just writing to try to get things out..

its my turn.. taken the time to take those deep breaths.. feels like my thoughts and emotions are going too fast for me right now.. ealier was getting hard to talk.. and i was shutting down.. feeling so ashamed.. like i just couldnt do anything right.. not say the right things.. think the right things.. feel the right way.. if there is a right way to feel? i dont know.. was just feeling very confused.. and ashamed and embarassed cause i of something that scares me and some within.. i was getting too caught up in things that had not even happened yet.. but the thought of them happening or the day coming and things not being set up ahead of time scared me to d*ath.. not just me though.. ones within have been talking and are so frightened of all of this too..

we are ones who just like to know set plans.. and how things are going to work.. yes it will still be hard on us but it helps in a way so we can try our hardest to keep an even balance within and not get stuck.. change throws us for a loop pretty bad.. and if theres a break or gap in that loop somewhere we are sent in a downward spiral..

i felt so stupid and ashamed that i simply couldnt answer what were simple questions on the phone to someone.. and simple request of things i could do.. i seemed like i was making it sound totally impossible.. im so embarassed.. its no wonder people get so upset and frustrated with me.. from the bottom of my heart i dont mean to do this.. i dont.. i dont know why i am so scared.. why even now i feel myself trapping in my words not wanting them to ever come out again.. why i feel its easier not to speak than to say whats hard..

i just would so much rather go to bed.. hold back the tears and try to force myself to sleep.. i want to be better.. i dont want to be some freak anymore.. i dont want to frustrate and upset people anymore with what i do.. it hurts me so bad i do that.. it only makes me want to end my life bad because i do that to others.. i litterly h8te how i am.. who i am..

i dont haave confidence in myself.. i think im understading why.. cause i just screw things up all the time..

the mother said at one point i was a mistake.. ... maybe so.. i know thats all i seem to do well is make them..

K

gosh i miss my blog..

feel almost as if its been months since ive been able to be here.. but i know it hasnt.. im just glad to be back in here writing again.. theres been lots of changes in our lives.. i believe most all of them has been for the better.. umm.. not sure on one.. still kind of riding the waves on that one..

cant remember if any of us have posted about us getting a new community support provider soon.. and cant peek back and look right now since i am in "post mode" lol.. but there is still not real update on who will be replacing our present one or if there will be anyone.. really makes us nervous.. and we love our present CSP right now we know when she really does go its going to be so heartbreaking.. our littles wont even talk about it.. when we try to talk to them about it they talk about something else way.. way different..

ugghhh.. i keep itching.. or my body is itchy.. however you say it.. you know.. my boyfriend was pulling up poison ivy this morning.. i really really hope he didnt give it to me when he was holding my hand tonight.. he told me he would wash his hand this morning!!! sigh.. thats all we need.. ugh! and its a burn sort of itchy.. blahhh.. think we better ask someone about this..

umm sorry to make this a short post.. i was really happy to be able to write again toooooo!!!!! im going to have to come back and finish this though.. yikes.. i itch!!

K

writing to write..

i know i need to write.. cause i can tell its getting hard for me to "talk" or open up about things that are bothering me.. and talk about the thoughts that are there.. the emotions im feeling (i just want to go back and delete all this right now).. if i just close my eyes and let my fingers do the talking for me..

im hurting so deeply down inside.. the struggle i have with myself each day.. live or d*e.. live or d*e.. why must it be so hard to choose.. what in my life is hurting me so deeply that i would want to choose to d*e..

i try hard to picture myself.. when i do.. i see this woman.. sitting below a tree.. with the wind blowing hard against her and the tree.. and the tree swaying back and forth in the wind.. thrusting its branches and leaves.. the woman.. has her knees drawn up to her and her feet tucked tightly in place side by side to try to hold up against the wind.. her face is buried in her knees.. with her arms latched around her legs.. holding herself tightly..

her hair twisting and turning all about in the wind.. blowing hard against her face.. as she sits there.. her only thoughts are.. i want go home.. i just want to go home..

moving in closer to her.. a voice come to her an asks..

