Restless Within Tonight

Hiya, Seems to be our System is quite restless within tonight. So I'm up making round about checks. Thought I'd stop in an drop a line while I was here. Never posted on this blog before, so I'll introduce myself. I'm Falcon. One of the Protector's with the Dreaming2Fly System. I work side-by-side with Jamie. Another Protector with our System. Though she's quite a bit more organized and structured than I am. I am not much of a socialable one, stay more to the background until called upon or when crisis times arise. Stick mainly to my duties within and help out where needed. We have several different Systems within so sometimes my duties call me to other Systems. My job is never boring, but takes a lot of time and patience. I am rather proud of how well each of our Systems have been holding out and working together. As of now, our System (Dreaming2Fly System) is the ones most actively working in T session's. They are doing well. As time moves on I will be looking forward to our other Systems hopefully getting involved as well. Step-by-Step though. It's all a process.

Closing up for tonight. Thanks for allowing me to introduce myself and have this chat with you. Over an out.

Falcon

wouldn it be cool?

wouldn it be cool if ya could juz erase any day ya wanted to. id have maybe lots of days id wanna erase. one of them would be yesterdays session with our t. yah. i didn like it at all what was talked bout. even if juz small details was given by one within. i still didn like it. kinda makes me feel real shaky an nervous. like i juz would rather pop out of existence instead of knowin any of it was even brought up. its not that i dont like trust our t or nothin like that. eh i dunno maybe its the rest of the peeps in the world an stuff i dont trust. an i aint the only one its stirred up inside. its got everyone goin haywire. everyone inside is freakin out. so what ya say? wouldn it be cool if we could juz erase any day we wanted to. aint talkin bout blockin them out tho. am talkin bout juz totally erasin them so they woulda never even happened. id say thats one dang heck of a awesome eraser! i'll take 2 of them an keep one for spare ya know juz in case. haha. ya never know who else might need one. whats that ya say? would ya like one?


go ahead - erase away!


jesse

1 year anniv. tomorrow

it will be 1 year tomorrow that we last saw our old t.. we cant believe how time has gone by like it has.. seems like just a few days ago that she left.. feels like it too.. still hurts.. the tears still flow.. we had been seeing her for almost (we think) 4 years.. we shared some really awesome moments with her.. great memories.. and alot of private issues.. discovered many skills we had and put them to use and deep within ourselves we found a friend on the outside who cared for us and "loved" us.. something that was quite odd to see from people in the work fields.. we can honestly tell you she was a honest to goodness true blessing to our lives..

the day we were told she was leaving and moving away we broke down and fell apart within.. we never wanted to hear those words.. so many different feelings came up for us.. we kept blaming ourselves.. like as if we weren't working hard enough in t sessions that she just wanted to move on and give up on us.. huge abandonment issues.. all we could do was cry and cry for days.. and weeks.. we pretended as hard as we could for others that "we were ok or we had it together", but in no possible way did we have it together at all.. but for that time wearing those mask was the only thing that kept us going and people away from bothering us and pestering us with tons of questions.. we just wanted to be left alone..

we were introduced to our new t before our old t had left.. our new t seemed nice and eager to work with us and get to know us.. we didn't know what to say at the time..

as time has gone by we have gotten to know our new t better.. shes really worked out quite well for us.. though we think of our old t every day and miss her.. we truly are thankful we had the chance of working with our old t for the years we did and the time she took reaching out to us, caring for us, showing her love for us and teaching us so much.. we are very grateful..

we are also truly grateful she asked such a sweet lady to step in and be our new t.. and to watch over us.. these 2 women have been such amazing people we have ever met.. they have taught us so much and been such a guidance for us..

of course there will always be hard times we may face.. but together we work through them... and move on.. but not without always learning something new along the way..

we hope our old t stops at least for a moment tomorrow and thinks of us.. we know we will be thinking of her..

as for our new t.. (smiles) we will be spending a little time together tomorrow to "celebrate" our old t's one year anniv.. we are not quite sure how we "celebrate" it.. but.. we will learn.. we are always open to learning new and better things..

