cant sleep..

took meds quite a while ago.. all ive done is toss and turn.. wish i could rest.. not sure what it is thats keeping me up..

sad day for us..

today was a hard day for us.. the picture above was our cat Lil Bit.. this morning we had to take him into the shelter.. he has been sick and been getting worse.. and it would of cost over one thousand dollars for a surgery for him.. we didnt have that type of money.. we searched many types of organizations for they, but all of them were out of funds.. Lil Bit was suffering alot.. the only option for him left was to be put to sleep..

we are so sad this had to happen.. and just so shocked how out of all the places we have around here for animal help.. and every one of them do not have funds to help low income families with their beloved pets when it comes to emergency type things.. we are deeply grieving losing Lil Bit.. and feel as if we do not deserve anymore pets in our lives anymore.. this has crushed us..

it was so hard for us to ride back in the car with his carrier in the back seat and him not in it.. and then to come in the house and see all his belongings.. his toys.. his litter box.. his bed.. his pictures.. and other things.. ones within just keep sobbing..

me... i just feel numb... i dont know where my feelings or emotions are.. their locked inside somewhere.. wish i could of been the one they were putting down instead of Lil Bit.. all this wasnt Lil Bits fault.. it was mine.. i was the one who didnt take the 100% best care of him.. or he wouldnt be like this.. its not his fault..

K

back to writing..

we have been needing to be back here for some time now.. we think this will help us get alot out..

we have had alot on our minds and hearts for a while now.. and as you can tell by the hour this is being written its still effecting our sleep cycle.. so we hope that beginning writing in here again will help us some..

K

IF ONLYS.......

IF ONLYS

• if only i could of made better decisions.........
• if only i would of been there.....
• if only i could trust.....
• if only i could believe.......
• if only i knew....
• if only i could help them see...
• if only i could help them understand....
• if only someone knew....................

if onlys....

i know theres so many more "if onlys".. they run through my mind.. some of the "if onlys" i even feel in my heart.. deep inside me though i know some of them will never in my existence happen.. they will remain an "if only".. "a wish".. a painful wish at that..

i try to go each day now with just taking it moment by moment.. dont like hearing the ticking of clocks.. its started to bother me.. not sure why..

this weekend has not been the best of weekends.. starting with friday.. i had a seizure in our T's office.. i dont remember very much of the session.. we didnt get to really even have a session.. we had pretty much just started.. she had said it was maybe 20 minutes into the session.. i only remember a few things before it happened.. then i was barely in and out until after i was at the hospital and they were trying to get me to come around..

i was very sore.. tired and really confused.. we had a few complications with ones within when it came to nurses needing to do things the doctor needed.. it was not a good situation for any of us.. and we are very lucky none of the nurses got bit by one of our younger ones within.. came close..

when this happened at our T's office.. it scared our T.. i would never in my life want to do anything that would scare her or hurt her.. and now im scared.. embarrassed.. ashamed.. feel like ive hurt her.. i dont want her to be scared of me now or scared to be around me.. but even i want to hide from people..

i dont know what it looks like from the outside when this happens.. and if its enough to scare someone i dont want to be around others.. if they didnt think i was a freak before cause i am multiple now they really will think i am..

if only i had never told anyone what was going on with the body.. and if only i hadnt of been there last friday for some reason.. if only if only if only........ im so ashamed...

why cant i just be normal???

K

not obeying the "rules" by calling on HER bday

its the first time we aint obeyed the rules of the fam by calling the mother on her bday. we have walked on egg shells pretty much all day long. waiting for that "you are no good!" or "what kind of daughter are you!" call. its usually one of us that gives in an makes a call. eh but none has this time. too much other sh!t goin down besides that. like we got other stuff we thinkin bout. am missin horse sessions. like i did kinda like doin those. liked the smell of the horses an barn. i liked communicating with the horses through thoughts. they like knew what i was sayin an stuff. juz stuff that was too hard to say to peeps. yakin to peeps has gotten hard. mean like eh spillin out ya beans ya know? heck i aint even all that good with surface yak. bleh! peeps say in time it gets easier. donno ya know? but eh was juz reminded. nobody can make us do anything we dont wanna do. so like we are not obligated to call the mother even if it is her bday. we are not obligated to follow rules of the past by our absers. we do have a choice in the here and now. like in the present. for i. i choose NO WAY!

laters

jesse or jess the mess

dont know where im at..