"Please don't be frightened Miss, but where does your home that your speak of be?"

without opening her eyes.. tears shed down her face in streams..

home means.. love.. not hurt..

home means.. happiness.. not sorrow..

home means.. cherished.. not forgotten..

home means.. family.. not rejected..

home means.. at peace.. no scattered..

home means.. sheltered.. not tossed aside..

home means.. to celebrate.. not silence..

home.. to me means to dream.. to have hope.. to soar high in the big beyond.. to never come down till this world safer, better and more loving place to be..

home to me is beyond to the stars.. dreaming.. soaring.. flying high..

home to me is flying to see all our loved ones who have gone on before us.. but our hearts were desperately grieving over..

if home of flying was to ever end.. then home to me....
home to me.. would be dy*ng..


~a true dreamer who misses flights of flying~

K

not so great..

didnt have the best night last night.. and can tell this morning its going to need to be a weekend of trying to relax and get our thoughts back together..

we were invited to go to eat last night with a neighbor and his wife.. we agreed.. but wanting to really stay home.. anyway.. in the car they decided we were going to eat at golden coral..

immediately chatter started within.. but i was unable to grip what was going on and focus what was being said cause the lady we were with was talking so so loud in the front seat.. i was trying to answer her and listen to her repeat the same thing over and over (which she tends to do) plus hear what was going on inside.. but it just wasnt possible.. our lady neighbor talked non-stop the whole drive there.. loud! while her husband.. driving.. had music playing trying to drown out her voice.. it was chaos for us.. just too much.. and we werent even there yet..

well.. we get to the golden coral.. and every single parking place is filled in the restaurant.. and no joking.. people were lined back to back outside the place.. and the line was not moving.. my jaw dropped.. i was thinking... HOPING.. they would decide to just go somewhere else.. or even just go back home.. but no.. they circled.. and circled.. and again and again.. they were not giving up..

still all this chatter within.. getting louder and louder.. and the lady in the front getting louder cause im sure her tummy was REALLY talking to her now that she was "AT" this place of food.. i just kept trying to breathe.. deep breaths in and out.. trying hard so hard to stay present.. when i so bad just wanted to bolt and cry at the same time.. i dont know why..

her husband finally went over to the restaurant right next to it and parked in their parking lot.. and said.. "well.. are you ready for a walk?" i didnt say anything.. my thoughts were zooming though.. we were STILL going to eat at that other place.. even though it was packed full.. and people were flowing out the door and in a stand still.. i seriously wanted to throw up.. i felt so so sick..

when we got out of the car i was finally able to hear what was going on within.. and it wasnt good.. ones were angry.. scared.. screaming.. crying.. having mem's and flashback hit.. all surrounding the amount of people at this place.. and "the name" of the place.. the name had triggered memories and flashbacks..

there are some within who have memories of the step-father and members of the c*lt participating in some kind of cruel activity called "Golden Showers" as the kids and children within call it.. the kids and children are terrified talking about it.. and when the subject is approached they get sick.. feel embarassed.. try to hide themselves.. and feel very ashamed..

im catching on now why there are some of them that have bathroom issues.. why some have a very hard time using the bathroom if someone can hear them.. and in public bathrooms.. gosh even here at home and we have someone over they will try and hold it and hold it till the person leaves.. ive noticed they even have a hard time hearing themselves go.. its so sad..

maybe thats why i, myself, have a hard time in bathrooms.. i dont know.. but back to what i was talking about.. the name of the restaurant.. Golden Coral.. the Golden part.. set the memories off.. then when we saw all the people.. oh my gosh.. all of our anxiety just blew so high..

i couldnt stop pacing.. and the children kept pulling on my clothes.. the smaller ones wanted to s*ck their their thumbs sooo bad and just sit on the floor..

lil one just wanted to put her thumb in her mouth.. rock hard.. she was crying so hard within.. screaming for our t to get her out of there.. to save her from "the people".. corner was begging me and begging me to get him away from "the people".. that there was too too many.. he even went up to a worker there and asked her where a phone was that he had to make a important phone call to his t..