Peace, Love & Harmony..

K n all

MARTHA!! AND STAY OUT!

YOU KEEP REPEATING OUR WORDS ARE JUST EXCUSES! OUR WORDS ARE NOT EXCUSES ONLY THE TRUTH! BUT OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING YOU CAN'T STAND TO HEAR BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT IN NOR HAVE NEVER BEEN IN THE POSITION WE LIVE IN. WHAT MORE IS THERE LEFT TO BE SAID TO ANYONE? WELL???? UNTIL YOU HAVE WALKED DIRECTLY THE PATH WE HAVE WALKED AND IN OUR SHOES, DON'T ACT LIKE YOU "KNOW IT ALL" CAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW A GD THING!! WE DO WHAT "WE" KNOW IS BEST FOR US BECAUSE WE "KNOW US" BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE AND WE CAN PROTECT OURSELVES BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE. PEOPLE IN LIFE FAIL TO PROTECT WAY TOO OFTEN THAT'S WHY WE CAN NEVER RELY ON PEOPLE FOR HONEST SAFETY. WE AT LEAST HA! THOUGHT WE COULD COME TO YOU AND ASK FOR HELP BY TAKING US TO THE LANDRY MAT SO WE COULD WASH OUR CLOTHES SINCE WE HAVE FELT THE SAFENESS WITH YOU AND SINCE YOU KNEW WHAT TO DO IN CASE ANYONE WITHIN CAME OUT OR ANY CRISIS CAME ABOUT. WE WERE FOOLS TO TRUST IN YOU! WE NEVER THOUGHT IT WOULD COME TO A POINT WHERE OUR GROCERIES WOULD BE EFFECTED TOO! WITH AS MUCH SO CALLED "KNOWLEDGE" YOU HAVE REGARDING US AND OUR PAST AND HOW SENSITIVE WE ARE TO STRANGERS AND SETTINGS PLUS SURROUNDS IN STORES.

YOU KNOW - ITS ALL USELESS! YOU NEVER HAVE REALLY LISTENED. I FOR ONE NEVER REALLY FELT YOU CARED. JUST WAITED FOR THE OTHERS TO CATCH UP AND SEE THAT. I HOPE THEY GET A GOOD GLANCE NOW AND KEEP THE DOOR LOCKED AND WINDOWS SHUT AND DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE WHEN YOU CALL ANYMORE. CAUSE YOU KNOW, THIS REALLY WASN'T A PLEASURE!!!!

CHA!! CHA!! CHA!!

MARTHA!

Update on our Niece

we want to thank everyone who has been saying some of those Tiny Little Prayers out there.. we wish to ask you to please.. continue them..

we got updates on our little niece, Hannah..

we didnt get a chance yesterday to mention in our writings about the hole in little Hannah's heart.. that is the reason she sees a cardiologist.. so yesterdays visit was to find out if the hole was closing at all or what condition it was in..

what they found out was the hole has increased in size and the cardiologist was concerned about the placement of the hole.. since it is large and near the top of the chamber.. that means the hole cannot be fixed with a catheter.. it will have to be patched through open heart surgery..

he told our sister possibilities that would not impact Hannah still getting her trach removed.. one is have surgery in the next few weeks or watch and wait until after her trach is removed.. he recommended moving forward with the surgery as soon as possible.. it would be a 3-4 day stay in the hospital as long as nothing else happened.. and everything went good..

the cardiologist is convinced that after recovery Hannah will be bouncing around the room.. will no longer be winded.. tired after physical therapy.. oxygen levels will be positively affected.. in fact it just may fix that whole issue all together..

our sister will be given more information early next week after he meets with other surgeons and cardiologist on Friday..

we know how hard this is going to be for our sister having her youngest going back in the hospital once again.. we cant help but cry for and with her.. our heart just breaks for the entire family..

once again.. we are asking.. please.. will you put this whole family in those "Tiny Little Prayers" ..

.... thank you...


