just writing to try to get things out..

its my turn.. taken the time to take those deep breaths.. feels like my thoughts and emotions are going too fast for me right now.. ealier was getting hard to talk.. and i was shutting down.. feeling so ashamed.. like i just couldnt do anything right.. not say the right things.. think the right things.. feel the right way.. if there is a right way to feel? i dont know.. was just feeling very confused.. and ashamed and embarassed cause i of something that scares me and some within.. i was getting too caught up in things that had not even happened yet.. but the thought of them happening or the day coming and things not being set up ahead of time scared me to d*ath.. not just me though.. ones within have been talking and are so frightened of all of this too..

we are ones who just like to know set plans.. and how things are going to work.. yes it will still be hard on us but it helps in a way so we can try our hardest to keep an even balance within and not get stuck.. change throws us for a loop pretty bad.. and if theres a break or gap in that loop somewhere we are sent in a downward spiral..

i felt so stupid and ashamed that i simply couldnt answer what were simple questions on the phone to someone.. and simple request of things i could do.. i seemed like i was making it sound totally impossible.. im so embarassed.. its no wonder people get so upset and frustrated with me.. from the bottom of my heart i dont mean to do this.. i dont.. i dont know why i am so scared.. why even now i feel myself trapping in my words not wanting them to ever come out again.. why i feel its easier not to speak than to say whats hard..

i just would so much rather go to bed.. hold back the tears and try to force myself to sleep.. i want to be better.. i dont want to be some freak anymore.. i dont want to frustrate and upset people anymore with what i do.. it hurts me so bad i do that.. it only makes me want to end my life bad because i do that to others.. i litterly h8te how i am.. who i am..

i dont haave confidence in myself.. i think im understading why.. cause i just screw things up all the time..

the mother said at one point i was a mistake.. ... maybe so.. i know thats all i seem to do well is make them..

K