i knew the best thing for us was to just get it all over with and go.. so we ate.. but the company we were with ate.. and ate.. and ate.. 3 plate loads.. we had no idea where they were putting it all.. but after we ate we went outside and walked around.. i smoked a cig while trying to calm everyone.. and found myself depersonalizing.. NOT GOOD TIMING I MAY SAY!

im not sure how long i was outside.. but when i "came back to" if thats what you want to call it.. i went back inside.. and my friends husband was just finishing up.. thank goodness..

we left and came home.. made one call to our friend.. our neighbor wanted to play one game of rhummy.. so jesse played her one game.. then after she left.. we finally let it all go and just fell apart..

next time we are asked to go out to eat with them.. we are saying what we really want to say and not giving in.. we would of been much safer at home..

so today.. we are taking it very slow.. and easy..

K

trying to catch up.. but ITS ALL GOOD!

feels like its been a while since we have gotten to catch up on things here in our blog.. so we are happy to be taking this time to do that.. but ITS ALL GOOD!

we do have a few things to share.. one is we had a "meeting" last friday with our case manager, t, and community support provider.. we were so scared and nervous about going to.. seems we are always a bit scared about these meetings.. you know.. something we seem to notice is when they are done and over with.. we come out of them feeling.. "well, that wasnt so bad or so hard.." and "we did it!" we still tend to wonder why it is we get so scared about them.. we feel the others in these meetings are so much more over us.. we picture as if they are leaning over us with their fingers pointing down at us.. and we are so tiny and afraid.. feeling as if we have done something wrong to be punished for.. but after the meeting is over.. we are able to stand up and see.. WE ARE OK.. WE DID NOTHING WRONG AT ALL.. and WE ARE SAFE.. whats so cool about this last "meeting" is that we are no longer going to call it a "meeting".. we realize that word is another reason that makes it scary for us.. so we have changed the name for it.. its like PCI.. something.. cant remember the rest.. but anyway.. it helps us feel better about it..

things have been going well in t sessions.. we are working hard and things are moving along.. accomplishing things we need to.. and when we need to take a step back we have been reassured that its ok to.. but so far things are going well.. which really helps us within and out.. small things come up now and then and we do our best to work on them and move on.. we are very grateful for our t and the time and effort she puts into helping us.. and also all the encouragement she gives us.. as well as our community support provider..

we would also like to share something WONDERFUL with everyone this week but also that is need lots of tiny prayers about.. its regarding our sweet little neice Hannah..

we are just going to post the updates on her.. starting with mondays - wednesdays updates.. and as it looks like my oldest sister will be needing some of those tiny little prayers also.. heres the updates..

Monday - May 26th - Update.. (this is shared from my sisters writings she keeps about little Hannah)

Hannah is doing well. She's still got congestion from what appears to be a cold, but is hanging in there. She had a good day today. Today was Joan's last official day. She is planning on being at the hospital with us tomorrow. She was in good spirits, eager for the outcome of the next few days.

Please keep us all in your prayers. This week will be exciting, uncertain and trying. We will arrive at the hospital tomorrow morning @ 8am, surgery is at 9am, then to ICU. I will update the everyone as soon as I can tomorrow.

Tuesday - May 27 - Update..

Hannah is in PICU recovering from surgery now. She had the granuloma removed. The doctor said it was taking up approximately 1/3 of her airway. He removed the granuloma by going through her trach site (stoma). He had to c-t open (extend) her stoma slightly to get in there and do what he needed to do. There is some bl--d coming out of her trach right now but that should slow down soon.

She is currently in daddy's arms rocking in a rocking chair while sleeping. We have capped her trach and she's breathing on her own. We'll let you know how she is doing.

Other news....mommy fell down the stairs this morning right before we left for the hospital. I am about to leave to get some xrays of my arm....I promise, I'm not trying to steal Hannah's glory.

May 28th - Update..

Well, Hannah did really well overnight. She woke up every hour or so..probably due to pain or discomfort from the incision. Otherwise, she was good. Then, first thing this morning, the doctor came in and took her trach tube out. He did it in the room (I wasn't here, but Tim was) and it was rather anti-climactic! Anyway, she's been without it since 7am and seems to be doing fine. Her stoma (trach site) is covered with gauze and tape. The hole will close on it's own within a few days.