All of Us with Dreaming2Fly System

"Tiny Little Prayers"

today we would like to share about "Tiny Little Prayers"..

Tiny Little Prayers are something very special to us.. its something we've only done with people whom we could really trust and believe that they would listen to what we were saying and asking in these Tiny Little Prayers.. and follow through..

whenever hard times hit for someone we really care for, or for us. Or if someone we know may be ill, hurting, in danger, or possibly in danger of hurting themselves or someone else.. or some situation that is going to take more than just one voice or hand raised above to the Lord to heal or bring an answer to whatever may be happening.. thats when we turn first to the Lord, then we turn to our closest friends and ask them to say a Tiny Little Prayer.. and we share with them whats going on..

well.. tonight.. we would like to turn to all of you out there who are willing to say a few Tiny Little Prayers for some very special people in our lives..

first we would like to share with yall we run a survivors of abuse forum.. we need to ask for a few Tiny Little Prayers for some of our members in the forum.. two of our members are fighting cancer, while at the same time trying their hardest to deal with their daily lives, their family, their relatives (whom some are toxic) and their own personal emotions and feelings their having to go through because of the cancer itself..

also.. several of our members have been extremely down, been going through meds changes, sometimes off meds, desperately wanting to end their life and not finding any answers or solutions to anything anymore for them.. for them they feel like doctors are not helping or understanding, t's are not helping, listening or understanding, and they see no light at the end of the tunnel.. their have been some that self-harm just to try to escape from the feelings or even numbness they may have.. so im asking.. please.. will you.. if you dont mind.. saying a few Tiny Little Prayers for them also..

now.. this is regarding someone very, very dear to us.. this is our very own little niece we ask this Tiny Little Prayer for.. please..

we have never got to meet our niece cause we live quite a ways from her.. but we keep in touch with our sister when we can plus we are always reading up on Little Hannah's Blog that our sister started not too long after Hannah was put in the hospital when Hannah's problems began for her.. this was Feb. 19th, 2007..

Hannah would have times where she would stop breathing.. her oxygen levels would go from high 90's/100 to the 40's/50's/60's..

at that time they ran a whole lot of test on her.. didnt get much answers.. they put a trach in her and put her on a ventilator..

over time they also noticed that Hannah's head was growing at a much faster rate than her body.. they never could figure it out..

Hannah got released from the hospital in April of 2007.. she celebrated her first birthday at home with many ups and downs in between.. my sister was so worn.. we felt her pain for her child.. all we could do was cry reading their blog..

moving up to speed.. Hannah's head is finally catching up to her body.. thats the good news.. and the plan is that Hannah gets her trach removed in April!!

the not so good news.. Hannah's oxygen levels have been very low when she sleeps.. my sister and her husband have been trying to get some information trach clinic, doctors, hospitals and others.. Hannah should of never left the hospital back in April.. the doctors then knew Hannah's SAT (oxygen saturation) levels were not accurate.. so all this time.. Little Hannah has been losing oxygen while she sleeps..
Hannah ran a low grade fever today and has had more secretions.. not sure whats going on with her yet.. still waiting for updates.. she had an appt with the cardiologist today too..

sorry this was so long.. but.. please.. could you say (lots) of Tiny Little Prayers for our niece and their family..


Love, Peace & Harmony,

K n all

Things Looking Up Some

its late for us.. an we are tired.. but we wanted to write before we headed off to bed.. we had another session with our t yesterday (friday).. we believe it went well.. we were nervous and actually scared to go into session.. so many things were running through our minds.. and so many within running in opposite directions within closing doors.. afraid they would be called upon..

throughout the session several of them within would crack their doors open to listen but wouldnt come out.. our sweetest lil one though hasnt actually been out of her room in quite some time.. not even here at the house.. she got a new Adora doll here for her to play with but she wont come out and play with her.. she cries off and on in her room within the body.. and we all know why shes sad like this.. but there is nothing we can do to help her feel better.. her heart has been severely broken someone she really cared for and loved more than anything.. all we can do is just wait and see if she comes out of this.. we've tried all we can for her.. our t meantion today about trying to do some work with her.. helping her so she wont be so scared when we go to the dentist.. we are just wondering how that is going to go over or even happen if lil one wont even come out for us or talk to us.. we have this dreaded feeling shes not going to respond to our t either.. but...... just for the sake of trying to think positive here.. lets hope she does respond to her..

