What Will it Take?

today was such a horrible day.. i almost wish i had not woken up for it.. i got my first taste today of how it feels to be discriminated against.. its sad and it hurts very deeply.. because we live a life of multiplicity we are not able to be treated at some hospitals.. to me "we are not more less welcome there".. not even given the chance to see if they could of helped us or not.. they shut the doors on us before they were even willing to try.. this brought up so much stuff from our past.. feelings of rejection and feelings that we didnt matter to people.. words the mother use to say.. like "you will never amount to anything".. and more.. why is it so hard for people to open their eyes and open their minds and learn about DID/MPD rather than to gawk at us, make fun of us and not want to know.. wouldnt it be so much easier for them to want to learn and have knowledge how to handle situations and how to deal with people with different illness.. we are totally crushed by all of this.. shock first shot through us when we were told.. then overwhelming horror.. anger came flooding through on how society these days looks at people with mental illness and it just saddened me.. i couldnt help but break down and just sob..


in the past we were forced to live our life in shame.. then growing into our adulthood we were able to let go of some of that.. today.. we were slammed face down back into that shame once more.. it breaks my heart to feel ashamed that i live a life with mental illness that i have no control over.. but even more.. that people continually stomp on our hearts and wings that we so try to spread and grow to fly on our own.. we all just wonder.. what will it take to be accepted and loved like everyone else.. dont we count and matter too?

heartbroken,

K

From Under this Cloud

ive had to step back and take a break in writing.. it seemed as if my words were not even coming to me clearly enough to speak.. i have been hitting some rough spots lately and have been withdrawing more instead of reaching out.. i know from past experience that reaching out is whats going to help me get through this, but the old ways kick in and take over.. its hard to retrain myself to new ways when what ive done for so long is pull back.. though with the support of our t, care provider, case manager and few friends i am still hanging in there.. i havent fully seen any clearning amongst the clouds of confusion and sadness yet, but i am still here..

the very hard part for me to understand is where all this is coming from.. why am i falling and sinking so low into such a desparate depression.. why does the end of life feel so much more of a comfort to me.. somewhere deep within someone must know what is going on.. and what id like to be able to do is reach that one within and tell them how much they are loved and cared for even though they may feel they are worthless and not worth fighting for..

growing up were heard awful things.. repeated to us over and over.. these tapes still play in the back of our minds.. specially when triggered.. we hear things like "your not worth it", "your never amount to anything", "its all your fault", "no one cares about how you feel", "cant you do anything right?", "get out of my face, you make me sick" and so on.. when we hear the voices of the people that have hurt us say these things.. they bring up memories of the times they have been said.. what hapening when they were said.. we always can remember the picture of the persons face saying it.. and on some occasions we can remember how we felt after it was said.. not all occasions.. some of the feelings were blocked.. and some just experienced numbness..

i look forward to the day we can stop listening to the tapes that are playing within or that we build our own tapes we can listen to.. positive ones.. ones to help build us up and set us free.. and we will.. in due time.. one day we will be free.. from all this bondage and hurt that is buried deep within us.. and then.. boy oh boy will we soar high..

Peace, Love & Harmony,

K

It's OK to Breathe

we have the saying stuck in our heads "It's OK to Breathe" from our old T we use to see.. she taught that saying to us.. she reminded us when times got too hard we would forget to stop and breathe.. and she was always right.. we would get so wound up.. going on about our day.. struggling with events happening in our lives not thinking to stop and take a breath and relax.. when she would give us homework assignments she would tend to put "It's OK to Breathe" on the bottom of the homework with a smile beside it to remind us while we were doing our homework to stop and take those needed breaths once an a while which were so needed.. and again.. she was right.. it was desperately needed.. cause the homework at times got heavy or frustrating for us..

the breathing would clear our minds.. sending oxygen to our brain that we were needing.. during those deep breaths we could bring in the peace and quiet around us and block out any distractions.. centering ourselves.. she taught these deep breathing methods to all of us.. including the littles within.. she wanted all of us to know how important it was to use them and why.. it grounded us during times when we were struggling.. and help at times when there was a crisis going on around us..

this wonderful T has now moved and we work with a new T now but we still use the deep breathing methods and repeat the phrase "It's OK to Breathe".. matter of fact we have the saying written on a erase board on the side of our refridgerator so we can see it everytime we walk in the kitchen.. reminding us:

1. of how special our T was..
2. to remember to breathe..
3. that its OK to breathe and take all the time we need to do it..

try it sometime.. remind yourself that "It's OK to Breathe".. and to take all the time you need to do it.. maybe you can find some peace like we do in your deep breathing.. we hope so..

Peace, Love & Harmony to all..

