IF ONLYS.......

IF ONLYS

• if only i could of made better decisions.........
• if only i would of been there.....
• if only i could trust.....
• if only i could believe.......
• if only i knew....
• if only i could help them see...
• if only i could help them understand....
• if only someone knew....................

if onlys....

i know theres so many more "if onlys".. they run through my mind.. some of the "if onlys" i even feel in my heart.. deep inside me though i know some of them will never in my existence happen.. they will remain an "if only".. "a wish".. a painful wish at that..

i try to go each day now with just taking it moment by moment.. dont like hearing the ticking of clocks.. its started to bother me.. not sure why..

this weekend has not been the best of weekends.. starting with friday.. i had a seizure in our T's office.. i dont remember very much of the session.. we didnt get to really even have a session.. we had pretty much just started.. she had said it was maybe 20 minutes into the session.. i only remember a few things before it happened.. then i was barely in and out until after i was at the hospital and they were trying to get me to come around..

i was very sore.. tired and really confused.. we had a few complications with ones within when it came to nurses needing to do things the doctor needed.. it was not a good situation for any of us.. and we are very lucky none of the nurses got bit by one of our younger ones within.. came close..

when this happened at our T's office.. it scared our T.. i would never in my life want to do anything that would scare her or hurt her.. and now im scared.. embarrassed.. ashamed.. feel like ive hurt her.. i dont want her to be scared of me now or scared to be around me.. but even i want to hide from people..

i dont know what it looks like from the outside when this happens.. and if its enough to scare someone i dont want to be around others.. if they didnt think i was a freak before cause i am multiple now they really will think i am..

if only i had never told anyone what was going on with the body.. and if only i hadnt of been there last friday for some reason.. if only if only if only........ im so ashamed...

why cant i just be normal???

K

not obeying the "rules" by calling on HER bday

its the first time we aint obeyed the rules of the fam by calling the mother on her bday. we have walked on egg shells pretty much all day long. waiting for that "you are no good!" or "what kind of daughter are you!" call. its usually one of us that gives in an makes a call. eh but none has this time. too much other sh!t goin down besides that. like we got other stuff we thinkin bout. am missin horse sessions. like i did kinda like doin those. liked the smell of the horses an barn. i liked communicating with the horses through thoughts. they like knew what i was sayin an stuff. juz stuff that was too hard to say to peeps. yakin to peeps has gotten hard. mean like eh spillin out ya beans ya know? heck i aint even all that good with surface yak. bleh! peeps say in time it gets easier. donno ya know? but eh was juz reminded. nobody can make us do anything we dont wanna do. so like we are not obligated to call the mother even if it is her bday. we are not obligated to follow rules of the past by our absers. we do have a choice in the here and now. like in the present. for i. i choose NO WAY!

laters

jesse or jess the mess

dont know where im at..

i honestly dont know where im at anymore.. im so confused by everything.. my impulses and urges are stronger than ever.. and i keep relapsing over and over again with the crack use.. im literally hating myself cause i just cant or wont stay away from it.. i just keep returning.. and the person giving it to me seems to know just the right words to say to get me over there to use with this person.. or send people to my door with it knowing its going to be so hard to turn away..

my head is so cluttered.. it feels like its going to explode.. the amount of crack i had been doing does not work anymore.. it takes more now.. i dont know whats going to k-ll me first.. the crack.. or myself from the shame.. disgust.. and hate of me using..

i have needed to get out of this setting place i live in for months now.. but there have been no places for me to go.. it has only left me more and more hopeless.. so hopeless that ive thought of returning to our abusers home state.. just to get out of here.. we know we will not be safe there.. but.... we are not safe here.. and at least we will be getting away from the drugs here.. sadly though.. we will be leaving behind the wonderful people we cherish most of all.. our T.. our case manager.. our CSP.. a good friend we dearly love.... and.... our birth children..

separating ourselves from our birth children and T will be the most diffic-lt ones.. but our birth children are with another loving family now.. who is raising them and will provide them with everything they could ever want or need.. they surround them with the most tender love.. we will still miss them though..

leaving our T.. we will grieve hard.. she has seen us though thick and thin.. good times and bad.. listened to us laugh.. and cry.. held our hands when we were scared.. taught us many skills and opened our eyes to many possibilities.. and shared experienced new ideas both of us would come up with..

i, Kat, do not feel its fair though.. to keep putting her though more of this ordeal of my crack use.. and my SU ideation.. urges.. and even plans at times.. its not fair to her.. ive prayed and prayed for God to just take me.. but as they say in His time he will.. there are sometime and reasons i just cant wait on His time.. im messing up too too much.. and its effecting other peoples lives.. and hurting them.. i have to draw a line somewhere..

im working on making peace with my decision.. at least i can know crack will no longer disrupt our lives and ruin things in our lives anymore.. and i wont ruin things in it by using it or giving into it..

i wish it could be easy enough that i just fade away my appearance from earth as a being.. but it doesnt work that way..

as for now.. its early in the morning.. and i must sleep..

