What She Could Not Say

"What She Could Not Say"

what she could not say
left me hanging for dear life
each day i searched
for her love
her approval
her security
but what she could not say
is all i wanted to hear
those three simple words
that would keep my heart alive
those three words
that would give me hope
grabbing my arm
digging in her finger nails
i searched for her forgiveness
but was never able to please
never able to look her in the eye
was not worthy of that
ears burned from the yelling
child again done bad
tired of failing
and filled with shame
a hand full of pills
filled me
numbness
darkness
what she could not say
took a hold
closed casket
not able to see
the three last words
she said to me
... i love you ...

© Copyright by K.
August 2, 2003

Getting Over the Hump..

this is just about how i have felt today.. i have been so emotional and its draining.. the good news about today was i got out of bed.. i didnt decided to stay in bed all day long like i had wanted to..

our care provider came over and we sat and talked for a little while.. when i felt more up to leaving my house we decided to get something to eat and then let Corner have his turn at the park with his dinosaurs.. everything turned out ok.. she said he got to play in the water and sand with them and she played with him.. he had been waiting patiently since last week to get to do this with her.. so im glad he got to play..

things tonight have been hard.. but things will get better.. i can get through this..

i wish i could write more about whats so hard right now.. but i cant yet.. maybe one day.. for tonight though i think its time we try to rest.. we see our T tomorrow.. and she wants me there rested.. so take care..

K

Isolating Myself..

i can tell im starting to pull myself back into that isolating period again.. shutting down things around me.. shutting out people around me.. backing away and yet im not sure why.. i seem to be doing this more often lately.. and i dont do it just halfway either.. when i do it i go all out.. total shutdown.. close off connections from my friends.. phone calls.. and dont even answer the door.. have already made plans not to go out with my care provider tomorrow.. would rather stay at home in bed.. although she said shes going to call before noon to see if i change my mind or to see if someone else wants to come out and go do something with her.. if it was up to me.. i think i would just hide away in bed..

i think she mentioned today that one of our littles, corner and her had plans to go play at the park tomorrow.. but i just want to stay home.. in bed and sleep.. what is wrong with me? is the depression getting back up again.. i know it will never really go away, but my goodness a break from it would really be nice from time to time..

our doc has tried so many different types of meds with me on this depression.. sometimes it almost feels hopeless.. somewhere in me i have to find the light that things will work out and a better day will come.. that its not going to stay this way.. who knows.. maybe tomorrow corner will have a great day playing in the sand with is dinosaurs and i dont want it ruined because of me.. i have to hold on.. things will get better.. i have got to believe and trust in that.. its all i got left..

K

My kids Adoption Part 1

i can only give you things that my memory can recall now.. because of the hurt and pain of all this i have blocked many things out.. not wanting to though.. i deeply want to remember the smell of my precious children.. and their soft touch.. the clothes they both wore all the time and quirky little things they did.. but many of this has escaped me.. and im only left with bits and pieces here and there in my memory.. and as each day seems to pass im terrified im losing more and more of them and that they are drifting further out of my life.. and that i am fading fast out of theirs.. dates of things are even hard for me to recall.. but i know alot of this all took place in 2003.. alot of the major events that is..

my daughter, K was born on january 30th.. she was a wonderful baby.. we almost lost her at birth cause she wasnt gaining weight.. the staff at the hospital had to pump her tummy and teach her how to suck.. she didnt know how.. she grew up to be such a helper and so loving and out-going.. such a charmer.. she will be 10 this month.. she is on the safety patrol at her school.. she loves making friends.. playing basketball, soccer and loves to go camping..

my son, J was born on october 20th.. from the first time i held him my heart just bonded.. things were complete now.. i had a beautiful daughter and now a handsome son.. towards the end of the pregnancy i became very toxic.. i was at high risk as well as J.. so they had to induce labor to save the both of us.. i couldnt believe how big i was and how small he actually turned out to be.. i realized just how much inside me was just the fluid.. but you wouldnt know it now.. hes gotten so big.. growing up so fast.. he just turned 6.. he loves trucks.. his school.. working on things with his new dad.. T-ball.. camping and trips to the ocean..

