- if only i could of made better decisions.........
- if only i would of been there.....
- if only i could trust.....
- if only i could believe.......
- if only i knew....
- if only i could help them see...
- if only i could help them understand....
- if only someone knew....................
if onlys....
i know theres so many more "if onlys".. they run through my mind.. some of the "if onlys" i even feel in my heart.. deep inside me though i know some of them will never in my existence happen.. they will remain an "if only".. "a wish".. a painful wish at that..
i try to go each day now with just taking it moment by moment.. dont like hearing the ticking of clocks.. its started to bother me.. not sure why..
this weekend has not been the best of weekends.. starting with friday.. i had a seizure in our T's office.. i dont remember very much of the session.. we didnt get to really even have a session.. we had pretty much just started.. she had said it was maybe 20 minutes into the session.. i only remember a few things before it happened.. then i was barely in and out until after i was at the hospital and they were trying to get me to come around..
i was very sore.. tired and really confused.. we had a few complications with ones within when it came to nurses needing to do things the doctor needed.. it was not a good situation for any of us.. and we are very lucky none of the nurses got bit by one of our younger ones within.. came close..
when this happened at our T's office.. it scared our T.. i would never in my life want to do anything that would scare her or hurt her.. and now im scared.. embarrassed.. ashamed.. feel like ive hurt her.. i dont want her to be scared of me now or scared to be around me.. but even i want to hide from people..
i dont know what it looks like from the outside when this happens.. and if its enough to scare someone i dont want to be around others.. if they didnt think i was a freak before cause i am multiple now they really will think i am..
if only i had never told anyone what was going on with the body.. and if only i hadnt of been there last friday for some reason.. if only if only if only........ im so ashamed...
why cant i just be normal???
K
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