.. the beginning of it was just horrible.. our anger was just flaring.. and seemed almost impossible to get control of it and calm it down.. we were raising our voice.. shaking in anger.. and just being disrespectful by not allowing our t to finish her sentences before we started butting in.. we dont think we really had any idea what was going on with us.. our anger was so out of control.. and the anger really had nothing to do with our t.. the anger was at ourselves.. but yet we were just so ready to blow off our steam on her.. NOT COOL..

somehow we didnt know how but we had to get a hold of it.. and we dont know how we did.. with it being now the weekend and us just now getting back on here and writing its hard for us to remember how it happened.. we know we finally calmed down for the most of it and spent time talking to our t in the rest of session on friday..

we still are not sure whats going on with us.. with us being ok for just a few days.. and then within the next few days we are so down.. sobbing.. depressed.. full of rage.. and do worse.. its been getting worse over these last few months.. the days of being ok are not lasting as long.. and the days of being down are hitting much harder and stronger.. this last one really scared us.. the rage in it really scared us..

we know we need help with this if we just knew what was wrong with us.. we are going to work hard to stay through this.. we know there is help out there.. we cant give up.. we want to feel better..

our T says we need to write.. so...

so we are writing. we are suppose to write our thoughts we are having a hard time reaching what our thoughts are. you see we told her we have this urge to just dodge out in front of the traffic that whizzes by in front of her office tomorrow when we are suppose to go there for session. we told her we are angry with her. she wants to hear some of our THOUGHTS.. when she asked us that our mind went blank... it just shut down.. just silence inside.. really does irritate and frustrate us when that happens.. makes us feel like we need or HAVE to be thinking of something and dam well better do it fast.. throw out some kind of answer to her fast cause she is waiting but what?????? what do we say... whats a thought???? what the H are we thinking? is there something there.. we panic inside when she asks us question and our mind goes blank.. just sheer panic.. anxiety shoots up way high..


thought thought thought thought just repeats over and over in our head instead of our mind slowing down and trying to think something clear.. why do we fear her in a way.. like... fearing we have to know all the answers right then and give them to everything.. we feel we are pretty much constantly corrected on things we say.. if we give a suggestion or idea its corrected with a smarter or better one.. or if we joke about something.. the joke cant stay a joke.. its corrected with "no actually this is for ..." or "Huh? Well it's really spelled..." when the whole thing WAS A JOKE.. its feels like we must always keep our place to remain less than. lower than. a minuet and never will be nothing more and must always remember to keep our place there.


there will never be another chance for a good man in our life.. not at our age.. and friend wise.. we dont get a chance to get out and go anywhere so we are unable to meet friends..


to be here at this apartment.. day after day.. alone.. hurting.. everywhere.. the smack of something hitting us and every single thing in our life being over with just seems so much more peaceful..


no more pills we will have to take.. no more famously forgetting things like we do over and over.. no more pain in our body gosh no more pain.. no more hurting inside..no more sadness inside.. no more of the tapes of the past playing from within.. no more hearing the littles in pain or hearing them cry for a mommy..


no more feeling like we fail.. such a failure.. cant do anything right.. always wrong when we heard and felt icy coldness darting about... blowing in.. we were wrong.. we dont care about the things left behind.. the people ... what people? they have their own lives.. what were we to them.. and our cat.. he will find a good home.. 


our kids....... they are not ours anymore.. they belong to other people now.. they are not our responsibility.. we are still not sure if any of this was THOUGHTS... like we said we have a hard time getting thoughts out.. all we do is just hurt people.. thats why we dont belong here anymore.. and we are soooooooo sick of people tell us "you are been through so much worse you are tougher than you think you can make it through this".. its like the urge gets stronger to prove to them we are not tougher and stronger right now.. its that extra little more push off that curb..


nobody knows right now.. we just dont think no one really hears us right now or knows how to reach us....