Letter to Our T

Dear C,

when you came into our lives we didnt realize how much of a difference you were going to make for us.. we didnt realize how much we were going to accept you as part of our family.. and how much you were going to help us.. the way you greet us with a smile everytime and lift our spirits.. the way you listen to us with total understanding and an open heart and the way you seem to continually care about us no matter what..

we didnt realize it woud hurt so much when you were not around either.. that part we havent figured out why it happens yet.. maybe its because its what we've longed for in a person before.. not sure..

you are such an inspiration to us.. you bring us hope that we could not find.. hope that we did not have.. that we just could not see.. but so dearly needed in our lives..

when there are times when we are really struggling.. you are there.. times when SI thoughts are bothering us.. you are there.. when flashbacks are hitting us hard.. you are there.. you dont have to make yourself available during these times but you do.. even times at night.. when one of us calls you stuggling.. you are there..

there has never been another T like you that has made herself available like this for us before.. it has really helped us be able to move further in healing and learn to trust you more.. we just dont think the words "thank you" could ever be enough to say how much we appreciate you.. you have a special place deep in our hearts.. but if "thank you" could say it all.... then... "Thank You C, For Everything You Do in Our Lives. You Mean the World to Us."

(((((((((((((((((((((((( HUGS )))))))))))))))))))))))))))

From AllofUS to Our T, C

For the Next 2 Weeks

we cant help but wonder how things will be for us for the next 2 weeks while our T is out of state on vacation.. things within are so mixed up and confusing for us right now.. with her leaving, it leaves us feeling sort of alone and scared and unsure..

it brings back feelings when our last T moved away.. we know our current T says she coming back but how do we know that for sure.. we feel like just closing our doors and locking them and staying deep inside till we know she is back.. yes we are pretty much scared stiff right now.. silly? yes.. but its how we feel..

yesterday we had lunch with our care provider, case manager and T to celebrate the bodys birthday.. it was the last day we would be getting to see our T before she left on vacation.. when it was time for us to say bye to her we didnt want to.. many were so sad inside.. i, myself, just wanted to cry.. but i didnt.. i held myself together so she wouldnt know.. i didnt want to seem like i couldnt handle it.. but yet i sit here now.. with tears in my eyes.. feeling so odd.. with overwhelming sadness and a deep aloneness filling up in me..

we have gotten to where we trust our new T.. and can talk to her.. and share with her private things in our lives that helps us overcome the battles we need to.. and for the next 2 weeks we will have to bottle those things up.. hiding our faces from the world so no one knows we are not ok right now.. it was ok to us for us to let our guard down with our T.. but we still have concern letting our guard down with others in the world..

if we could just remain asleep during the time she is gone it would pass by so much faster.. but we know we could not sleep for that long of a time.. what are we going to do? what do we do with this deep sadness? if only we didnt care so much it wouldnt hurt so bad.. if we could only shut off our feelings.. but we cant..

we feel lost.. just totally lost right now..

K n all

Prayers of a Young Child

with her face smushed up into the dusty screen of her bedroom window she use to picture King Kong storming through her grandmothers backyard.. she was never sure if King Kong was coming to save her from her home of torture or coming to get her.. her heart pounded in fear.. she would race from her bedroom window to the front screen door.. peering through it.. watching as King Kong got closer and closer and people below ran for their lives out of his way.. sceaming in terror..

tucked under her arm was a very large Mickey Mouse.. who at that time was taller than she was.. she would drag his feet on the floor as she ran back and forth to each window.. watching and waiting in fear for what this disturbing creature might do..

these were the dreams of one of our littles named, Lil Sue.. who is 5 years old.. every day Lil Sue would sit on her bed.. looking out her bedrooms dusty window.. praying that God would take her away.. away from the pain she suffered at home by the hands of her parents.. she would then turn and talk to her best friend.. her Mickey Mouse.. and tell him all her fears.. begging Mickey Mouse to come to life and help her.. to show Mickey how much she loved him she would even dress him up in her clothes and wrap him up in her favorite Strawberry Shortcake blaket that her Nanny made her..

every day she went back to her window again and again.. feeling more hopeless.. feeling as if God was not hearing her cries for help or that maybe she was not loved enough by Him to be helped.. while everyone was sleeping.. she sat awake.. with her face breathing in the dust from that dirty old window.. waiting for some sign that He was there and coming to save her.. but nothing ever happened.. many times she fell asleep against the window screen.. with dried tears on her face..