We have to stay here in ICU so the doctors and nurses can monitor her around the clock to make sure she's breathing ok. The doctor is looking for two things: her effort level to breath (retracting or pulling) and her ability to manage her secretions (cough up mucus on her own to clear her airway). So, hopefully just another 24 hours here and then we're released to go home with a healthy, trach-free toddler!

I couldn't imagine today.....I have no idea what tomorrow will be like or the next. But man...I am just excited! One day at a time....give us this day our daily bread. Thank you Jesus!

Oh, and one more thing...no broken bones. Just a sprained arm and finger. The little toe may be broken but he doesn't know for sure. He said if it heals in two weeks it's a sprain...if it heals in four weeks it's a break : ) gotta love doctors. Me? I'm walking funny and have a few bruises, but am doing fine.

we want to ask anyone who is willing to please whisper a few little tiny prayers for them.. we know the whole family right now could use them.. we miss our sister and her family an awful lot right now.. and to hear our sister fell.. yikes.. thought we were the clutz in the family!

we will be sending an email off to them tonight or tomorrow to let them know we are keep them in our thoughts and prayers and that we are asking others to say a few tiny prayers for them as well..

when our sister said..

"I couldn't imagine today.....I have no idea what tomorrow will be like or the next. But man...I am just excited! One day at a time....give us this day our daily bread. Thank you Jesus!"

we couldnt of put that any better at all.. its so true.. none of us have no idea what tomorrow may bring for us.. we have no idea what the day will be like when we wake up each day.. if we can learn to cherish each moment.. each day.. oh what a life we can lead.. and be grateful for.. and others will see that shining through you and want it for themselves..

isnt it great how much we learn from others when we are willing to learn.. willing to listen.. willing to open our hearts up and receive..

well.. thank you all for reading today.. please take care.. and know our thoughts are with each of you out there..

Ooops was about to close when we read update for our little hannah today that our sister wrote!!! here it is!!

Hannah is home and trach free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Yippee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Yahoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Yowee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Praise God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

umm....can you tell I'm a tad bit excited?

oh thank you JESUS for answered prayers!!!!!! time for us to get off here an go some rejoying and HAPPY DANCING!!!!

Dreaming2Fly System is dreaming to soar HIGH today

aint feelin nothin

like know im suppose to be feelin somethin with our CSP worker leavin an this new one comin in. aint nothin there in me tho. juz like sorda nothin. i look out when they roun us an feel nothin bout them or them comin or goin. like maybe it really dont matter to me or they dont. eh dont know. am not sure i really care bout it. or if i should. peeps are peeps. they have their own lives that dont include us. like why should it matter to me what they do? they do it to benefit their lives not any of us? we are juz like the bushes on the side of the road that peeps drive past on their way to somewhere else in life. some peeps stop temporarily but all of them like all ways leave an move on. no one would EVER take a stupid BUSH with them. like who would? they are useless. an forever annoyin! besides like nothin ever remains in anyones life forever. ya know - i really dont think i like that word anyhow. FOREVER SUX!

jesse

sinkin

can feel me sinkin. tho aint wantin to yak much with peeps bout it. juz wantin to be left alone. sorda like i aint trustin much of what peeps say anyhow with all that goshie gooshie i care crap they throw out automatically. like their trained to always say that first to a peep. ya never know if its for real anymore or juz a toss of words. i for one juz cant trust that. eh kinda makes me actually ill when they do it. big turn off! bleh think im makin myself sick to my gut yakin bout all this junk.

laters

jesse

what is it with some peeps?

ya know thats like a major question to me. what is it with some peeps? for real? ok so we found out while we have our sessions here at the house with our t an stuff that our neighbor an this old lady that lives here at this place well they actually listen at our back door! like how sick is that? can we not have any privacy roun here? juz think that is creepy man an totally sick-o-la! am thinkin maybe they should juz have our t sessions from now on stead of us. looks like they must need it if they gotta listen to peeps talk to one. rounchy creeps! juz makes me angry peeps gotta be so inconsiderate an rude. even old peeps who like you think would know better cuz they even have lived longer. guess they aint got nothin better to do with their lives so they gotta ease drop in on other peeps lives. grrrrr! sickos!