K n all

Two Steps Back

today i can only sit back and let the world go on without me in it.. pondering on all kinds of things.. but not able to speak about them.. they are trapped inside my heart and mind.. rustling all about within.. leaving me unable to concentrate, unable to sleep, unable to eat and unable to participate in things i usually can do.. my heart is very discouraged.. i know i can not stay like this long.. i will have to move from this spot.. there are too many things that need to be done.. but i also know i will be doing those things numbingly.. im beginning to shut down on my emotions.. i know why all this is happening.. its because ive been hurt.. and im trying to protect myself the best way i know how.. and thats to go deep within myself so i cant receive anymore hurt than ive already gotten..

i feel like each time i make such good progress.. i get smacked down by something or someone in the outside world and it sets me back.. setting me back from where i was.. then i build myself up again walk back up those steps i lost and make more progress and then once again i am smacked back down.. i just dont get it.. does it drive others nuts to see certain people doing well and doing good that they have to make them feel like crap and knock them down? to me, thats such a waste of engergy and time.. i will just keep getting up again and keep making progress no matter what.. the only ones wasting energy and time is the ones who are doing the knocking down..

i will just make a dance of it if i have to.. two steps forward and one step back from now on.. no longer will i be taking two steps back..

sincerely yours,

K

If Only I Had Wings

If only I had wings
I'd fly away from here
To a land of peace and love
to a life that had no fear

If only I had wings
I'd fly to you each day
And whisper in your ear
"I Love You", is what I would say

If only I had wings
I'd take you flying with me
We could go anywhere
and everything we could see

If only I had wings
I could fly out of sight
I could leave all these daily struggles
and give up on all this fight

If only I had wings
maybe I could find life once more
Maybe I'd find my hope
and see that life's worth living for

If only I had wings...

© Copyright by K

Crossing Bridges

we've come to a point where we realize that we are going to need to make some serious changes in our lives.. its gotten to the point where too many things are effecting us and getting us down and in the end we are getting hurt.. we've stepped back and taken a look at some of these things and cannot get a grasp on what has all happened nor why things have fallen apart.. but we feel its time to stop, take a look at whats going on and make some changes.. and this time for the better of our system.. not changes that will please everyone else like we always do..

we have always tried to be the ones who just say ok and not stand our ground.. or stand up for what we feel is right.. we have been the ones to keep quiet and not use our voice when things were dealt wrong.. well.... its time for some changes..

we are crossing over this bridge to a new side.. learning how to make some of these changes.. slowly as we go things and issues will be dealt with.. weaning in and out all the stuff and people in our lives that either need to be let go or kept.. this will be hard.. cause its something we have never had to do or had the courage to do.. but for the safety of our system and to keep us going on a positive track ahead.. its something we must do..

one step at a time.. one day at a time.. little by little.. we will get to where we need to be..

Peace, Love & Harmony to all..

K

Is Life Better Down There?

have you ever wondered if life may be just a tad bit easier for these big fellows with their heads stuck in the ground from time to time.. its something ive felt i'd love to do every now and then.. when life gets so frustrating and i feel like just giving in.. it might would be nice to just take a break from society and stick my head in the ground.. then i wouldnt hear the rustle and bustle of traffic.. the argue and bickering of friends, relatives or family.. i wouldnt have to hear or "see" pretty much of anything.. it would be nice.. though i wouldnt be using much of my skills if i did it that way..

this is just a short but sweet entry.. just needed to find a way to release some frustration.. and looking at this picture helped me.. it helped me get away from it.. lol.. things are going to be ok..

sweet dreams everyone..

K

Memories Coming to Surface

memories are starting to come to surface regarding the mother and i.. havent recovered all of this particular one yet but pieces of it.. in this one i seem to be around high school age.. we were driving to school in the morning.. we seem to of done it many times like this because the feeling in the memory was that i was sick of going through it.. sick of it happening over and over like it was.. tired of the life of saddness.. anyway.. we had been having some fight about something.. i was crying and upset and the mother was totally angry.. red in the face.. yelling.. frustrated.. and so mad that she was spitting while she talked.. when she had parked the car in front of the school to drop me off she just glared.. i had opened the door to get out and she said she wasnt picking me up from school and to take the bus home or to get my sister to take me.. she never said she loved me or bye or nothing.. just drove off.. i ran inside hiding my face behind my book as much as possible.. there were not that many kids at school yet.. i ran to my locker.. opened it up as fast as i could and just hid my face in my locker and sobbed.. as hard as i could but as quietly as i could.. wishing god could heal my family.. wish so bad god could take away all the pain within my body and my life.. just wishing this and that.. then.. in the end.. wishing i was dead.. that i just didnt have to live the pain anymore.. to never have to face another day like that again.. to never have to see the mothers face like that again.. to hear the words she was saying.. the hurt she was spouting off.. my heart litterly just sunk inside that locker.. i wished.. that i could just have crawled inside that locker and never have come out again or be found inside of there..