Lil Sue's dreams of King Kong proceeded to get worse and worse.. to the point where she tucked herself away inside and didnt return till the body was an adult.. she had given up on God saving her from the pain of the abuse and that He loved her..

She stay's hidden under a bed inside now.. fearing to come out.. tucking herself away from the outside world.. we will never know the reasons why we were left in the abuse we were.. but we have come to try to focus on the fact that we survived for a purpose.. and we are here for a reason.. we hope to one day know..

Lil Sue may never have her answer if King Kong was coming to get her or to save her.. maybe King Kong was coming to get the family for what they were doing to us.. maybe King Kong was mad because they were hurting us and it was Lil Sue's way of expressing it since she couldn't.. we will never really know..

what we do know is she is a very special little girl and very loved by our System.. and we are proud of her for helping us making it through..

Peace, Love & Harmony to all..

K

Because of You by Kelly Clarkson

Because of You by Kelly Clarkson

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because you know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you
Because of you

this song by kelly clarkson is one i play and think of the mother only.. when i listen to it i get feelings of frustration, sadness, confusion and small amounts of anger..

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

the mother made alot of mistakes (not saying people dont make them).. but raising your child up with abuse is an awful big mistake (could add more to that but i wont).. the mother still to this day feels she never did anything wrong.. therefor she has never apologized for any of the times she raised her hand to us or the sisters.. or when she made us take of our pants and panties to get spanked with belts.. or when she choked us and while saying all kinds of cuss words spitting from her mouth in our face.. seems like all our life so far all we have wanted to hear were the words "I'm sorry" from the mother.. but i believe its something we will honestly never get to hear..

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

the mother was the one who we should have been able to look up to.. share things with.. talk to when there were bad days for us.. and receive love, hugs and comfort from.. but because of the constant abuse and hurt we received from her we feared her.. we learned to fear everyone.. we never knew when someone else would hurt us like she did.. we never could trust anything she told us.. or anything she was doing.. or sometimes when she left if she was even coming back.. we feared her every move.. if fears us to hear the voice of the mother even as an adult now.. and we do every day in our memories & flashbacks we suffer with.. fear is installed in us because of her..

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because you know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

while growing up she made it an issue to point out our every mistake.. our every accident.. to tease us.. mock us and constantly threaten us.. when there times we had felt like crying or showing emotion she walked away.. or would not listen.. even when we knew we were sinking into a pit of despair.. she turned her back and walked away and would not listen that we needed help.. if tears came she glared at us and got angry.. there were a few times when she slapped the face and said sharply "stop that" or "knock it off".. we learned crying was not allowed.. showing any type of emotion besides "happiness" and "im ok" was not allowed.. because of her..

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

though the birth mother for us is still living.. we feel in our hearts she died.. that the only chance we had for a loving, caring mother is gone and taken away from us.. we grieve hard over this.. while growing up the mother and step father fought a whole lot.. the mother often talked to us about their problems and looked to us (her daughters) to lean on for support.. for us it only brought confusion.. while one night sitting in the bathroom floor of the mothers she sobbed and sobbed talking about the step father and some huge dispute they had.. we were confused and just wanted them not to fight.. we found ourselves scared to get up and walk out of the room.. scared on what she might do.. not only to us.. but to herself.. or if she would leave in the car and never show back up again.. so we sat there with her while she just cried and talked.. we were much too young to be the ones to lean on.. but we ended up being the ones taking care of them instead of them taking care of us.. if only she would of taken the time to find out what was going on in our lives and had some interest in that part too.. then maybe we wouldnt be so messed up today.. because of her..

Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you

because of everything the mother has done to us we do try very hard to forget.. and forget everything.. but its like we cant.. we live the nightmares of our memories & flashbacks almost on a daily basis.. we isolate ourselves from most of the people in the world.. scared of being judged, criticized, hurt and abused more.. its painfully hard for us to allow people in our lives.. we have such walls built up around us.. doing something new.. going to new places.. meeting someone new is almost out of the question for us.. but we are working on trying to get better with this.. our life back then and today has never had many people in it.. too scared to reach out.. we often feel very alone but feel we are safer to be alone than possibly hurt again..

Dear Mother,
You taught us many things.. most of all those things was how to fear you and how to be ashamed of ourselves.. you've wanted us to lie all these years and believe in our hearts that what you did was right and that there was nothing wrong with it.. but what you did was very wrong.. it was down right abusive.. in many ways.. in many of the things you did.. and ive only ever mentioned a few.. we are proud and thankful we made sure that we did not follow in your abusive steps and ways.. nor will we ever.. we stand proudly against all abuse and will carry no more secrets.. for you or anyone else.. thank you for teaching us how to be aware of people.. we are sure it will come in handy when we are around others we do not know.. thank you for teaching us about judging.. we are glad we do not judge others as you have done us.. thank you for all your criticism you have given us.. it only helps show us that we are not as bad as everything you've told us we are in our past.. and thank you for everything else you've done.. you showed us that life can be hard when you have parents like you.. but when the right decisions are made to break off the ties that it can be much better.. only because of you dear mother..

Dreaming2Fly System

With Him.... There is Hope

With Him.... There is Hope

There's a place beyond I’ve ever known
That’s filled with peace of mind
A place where all my fears can go
And have no need to hide
My heart how light
And sorrow none
Just to sit in His peaceful sight
And know that in His willing time all things will be done
But patience was never easy for me
As He knows that very well
To close my eyes and just believe
To have faith and everything else
He understands my heart of hurt
As I am learning His
He gently takes me by the hand
And leads me down the way
Not really much concern
As to what I should or shouldn’t say
So, I sit here now
Side to side by Him
I know that safety and all trust
Relies and dwells with Him
To give my heart fully
And just believe it’s done
To turn my eyes to Him
And wait for Him to come
To Believe, have Faith and Trust…

© Copyright by Megan w/ Dreaming2Flys System

5 Reasons Why I Love Jesus

keepers has tagged us on "5 Reasons Why I Love Jesus." so now it is our turn to share about 5 reasons why we love Jesus.. which we woud love to do..

1. Jesus loves unconditinally.. we have never been able to find that in anyone, anything or anywhere.. but we have tried.. we have searched.. and never had any luck.. Jesus has been the only one who has been able to do that.. we know others may try but they are only human and things happen in life that can not be helped.. we love our Jesus for this and thank Him for all the love He gives to us each and every day of our lives..

2. Jesus is forgiving.. we are grateful Jesus does not focus on our faults and that we have such a loving and forgivng Lord.. that when we make mistakes we can ask for forgiveness and know we are forgiven for them..

3. Call on His Name.. when in times of trouble it eases my heart to know that all i have to do is call on His name and there He will be.. that He is there to guide us and comfort us in every way.. when in prayer where 2 or more are gathered that He is there with them.. He knows all needs.. He knows all cares.. but He loves it when you call on Him and spend time just talking to him..

4. Never Alone.. even at times when we are at our lowest and feel no one cares.. He cares.. when we feel like we are all alone in our sadness and no one in the whole world could possibly understand how we feel.. He does.. Hes experienced every emotion theres ever been.. Hes been through every possible thing anyone could of ever gone through.. He does understand.. thats why when your at your lowest point just talking to Him will help.. He hears you.. and Hes listening, cares and loves you..

my # 5 is special to me.. its because of a promise he makes to us..
5. Promises us forever in Heaven.. if we believe in Him and trust in Him he promises us forever with Him in Heaven.. to walk down the streets of gold.. to live with Him forever.. in peace and happiness.. no more sorrows.. joy will be in our hearts forever.. these are what we long for.. this is what i search for and one day long to have with Him.. sitting by Him.. in peace..