i remember when my depression started to worsen and i just started to sink worse.. the self injury was on a high and i tried my best to hide it from my kids and everyone.. but mama was one person who could see right through me.. i was switching non stop.. one minute she would be carrying a conversation with me and the next minute she was carrying a conversation with someone else and so on.. not only was she getting frustrated but so was i.. and i was just completely confused.. one night was the last straw to all of this when one of my inners had taken off to the railroad tracks and laid down on them in attempt to take the life of us completely.. when mama got wind of what happened mama had us hospitalized.. the kids were taken care of temporarily by her and my aunt and then taken in by a foster care place.. after that is where the struggle for my kids begun..

when i came out of the hospital i was put on medications to help with the depression.. it did help.. i had to fight and fight hard to get my kids back and i did.. but not long after mama saw i was struggling.. i would cry thinking im not what they need.. or im not giving them all they could have.. she talked to me about allowing them to be adopted by a family.. i told her no.. a few months later she sat me down and talked to me again about it with a lady.. this lady told me i would be allowed to pick the family myself.. and be allowed to still see my kids.. that because of all the pressure i was under and stress that it may be the best choice before they are removed from me permanently and i never get to see them again.. that totally scared me.. so i agreed..
then this really hard process began.. court hearings.. it was awful.. they made me sound so awful.. using the word neglect.. it was so horrible to hear that word attached to my named.. i just sobbed.. crying and saying i wasnt neglectful in anyway to my lawyers.. they tried to calm me down.. i loved my babies with all my heart.. never was i neglectful.. how could these people judge me like that without knowing me..

when this horrible process of hearings began and the nasty word neglect came up the social services came and removed my kids from me.. my kids cried and i cried so hard having to depart from each other.. neither one of us knew what was going to happen.. i didnt even know who they were going to or if they were going to be safe.. they were put in 5 different foster families before they were adopted.. the second to last family they ended up with my daughter would call me from her house crying on the phone to me telling me horrible things this lady was doing and saying to her and J.. and then the lady would grab the phone and tell me how awful my daughter was and how awful she was behaving.. i just wept.. i wept for my babies.. when i spoke to my daughter i tried so hard to just tell her to just stay away from the lady.. to eat and stay out of the lady's way.. it was all i could think of.. my heart was just completely broken.. my daughter would beg me to please just be ok enough to come get her and J.. and bring them back home again.. that she just wanted to come back home.. i told her i was trying.. and i was.. but deep in my heart i knew i had messed up so bad by agreeing to allow my kids to be adopted.. i had messed up forever..

the last foster care home they were with was a great family.. they were going to be the family of choice i was going to pick for them to be adopted with.. but that family already had children of their own still in the house and they couldnt.. but they were so touched that i had thought of them first to ask.. they had so much fun with my kids while they stayed with them.. they were wonderful to my kids.. i was very lucky to have them in my kids lives during such a hard time for them..

i then was introduced to this couple.. a very loving couple.. who was wanting to adopt my children.. both of them together.. i spoke to them for a long time.. mama and i both met up with them at mama's house so mama could meet them too.. we saw them a few times.. then they met K and J.. K went right up to them.. J was hesitant at first but then slowly warmed up to them.. he was still very young at that time.. we all spent alot of time together.. i watched as they enteracted with the kids.. they were so loving.. attentive.. and truly caring.. this was an amazing family.. and all of them together was a perfect fit.. so the adoption process began..

when the husband and wife spoke to me in private they said they would leave it an open adoption so that i could see my kids anytime and on all holidays and for any events including their bdays.. i was excited.. but when the papers were signed and i got a call from my case worker and lawyers saying that they had made it a closed adoption instead.. i was heart broken and so confused cause they had gone back on what they had said and agreed to..

after the adoption took place.. i did get to see my kids for ( i think ) 3 times.. 1 time both of them together.. and then 1 time just my daughter and 1 time just my son.. and thats been it.. every single day i question whether or not i made the right decision about it all.. and i still dont know.. i know a part of me complete died when they left.. and i will never be able to get that part of me back again.. they were my life.. they were my whole reason for living.. and its like now each day im having to find other reasons to keep going and breathing and its hard to find and pull up those other things..

i remember my daugher telling me when i was packing her bags to go with the foster care people.. she kept telling me.. why mommy? why? but i want to stay here with you mommy? why? but ill be better mommy? why? it saddened my heart so bad for her to think it was her that had messed up.. i sat down with her and talked to her and made her realize that it was not her.. that it was me who was messing up.. she was so sweet she said.. its ok mommy.. its ok.. i just cried and gave her the biggest hug i could..

write more later..