jesse

Getting to Know Someone New

we are very slowly being introduced to someone new.. what happened was our case manager resigned.. so this new person took her place for now.. when our community support provider finishes up her EMDR classes and becomes a liscensed T she will be moving up to a T role and will no longer work with us as a CSP.. thats when our new case manager will start working with us as a community support provider.. lots of switching around for us.. one thing does stay the same is our T, C, will still remain our T.. shew!

as of now there is alot of talk about this new CSP working with us.. and different ways we can get use to her.. also talk about our recent CSP leaving us.. so things are just a little odd for us.. we know good will come out of this somehow.. we are still a little scared about it.. but sometimes change can be scary for anyone..

we are getting to know our new CSP through emails.. its a start.. then we will be planning to meet up with her and our current CSP and spend time with both of them so we both can get to know each other better in person.. she has never worked with a multiple before.. so this is all new to her.. even though we are nervous.. we are more than willing to help in what ever way we can..

of course all the kids care about is if she will play with them.. lol..

well.. sorry to end this so soon tonight.. i didnt think changing servers was such work.. but it is.. still have much to do.. hope all is well for all out there..

Peace, Love & Harmony

K

Beautiful Impressions

theres been many many times over the last several months that ive wanted to write about something - someone.. who has been on my heart.. in my thoughts and prayers.. many times ive started writing an email to.. a letter to.. or send a thinking of you gift to.. but then i get scared.. so one of my inner ones.. jamie.. mentioned to me about writing a letter on paper but not sending it.. just to get the words out i wanted to say.. so a week ago i did that.. it helped alot.. but i still think of this old friend we knew.. wishing she knew how i felt.. or at least wishing she knew she was in my thoughts and not forgotten..

there are so many people who come and go into our lives.. some we dont know long enough to get the chance to really find out much about them and their lives.. their are others we quickly find out that are not good for us to be around and that we have to shelter ourselves from in order to keep ourselves safe from harm.. then..... there are others.. who come into our lives like beautiful gardens.. that bring us such sunshine.. and inrich our lives with more than we could ever ask for.. the joy in conversations we share.. the understanding through the hard times.. the tears shared on both ends through happy and sad times.. and for both parties to know they had a shoulder to lean on helped so much..

then... something happens.. and its all lost.. communication starts to fail.. talking through computers is hard enough you cant hear the other persons tone, expressions and sometimes exactly how things are actually put and said.. distance in the friendship gets worse and worse.. making communication even harder.. so when you try to start communicating again theres some tension there.. disappointment.. hurt.. maybe even anger.. theres fighting.. disagreements.. then trying hard to start over and over when hurt is still there from words said earlier in disagreements..

i wish i had had the oppertunity to be there side by side with that friend.. and share with her.. how much i loved.. and still love her.. how much i wished i could of taken jesse's eraser she wrote about and erased all those times like that.. and that i wish she could of heard my voice speaking gently to her and not in a harsh tone all those times she thought i was speaking harsh.. upset or angry..

i would want her to know how much she was a true blessing in my life.. how much she taught me.. and how much i appreciated her every day.. how much i appreciated all the encouraging things she said to me.. how she stood by me.. and loved me when i couldnt love myself..

... and.. how much of a beautiful impression she has made not only in my life.. but in our entire systems lives..

ive made mistakes in my life.. im sure everyone has.. im not perfect.. im only human.. i can only ask forgiveness for those mistakes i make.. to stand back up again.. to do my best to learn from those mistakes.. and keep moving forward.. but to always pray for the help i and guidance i need in making not only our lives better but the lives that we come into contact with better too.. even if its with a good morning smile.. or a conversation about their day.. or offering to help them with something..

so.. this morning.. id like to wish all out there a good day.. or as my old friend taught me.. lets see if i can remember..

G' day mate!
in my thoughts.. (((((((((((((((((((((B)))))))))))))))))))

much love..

K