Kat

been a while..

thought id come in and write a little.. cant stay too long.. alot has happened in several months.. too much to get into right now..

i guess all i can really say is i have a long road ahead of me still.. and at times im so scared..

i am grateful our T and support team has been there with us.. the journey we walk right now is not a familiar one..

Knall

we will be away..

we will be away for some time due to other obligations now that are fulfilling our lives and time..

we will not have the time to visit any blogs or forums..

we hope to be able to return one day..

to all our friends and readers.. be safe and we love you..

marlo

may be to stay in dark. think dark where i be long not here. clinic lady not the same i meet. light scare me now dark i be long to stay hold with secrets.

just writing to try to get things out..

its my turn.. taken the time to take those deep breaths.. feels like my thoughts and emotions are going too fast for me right now.. ealier was getting hard to talk.. and i was shutting down.. feeling so ashamed.. like i just couldnt do anything right.. not say the right things.. think the right things.. feel the right way.. if there is a right way to feel? i dont know.. was just feeling very confused.. and ashamed and embarassed cause i of something that scares me and some within.. i was getting too caught up in things that had not even happened yet.. but the thought of them happening or the day coming and things not being set up ahead of time scared me to d*ath.. not just me though.. ones within have been talking and are so frightened of all of this too..

we are ones who just like to know set plans.. and how things are going to work.. yes it will still be hard on us but it helps in a way so we can try our hardest to keep an even balance within and not get stuck.. change throws us for a loop pretty bad.. and if theres a break or gap in that loop somewhere we are sent in a downward spiral..

i felt so stupid and ashamed that i simply couldnt answer what were simple questions on the phone to someone.. and simple request of things i could do.. i seemed like i was making it sound totally impossible.. im so embarassed.. its no wonder people get so upset and frustrated with me.. from the bottom of my heart i dont mean to do this.. i dont.. i dont know why i am so scared.. why even now i feel myself trapping in my words not wanting them to ever come out again.. why i feel its easier not to speak than to say whats hard..

i just would so much rather go to bed.. hold back the tears and try to force myself to sleep.. i want to be better.. i dont want to be some freak anymore.. i dont want to frustrate and upset people anymore with what i do.. it hurts me so bad i do that.. it only makes me want to end my life bad because i do that to others.. i litterly h8te how i am.. who i am..

i dont haave confidence in myself.. i think im understading why.. cause i just screw things up all the time..

the mother said at one point i was a mistake.. ... maybe so.. i know thats all i seem to do well is make them..

K

gosh i miss my blog..

feel almost as if its been months since ive been able to be here.. but i know it hasnt.. im just glad to be back in here writing again.. theres been lots of changes in our lives.. i believe most all of them has been for the better.. umm.. not sure on one.. still kind of riding the waves on that one..

cant remember if any of us have posted about us getting a new community support provider soon.. and cant peek back and look right now since i am in "post mode" lol.. but there is still not real update on who will be replacing our present one or if there will be anyone.. really makes us nervous.. and we love our present CSP right now we know when she really does go its going to be so heartbreaking.. our littles wont even talk about it.. when we try to talk to them about it they talk about something else way.. way different..

ugghhh.. i keep itching.. or my body is itchy.. however you say it.. you know.. my boyfriend was pulling up poison ivy this morning.. i really really hope he didnt give it to me when he was holding my hand tonight.. he told me he would wash his hand this morning!!! sigh.. thats all we need.. ugh! and its a burn sort of itchy.. blahhh.. think we better ask someone about this..

umm sorry to make this a short post.. i was really happy to be able to write again toooooo!!!!! im going to have to come back and finish this though.. yikes.. i itch!!

K

writing to write..

i know i need to write.. cause i can tell its getting hard for me to "talk" or open up about things that are bothering me.. and talk about the thoughts that are there.. the emotions im feeling (i just want to go back and delete all this right now).. if i just close my eyes and let my fingers do the talking for me..

im hurting so deeply down inside.. the struggle i have with myself each day.. live or d*e.. live or d*e.. why must it be so hard to choose.. what in my life is hurting me so deeply that i would want to choose to d*e..

i try hard to picture myself.. when i do.. i see this woman.. sitting below a tree.. with the wind blowing hard against her and the tree.. and the tree swaying back and forth in the wind.. thrusting its branches and leaves.. the woman.. has her knees drawn up to her and her feet tucked tightly in place side by side to try to hold up against the wind.. her face is buried in her knees.. with her arms latched around her legs.. holding herself tightly..

her hair twisting and turning all about in the wind.. blowing hard against her face.. as she sits there.. her only thoughts are.. i want go home.. i just want to go home..

moving in closer to her.. a voice come to her an asks..