Celebrating 2nd Year..

first off i have to say.. happy stinking monday.. lol.. cause thats just what its been.. but im darn sure it will improve.. i will be sure it does..

saturday marked our second year we've been with this place we've been going to for getting on the road to recovery and getting better.. now dont get us wrong.. we've been working at this for a very long time but 2 years with this place.. our T we had for 4 years just recently left and moved to Florida so we have started with a new T.. things are going ok so far.. we are taking it nice and slow with her and she seems very willing and wanting to help us.. our last T highly recommended her.. and we fully trusted our last T.. we will continue to stick with this place and the people that are so willing to help us.. we have our doctors support.. our care providers.. our case managers and now our new T's.. we can do this! some days may be a struggle but we just have to remember to take some deep breaths every now and then and remind ourselves..... we can do this..

today i did not want to face my DBT class.. so jamie went in for me.. i did not want to face much of anything actually.. just wanted to be away in a relaxing place.. have much to think about right now.. and my head just seems to keep pounding..

after class was over our care provider took lil one to get her doll, Phoebe at the house, then something to eat and to the park they went for the day.. im glad lil one is getting a chance to do some enjoyable things for a change.. she needs to be able to laugh and enjoy herself some.. she is 6 years old and worries so much about all the stuff going on in the outside world.. whether or not she will be hurt again and if shes still lovable.. she is the most precious child ever and its heartbreaking to see such a small child with such big concerns..

we will be starting to put some of our poems in here.. some of the less triggering ones at least.. but ones we think that would be ok to share.. we hope they can speak words to people out there and let others know they are not alone.. till then.. take care..

K n all

Abuse Awareness

Abuse Awareness Ribbon

Awareness
Because
Until that happens
Suffering shall not
End

im jesse

hey. my name is jesse. im 15. looks like im the one stuck out today. or at least for the moment. things aint been right for K since she heard some stuff last week. stuff she didn want to hear from her care provider an T. guess we all have days like that. least we do. aint no tellin what it is yet thats buggin her she wont really say. we do know that if K dont make her DBT class on monday we still get to spend time with the care provider afterwards cuz she just called us an said so. so thats pretty cool. the littles said they wanted to spend time at the park with her playin round. so guess thats what we will be doin. it dont really matter to me what we do long as we get outta here some. cant stand bein stuck up in this joint so much. well im gonna jet an listen to some jams. catch ya laters.

jesse

Is it Friday Yet?

oh please do tell me we have reached friday now..? and boy was it one! we had so many different things to do and so many different emotions running through us we didnt know which way to turn where or what would be coming next.. and i can see now its still not ended..

today we had to get so many things together for the Housing Authority and take them into her or else we wouldnt have that anymore.. we stopped at the library.. plus had our T (Therapy) session.. then ended up coming home to more confusion going on by neighbors.. yelling.. slamming things.. breaking glass.. fighting.. drinking and more.. if you ask me.. i already want this weekend over for us.. this is just something we dont need to be around.. like we dont have enough confusion alone within ourselves..

but yet once the next week hits.. things are going to be changing around again for us.. less hours with our care provider.. and that really stinks.. and something we are just not use to.. we are not sure yet what really is going on there.. but all of us are already starting to pull back away from her in case its one of those things where shes going to say shes leaving or something like that soon.. we have to prepare ourselves for it.. we are so use to it happening.. why do we get close to someone.. it just ends up in pain in the end everytime anyway.. another sort of smack in the face feeling..

but theres also another saying.. something good comes out of everything.. hummm... wonder what this will be.. and if we are up for it this time..

K

Welcome to Our Dream to Fly

Hello and Welcome to Our Dream to Fly!

Here at Our Dream to Fly we will be keeping a journal, up to date with things and lost of other things.. there will be different ones of us using this site for all that also.. so you will get a chance to meet them..

If you haven't realized by now we are a Multiple System.. one of many.. but we will get into all that later on.. for now though we just maily wanted to get started..

we will be back to update more..

K