in the memory.. im not sure how long i stood there at my locker.. but one of my friends came down the hall.. saw me upset and just wrapper her arms around me.. when i had caught my breath we talked.. i told her what happened and how i was feeling.. she wanted me to see the nurse and talk to her.. but i was scared.. she held my hand and said she wouldnt leave me.. so hand in hand we went.. and she never left my side.. the nurse and i talked.. i was so nervous to talk to someone.. to tell someone about myself and what was going on.. the nurse just listened.. she calmed my fears down.. everything slowed down for me.. i was able to breath again and relax some.. someone was hearing me..

after we talked.. the nurse had me check in during the day and for the next few days.. then after that she would have me stop by from time to time just to sit and chat for a few.. ill never forget the friend who surrounded me with her caring arms in time of need.. nor will i never forget the wonderful nurse who showed such kindness from her heart and who took time out of her day to listen to me when i felt my life was in such a wreck.. im thankful i didnt try to end it that day and that i lived to share this story to share how much i appreciate them..

Peace, Love & Harmony to all..

K

Not Feeling Up to Par

we had a long night.. not feeling so well.. having problems with our stomach and other matters i wont bring up here.. lol.. but has left us feeling kind of icky today.. trying to drink water to wash anything going on through us.. i know some of the ones within dont find water too appealing so ive added so of those propel lemon flavored packets to our water bottles.. that helps.. its got vitamin C in them.. anyway.. whatever works.. right?

the inner kids have been writing down things they want for their birthday/celebration day on june 25th.. ill have to wait to see what we can afford but not sure.. i know they will understand though.. heres what they have so far..

wess, lil sue, lil dreamers, and bud has asked for the movies toy story 1 & 2..

nono has asked for a movie with curious george in it.. not sure how you spell that monkeys name so forgive me..

corner wants another new dinosaur to play with..

heather wants a pen pal to swap stickers with..

jesse has asked for psp9 or some new crafts to do..

amy D. wants a new small teddy bear..

lil one wants some my little ponies..

and allen, cory, daniel, lynn and emily want a new nitendo game..

im not sure about some of these.. it might be hard for me to find heather a pen pal.. and i dont think i can afford any psp9.. i might have to do only 1 movie a month.. till they have what they want.. i, myself, wanted to get them their own toy box.. i had ditched their old one and never replaced it yet.. i dont know.. like i said i will have to see..

thats one thing about us.. we work as a team.. maybe not all the time.. and might fuss at each other sometimes.. but we always figure something out in the end.. *wink*

Peace, Love & Harmony to all..

K

Turn Around of Events

theres been so much going on for us inside and out.. just trying to keep up has been a challenge.. with Mothers Day done and gone now we can try and focus more on other things now though..

lil one is now starting to come out of her box more and more.. slowly but surely.. the other kids are excited to see her.. all the littles will be celebrating their b-days on june 25th.. it is a special time for them.. some of them just call it a celebration day and some call it their birthday.. to me all in all its one huge wonderful day for all of them.. this is the day they picked a long time ago for their celebration day.. all except for spinner.. he wanted to be green for his special day.. so his day is on St. Patty's Day.. his first one this year and he decided he wanted to age to 7 years old.. that he was ready.. he has done well since.. hes worked very hard getting to where he is today.. he no longer has scares of other people in the 3D world instead he knows how to handle a tough situation by getting someone older to deal with it.. before he would just fall apart and run as fast as his legs could take him in the opposite direction..

as for the bodys birthday that is the next month.. july.. oh what joy.. humm.. i do believe i say that with sarcasim.. 36 will be the next step for this one.. not sure if time is moving slower or going any faster.. at times it feels as if its almost standing still..

things with the T has been going ok.. been working hard.. had some success with beth and a few others.. things with our care provider also has been working out well.. she and us seem work out so well together.. all of us get along with her.. really helps..

ive noticed the fibromyalgia seems to be taking a turn on the body.. moving to the next stage on us.. leaving the arms so weak.. at time even unable to do things.. will find myself washing our hair in the shower and just so weak that i have to rest the arms.. at times will even cry because of the pain in the arms is so great.. leaving me so weak.. the fibro is now affecting the legs as well.. leaving us weak in the legs.. no longer able to hop.. jump.. or even skip without pain.. running is no longer an option for us.. we have not been able to run for some time now due to the fibro.. this is just another thing in life i will have to work on accepting.. its taken away a life we use to have.. thats the sad part.. but at least we still have the joy of looking around and experiencing life still.. thank goodness..

Peace, Love and Harmony to all..

K