i honestly dont know where im at anymore.. im so confused by everything.. my impulses and urges are stronger than ever.. and i keep relapsing over and over again with the crack use.. im literally hating myself cause i just cant or wont stay away from it.. i just keep returning.. and the person giving it to me seems to know just the right words to say to get me over there to use with this person.. or send people to my door with it knowing its going to be so hard to turn away..

my head is so cluttered.. it feels like its going to explode.. the amount of crack i had been doing does not work anymore.. it takes more now.. i dont know whats going to k-ll me first.. the crack.. or myself from the shame.. disgust.. and hate of me using..

i have needed to get out of this setting place i live in for months now.. but there have been no places for me to go.. it has only left me more and more hopeless.. so hopeless that ive thought of returning to our abusers home state.. just to get out of here.. we know we will not be safe there.. but.... we are not safe here.. and at least we will be getting away from the drugs here.. sadly though.. we will be leaving behind the wonderful people we cherish most of all.. our T.. our case manager.. our CSP.. a good friend we dearly love.... and.... our birth children..

separating ourselves from our birth children and T will be the most diffic-lt ones.. but our birth children are with another loving family now.. who is raising them and will provide them with everything they could ever want or need.. they surround them with the most tender love.. we will still miss them though..

leaving our T.. we will grieve hard.. she has seen us though thick and thin.. good times and bad.. listened to us laugh.. and cry.. held our hands when we were scared.. taught us many skills and opened our eyes to many possibilities.. and shared experienced new ideas both of us would come up with..

i, Kat, do not feel its fair though.. to keep putting her though more of this ordeal of my crack use.. and my SU ideation.. urges.. and even plans at times.. its not fair to her.. ive prayed and prayed for God to just take me.. but as they say in His time he will.. there are sometime and reasons i just cant wait on His time.. im messing up too too much.. and its effecting other peoples lives.. and hurting them.. i have to draw a line somewhere..

im working on making peace with my decision.. at least i can know crack will no longer disrupt our lives and ruin things in our lives anymore.. and i wont ruin things in it by using it or giving into it..

i wish it could be easy enough that i just fade away my appearance from earth as a being.. but it doesnt work that way..

as for now.. its early in the morning.. and i must sleep..

Kat

been a while..

thought id come in and write a little.. cant stay too long.. alot has happened in several months.. too much to get into right now..

i guess all i can really say is i have a long road ahead of me still.. and at times im so scared..

i am grateful our T and support team has been there with us.. the journey we walk right now is not a familiar one..

Knall

we will be away..

we will be away for some time due to other obligations now that are fulfilling our lives and time..

we will not have the time to visit any blogs or forums..

we hope to be able to return one day..

to all our friends and readers.. be safe and we love you..

marlo

may be to stay in dark. think dark where i be long not here. clinic lady not the same i meet. light scare me now dark i be long to stay hold with secrets.

just writing to try to get things out..

its my turn.. taken the time to take those deep breaths.. feels like my thoughts and emotions are going too fast for me right now.. ealier was getting hard to talk.. and i was shutting down.. feeling so ashamed.. like i just couldnt do anything right.. not say the right things.. think the right things.. feel the right way.. if there is a right way to feel? i dont know.. was just feeling very confused.. and ashamed and embarassed cause i of something that scares me and some within.. i was getting too caught up in things that had not even happened yet.. but the thought of them happening or the day coming and things not being set up ahead of time scared me to d*ath.. not just me though.. ones within have been talking and are so frightened of all of this too..

we are ones who just like to know set plans.. and how things are going to work.. yes it will still be hard on us but it helps in a way so we can try our hardest to keep an even balance within and not get stuck.. change throws us for a loop pretty bad.. and if theres a break or gap in that loop somewhere we are sent in a downward spiral..

i felt so stupid and ashamed that i simply couldnt answer what were simple questions on the phone to someone.. and simple request of things i could do.. i seemed like i was making it sound totally impossible.. im so embarassed.. its no wonder people get so upset and frustrated with me.. from the bottom of my heart i dont mean to do this.. i dont.. i dont know why i am so scared.. why even now i feel myself trapping in my words not wanting them to ever come out again.. why i feel its easier not to speak than to say whats hard..

i just would so much rather go to bed.. hold back the tears and try to force myself to sleep.. i want to be better.. i dont want to be some freak anymore.. i dont want to frustrate and upset people anymore with what i do.. it hurts me so bad i do that.. it only makes me want to end my life bad because i do that to others.. i litterly h8te how i am.. who i am..

i dont haave confidence in myself.. i think im understading why.. cause i just screw things up all the time..

the mother said at one point i was a mistake.. ... maybe so.. i know thats all i seem to do well is make them..

K