K

A Day to Celebrate!!

today has been quite an exciting day for us cause today is our inner system's Celebration Day/Birthday.. for several years now our inner system has chosen to celebrate their day on another day besides the birth of the body.. many in our system wouldnt even celebrate on the bodies birthday because it brought back too many memories that were painful for them.. so around 6 years ago we decided to let our inner ones decided on a day that would be special for just them.. a day they could celebrate being who they are and a day that there would be no pain attached to cause of ones past.. Six years ago this was the day they picked..

we also celebrate how much they have grown and changed over the years.. reminding them how special each of them are and how loved and appreciate they are.. since doing this we have seen ones within begin to be able to open up and blossom.. ones who never smiled would be seen with a smirk or half smile on their face while listening to jokes or being praised for something they accomplished.. ones who hid all the time now venture out of the corners within and peek out.. sometimes saying whats on their mind and heart..

it has taken a long time for ones with our inner system to see theres no fear in your age or not knowing your age or with some in our system, not even knowing their names.. we have surrounded them with love and comfort whether or not they have a name, an age or any of those little things.. some though have ages and over the last 6 years have aged in them.. as they were ready to grow a year older and felt safe an comfortable enough to want to do that.. this is such progress for them.. to see they are becoming healthier and stronger.. making better decisions and thinking responsibly for choices they do make..

they spent the day with our care provider and our t enjoying their special day.. eating cake and opening presents.. when nap time came around the body was tired enough to sleep for a couple of hours cause we were so worn out.. the day is not over yet though.. they got 5 new movies from our t and im sure they will want to watch 1 of them before bedtime..

id like to say to all our inners ones.. to the Bigs & Kids in our system.. Happy Celebration Day and Birthday! this is YOUR day to CELEBRATE!

Love you to the moon, stars and back again!

K

Skill Use Put to Work

we have been in the hospital for the last 10 days.. it was the last place i would of thought that i would be having to use my DBT skills, but it was where i think we were using them the most this time.. matter of fact it started not even 2 hours after we arrived there on the unit that we were tested to a point with a staff member that we had to face our DBT skills quickly to figure out how to handle it.. heres what happened..

a phone call came in on one of the patient lines that we were sitting by.. it was for someone on the unit.. of course we didnt know anyone cause we had just arrived there that morning.. so we went up to the nurses station to let them know the person had a call (like we had always known to do at that hospital as well as what all the other patients are told to do).. that way they could page the person to the phone.. the secretary lady gave a nasty look to us and said in a harsh tone, "When a person gets a call, your suppose to get up and go look/find the person." we were stunned and stood there shocked by this womans comment and attitude toward us.. here we are.. just arriving that morning.. not knowing anyone or who anyone is.. who can we find someone we dont know.. i think we stood there just amazed.. frustration soon just filled us.. and we left and went to our room.. we sat in our room thinking.. knowing we would have to handle this and not just let it go..

we know our DBT skills.. we know pretty much how to use them.. and when to.. after we calmed down we went back out to the nurses station to confront the woman.. we knew she had no right speaking to us that way.. so we approached the office and knocked.. she answered the door.. there was a nurses aid in the office also.. we felt better about that so at least she could be a witness that we were saying nothing rude to her..

we told her.. "it hurt our feelings when you said that.. we dont know anybody or any of the patients in here.. we just got here today." She replied sharply, "oh well im sorry i hurt your feelings!" and rolled her eyes.. we just continued with what we were saying.. "we all come in places like this because we have problems, we dont need more added to them.." (we started to choke back tears) "give us a few days to learn peoples names in here ok?" this time the woman backed up some.. and in a much softer tone she said, "ok and im sorry."