"Please don't be frightened Miss, but where does your home that your speak of be?"

without opening her eyes.. tears shed down her face in streams..

home means.. love.. not hurt..

home means.. happiness.. not sorrow..

home means.. cherished.. not forgotten..

home means.. family.. not rejected..

home means.. at peace.. no scattered..

home means.. sheltered.. not tossed aside..

home means.. to celebrate.. not silence..

home.. to me means to dream.. to have hope.. to soar high in the big beyond.. to never come down till this world safer, better and more loving place to be..

home to me is beyond to the stars.. dreaming.. soaring.. flying high..

home to me is flying to see all our loved ones who have gone on before us.. but our hearts were desperately grieving over..

if home of flying was to ever end.. then home to me....
home to me.. would be dy*ng..


~a true dreamer who misses flights of flying~

K

not so great..

didnt have the best night last night.. and can tell this morning its going to need to be a weekend of trying to relax and get our thoughts back together..

we were invited to go to eat last night with a neighbor and his wife.. we agreed.. but wanting to really stay home.. anyway.. in the car they decided we were going to eat at golden coral..

immediately chatter started within.. but i was unable to grip what was going on and focus what was being said cause the lady we were with was talking so so loud in the front seat.. i was trying to answer her and listen to her repeat the same thing over and over (which she tends to do) plus hear what was going on inside.. but it just wasnt possible.. our lady neighbor talked non-stop the whole drive there.. loud! while her husband.. driving.. had music playing trying to drown out her voice.. it was chaos for us.. just too much.. and we werent even there yet..

well.. we get to the golden coral.. and every single parking place is filled in the restaurant.. and no joking.. people were lined back to back outside the place.. and the line was not moving.. my jaw dropped.. i was thinking... HOPING.. they would decide to just go somewhere else.. or even just go back home.. but no.. they circled.. and circled.. and again and again.. they were not giving up..

still all this chatter within.. getting louder and louder.. and the lady in the front getting louder cause im sure her tummy was REALLY talking to her now that she was "AT" this place of food.. i just kept trying to breathe.. deep breaths in and out.. trying hard so hard to stay present.. when i so bad just wanted to bolt and cry at the same time.. i dont know why..

her husband finally went over to the restaurant right next to it and parked in their parking lot.. and said.. "well.. are you ready for a walk?" i didnt say anything.. my thoughts were zooming though.. we were STILL going to eat at that other place.. even though it was packed full.. and people were flowing out the door and in a stand still.. i seriously wanted to throw up.. i felt so so sick..

when we got out of the car i was finally able to hear what was going on within.. and it wasnt good.. ones were angry.. scared.. screaming.. crying.. having mem's and flashback hit.. all surrounding the amount of people at this place.. and "the name" of the place.. the name had triggered memories and flashbacks..

there are some within who have memories of the step-father and members of the c*lt participating in some kind of cruel activity called "Golden Showers" as the kids and children within call it.. the kids and children are terrified talking about it.. and when the subject is approached they get sick.. feel embarassed.. try to hide themselves.. and feel very ashamed..

im catching on now why there are some of them that have bathroom issues.. why some have a very hard time using the bathroom if someone can hear them.. and in public bathrooms.. gosh even here at home and we have someone over they will try and hold it and hold it till the person leaves.. ive noticed they even have a hard time hearing themselves go.. its so sad..

maybe thats why i, myself, have a hard time in bathrooms.. i dont know.. but back to what i was talking about.. the name of the restaurant.. Golden Coral.. the Golden part.. set the memories off.. then when we saw all the people.. oh my gosh.. all of our anxiety just blew so high..

i couldnt stop pacing.. and the children kept pulling on my clothes.. the smaller ones wanted to s*ck their their thumbs sooo bad and just sit on the floor..

lil one just wanted to put her thumb in her mouth.. rock hard.. she was crying so hard within.. screaming for our t to get her out of there.. to save her from "the people".. corner was begging me and begging me to get him away from "the people".. that there was too too many.. he even went up to a worker there and asked her where a phone was that he had to make a important phone call to his t..

i knew the best thing for us was to just get it all over with and go.. so we ate.. but the company we were with ate.. and ate.. and ate.. 3 plate loads.. we had no idea where they were putting it all.. but after we ate we went outside and walked around.. i smoked a cig while trying to calm everyone.. and found myself depersonalizing.. NOT GOOD TIMING I MAY SAY!

im not sure how long i was outside.. but when i "came back to" if thats what you want to call it.. i went back inside.. and my friends husband was just finishing up.. thank goodness..

we left and came home.. made one call to our friend.. our neighbor wanted to play one game of rhummy.. so jesse played her one game.. then after she left.. we finally let it all go and just fell apart..

next time we are asked to go out to eat with them.. we are saying what we really want to say and not giving in.. we would of been much safer at home..

so today.. we are taking it very slow.. and easy..

K