dont know where im at..

i honestly dont know where im at anymore.. im so confused by everything.. my impulses and urges are stronger than ever.. and i keep relapsing over and over again with the crack use.. im literally hating myself cause i just cant or wont stay away from it.. i just keep returning.. and the person giving it to me seems to know just the right words to say to get me over there to use with this person.. or send people to my door with it knowing its going to be so hard to turn away..

my head is so cluttered.. it feels like its going to explode.. the amount of crack i had been doing does not work anymore.. it takes more now.. i dont know whats going to k-ll me first.. the crack.. or myself from the shame.. disgust.. and hate of me using..

i have needed to get out of this setting place i live in for months now.. but there have been no places for me to go.. it has only left me more and more hopeless.. so hopeless that ive thought of returning to our abusers home state.. just to get out of here.. we know we will not be safe there.. but.... we are not safe here.. and at least we will be getting away from the drugs here.. sadly though.. we will be leaving behind the wonderful people we cherish most of all.. our T.. our case manager.. our CSP.. a good friend we dearly love.... and.... our birth children..

separating ourselves from our birth children and T will be the most diffic-lt ones.. but our birth children are with another loving family now.. who is raising them and will provide them with everything they could ever want or need.. they surround them with the most tender love.. we will still miss them though..

leaving our T.. we will grieve hard.. she has seen us though thick and thin.. good times and bad.. listened to us laugh.. and cry.. held our hands when we were scared.. taught us many skills and opened our eyes to many possibilities.. and shared experienced new ideas both of us would come up with..

i, Kat, do not feel its fair though.. to keep putting her though more of this ordeal of my crack use.. and my SU ideation.. urges.. and even plans at times.. its not fair to her.. ive prayed and prayed for God to just take me.. but as they say in His time he will.. there are sometime and reasons i just cant wait on His time.. im messing up too too much.. and its effecting other peoples lives.. and hurting them.. i have to draw a line somewhere..

im working on making peace with my decision.. at least i can know crack will no longer disrupt our lives and ruin things in our lives anymore.. and i wont ruin things in it by using it or giving into it..

i wish it could be easy enough that i just fade away my appearance from earth as a being.. but it doesnt work that way..

as for now.. its early in the morning.. and i must sleep..

Kat