i, Kat, also took a big step in talking to my neighbor last night about all the remarks shes been making about my weight.. i talk to her about the comments shes been saying.. i expressed it hurts when those comments are said to me and about me.. and i asked her to please not make any type of comments like those anymore.. and then i told her why.. where i had heard those types of comments from before.. and how much it brought back such painful memories to me.. i tried to hold back my tears.. but it didnt work.. at first she seemed angry.. and she responded with "i ought to just shut my mouth from now on".. i sat silently.. i let her sit there and really think about what i was saying.. that i wasnt speaking it harshly to her.. that i was saying it hurt.. but in no way was i saying i didnt love her still.. after about 30 minutes.. she had tears in her eyes.. she looked at me she said "im sorry.. i wont say it anymore.. i didnt mean it.." i said i know you didnt.. sometimes its hard to really think about the words we choose to speak before we say them huh?.. i told her it was going to be ok.. again she reassured me she was sorry.. then everything was ok..

i couldnt believe i stood up for myself.. that i actually confronted her finally.. after all these months.. and all these tears id cry over the comments she say about my weight.. i feel bad enough about my weight.. but.. its over.. now the mothers nasty comments hopefully will stop ringing in my head about them too..

well.. we really need to turn in for the night.. to all out there take care..

Peace, Love & Harmony..

K n all

Words

"Words"

How easily they are spoken at times
just falling from our lips
Not really thinking of what we're saying
and how those words can stick

Years and years after
those words come near
As to who said what all those years
listening hard, you remember, it all seems so clear

All different kinds of people
toss words all about
Not thinking of how many they hurt
seemed all they cared for was to be heard 'n get their words out

Sometimes when people speak their soft spoken words
the ones that melt your heart
The ones that help you feel loved and wanted
ones that would never keep you apart

That’s when it’s the hardest time
for one to wake up and see
For one to just take a moment
that just maybe they might believe

Words can be hard to speak
or even hard to find
I'm sure many of you can understand
even might find it easier to just hold up a sign

The hardest words for me to say
is simply, "I Love You"
Because when it was said to me
if was often followed by abuse

So please take notes on this today
please be careful on the way you say your words
When the words, "I Love You", are chosen from you
say it with compassion in your heart so they are truly believed

© Copyright by Kat C

Written on July 22nd, 2004

Love From an Angry Heart

"Love From an Angry Heart"

She could not show
What she could not feel
And oh how I craved
Her love SO bad

But I soon had to learn
There was no love to give
No love,
Had filled her heart

Her hands full of anger
Her voice full of rage
Her skin tone deep red
Spit filled the words she would say

I begged
I pleaded
With this "God" above
To find this "Mommy"
Some much needed Love

The beatings
The blows
The names I was called
It was the best of her love
She could show me, somehow

Her heart
Full of anger
Her heart
Full of rage

It’s the best
She could do
Is what
She would say

I love you, Mommy
I'd say with my eyes swollen shut
No kiss goodnight again
She must still be mad

Love From an Angry Heart
Is a scary thing
I do hope one day
Maybe, She can forgive me


© Copyright by Kat C. w/ help from Amy D.
February 25, 2004

No One

"No One"

No one sees the hurt we feel
No one hears the pain
No one knows how much we struggle
Just to make it from day to day

No one sees us cut ourselves
No one knows how much we bleed
No one hears our cries of sorrow
Or knows how much love we need

No one sees the scars we carry
From ones that hurt us so
No one knows how far we've gone
To not let the pain all show

All they see
Is one face
And a smile
From time to time

No one can see
Our Inner world
The darkness, The lost,
The dying


© Copyright by Kat C.
November 18, 2003