before learning these skills of proper communication we would have either flown off the wall at her or just held our silence and been completely passive and walked away with our heads buried down.. walking around in pain never approaching anyone on their actions and/or behaviors.. but we have gotten a little stronger and can some now..

just because someone may have a higher status than you, or better job, or earn more money, or seem to be more knowledgable or have better skills than you it does not matter.. everyone can be confronted on their actions and behaviors when they are rude or innapropriate.. everyone also makes mistakes.. whether or not the listen is up to them, but for us we will not stop figuring out better ways to use our skills in all areas of our lives.. it wont all take place overnight though.. its a process and one to work at every single day.. sometimes - even hour to hour - or minute to minute.. but it does get easier in time..

Peace, Love & Harmony to all..

K

What Will it Take?

today was such a horrible day.. i almost wish i had not woken up for it.. i got my first taste today of how it feels to be discriminated against.. its sad and it hurts very deeply.. because we live a life of multiplicity we are not able to be treated at some hospitals.. to me "we are not more less welcome there".. not even given the chance to see if they could of helped us or not.. they shut the doors on us before they were even willing to try.. this brought up so much stuff from our past.. feelings of rejection and feelings that we didnt matter to people.. words the mother use to say.. like "you will never amount to anything".. and more.. why is it so hard for people to open their eyes and open their minds and learn about DID/MPD rather than to gawk at us, make fun of us and not want to know.. wouldnt it be so much easier for them to want to learn and have knowledge how to handle situations and how to deal with people with different illness.. we are totally crushed by all of this.. shock first shot through us when we were told.. then overwhelming horror.. anger came flooding through on how society these days looks at people with mental illness and it just saddened me.. i couldnt help but break down and just sob..


in the past we were forced to live our life in shame.. then growing into our adulthood we were able to let go of some of that.. today.. we were slammed face down back into that shame once more.. it breaks my heart to feel ashamed that i live a life with mental illness that i have no control over.. but even more.. that people continually stomp on our hearts and wings that we so try to spread and grow to fly on our own.. we all just wonder.. what will it take to be accepted and loved like everyone else.. dont we count and matter too?

heartbroken,

K

From Under this Cloud

ive had to step back and take a break in writing.. it seemed as if my words were not even coming to me clearly enough to speak.. i have been hitting some rough spots lately and have been withdrawing more instead of reaching out.. i know from past experience that reaching out is whats going to help me get through this, but the old ways kick in and take over.. its hard to retrain myself to new ways when what ive done for so long is pull back.. though with the support of our t, care provider, case manager and few friends i am still hanging in there.. i havent fully seen any clearning amongst the clouds of confusion and sadness yet, but i am still here..

the very hard part for me to understand is where all this is coming from.. why am i falling and sinking so low into such a desparate depression.. why does the end of life feel so much more of a comfort to me.. somewhere deep within someone must know what is going on.. and what id like to be able to do is reach that one within and tell them how much they are loved and cared for even though they may feel they are worthless and not worth fighting for..

growing up were heard awful things.. repeated to us over and over.. these tapes still play in the back of our minds.. specially when triggered.. we hear things like "your not worth it", "your never amount to anything", "its all your fault", "no one cares about how you feel", "cant you do anything right?", "get out of my face, you make me sick" and so on.. when we hear the voices of the people that have hurt us say these things.. they bring up memories of the times they have been said.. what hapening when they were said.. we always can remember the picture of the persons face saying it.. and on some occasions we can remember how we felt after it was said.. not all occasions.. some of the feelings were blocked.. and some just experienced numbness..

i look forward to the day we can stop listening to the tapes that are playing within or that we build our own tapes we can listen to.. positive ones.. ones to help build us up and set us free.. and we will.. in due time.. one day we will be free.. from all this bondage and hurt that is buried deep within us.. and then.. boy oh boy will we soar high..

Peace, Love & Harmony,

K