i can only give you things that my memory can recall now.. because of the hurt and pain of all this i have blocked many things out.. not wanting to though.. i deeply want to remember the smell of my precious children.. and their soft touch.. the clothes they both wore all the time and quirky little things they did.. but many of this has escaped me.. and im only left with bits and pieces here and there in my memory.. and as each day seems to pass im terrified im losing more and more of them and that they are drifting further out of my life.. and that i am fading fast out of theirs.. dates of things are even hard for me to recall.. but i know alot of this all took place in 2003.. alot of the major events that is..
my daughter, K was born on january 30th.. she was a wonderful baby.. we almost lost her at birth cause she wasnt gaining weight.. the staff at the hospital had to pump her tummy and teach her how to suck.. she didnt know how.. she grew up to be such a helper and so loving and out-going.. such a charmer.. she will be 10 this month.. she is on the safety patrol at her school.. she loves making friends.. playing basketball, soccer and loves to go camping..
my son, J was born on october 20th.. from the first time i held him my heart just bonded.. things were complete now.. i had a beautiful daughter and now a handsome son.. towards the end of the pregnancy i became very toxic.. i was at high risk as well as J.. so they had to induce labor to save the both of us.. i couldnt believe how big i was and how small he actually turned out to be.. i realized just how much inside me was just the fluid.. but you wouldnt know it now.. hes gotten so big.. growing up so fast.. he just turned 6.. he loves trucks.. his school.. working on things with his new dad.. T-ball.. camping and trips to the ocean..
i remember when my depression started to worsen and i just started to sink worse.. the self injury was on a high and i tried my best to hide it from my kids and everyone.. but mama was one person who could see right through me.. i was switching non stop.. one minute she would be carrying a conversation with me and the next minute she was carrying a conversation with someone else and so on.. not only was she getting frustrated but so was i.. and i was just completely confused.. one night was the last straw to all of this when one of my inners had taken off to the railroad tracks and laid down on them in attempt to take the life of us completely.. when mama got wind of what happened mama had us hospitalized.. the kids were taken care of temporarily by her and my aunt and then taken in by a foster care place.. after that is where the struggle for my kids begun..
when i came out of the hospital i was put on medications to help with the depression.. it did help.. i had to fight and fight hard to get my kids back and i did.. but not long after mama saw i was struggling.. i would cry thinking im not what they need.. or im not giving them all they could have.. she talked to me about allowing them to be adopted by a family.. i told her no.. a few months later she sat me down and talked to me again about it with a lady.. this lady told me i would be allowed to pick the family myself.. and be allowed to still see my kids.. that because of all the pressure i was under and stress that it may be the best choice before they are removed from me permanently and i never get to see them again.. that totally scared me.. so i agreed..
then this really hard process began.. court hearings.. it was awful.. they made me sound so awful.. using the word neglect.. it was so horrible to hear that word attached to my named.. i just sobbed.. crying and saying i wasnt neglectful in anyway to my lawyers.. they tried to calm me down.. i loved my babies with all my heart.. never was i neglectful.. how could these people judge me like that without knowing me..
when this horrible process of hearings began and the nasty word neglect came up the social services came and removed my kids from me.. my kids cried and i cried so hard having to depart from each other.. neither one of us knew what was going to happen.. i didnt even know who they were going to or if they were going to be safe.. they were put in 5 different foster families before they were adopted.. the second to last family they ended up with my daughter would call me from her house crying on the phone to me telling me horrible things this lady was doing and saying to her and J.. and then the lady would grab the phone and tell me how awful my daughter was and how awful she was behaving.. i just wept.. i wept for my babies.. when i spoke to my daughter i tried so hard to just tell her to just stay away from the lady.. to eat and stay out of the lady's way.. it was all i could think of.. my heart was just completely broken.. my daughter would beg me to please just be ok enough to come get her and J.. and bring them back home again.. that she just wanted to come back home.. i told her i was trying.. and i was.. but deep in my heart i knew i had messed up so bad by agreeing to allow my kids to be adopted.. i had messed up forever..
the last foster care home they were with was a great family.. they were going to be the family of choice i was going to pick for them to be adopted with.. but that family already had children of their own still in the house and they couldnt.. but they were so touched that i had thought of them first to ask.. they had so much fun with my kids while they stayed with them.. they were wonderful to my kids.. i was very lucky to have them in my kids lives during such a hard time for them..
i then was introduced to this couple.. a very loving couple.. who was wanting to adopt my children.. both of them together.. i spoke to them for a long time.. mama and i both met up with them at mama's house so mama could meet them too.. we saw them a few times.. then they met K and J.. K went right up to them.. J was hesitant at first but then slowly warmed up to them.. he was still very young at that time.. we all spent alot of time together.. i watched as they enteracted with the kids.. they were so loving.. attentive.. and truly caring.. this was an amazing family.. and all of them together was a perfect fit.. so the adoption process began..
when the husband and wife spoke to me in private they said they would leave it an open adoption so that i could see my kids anytime and on all holidays and for any events including their bdays.. i was excited.. but when the papers were signed and i got a call from my case worker and lawyers saying that they had made it a closed adoption instead.. i was heart broken and so confused cause they had gone back on what they had said and agreed to..
after the adoption took place.. i did get to see my kids for ( i think ) 3 times.. 1 time both of them together.. and then 1 time just my daughter and 1 time just my son.. and thats been it.. every single day i question whether or not i made the right decision about it all.. and i still dont know.. i know a part of me complete died when they left.. and i will never be able to get that part of me back again.. they were my life.. they were my whole reason for living.. and its like now each day im having to find other reasons to keep going and breathing and its hard to find and pull up those other things..
i remember my daugher telling me when i was packing her bags to go with the foster care people.. she kept telling me.. why mommy? why? but i want to stay here with you mommy? why? but ill be better mommy? why? it saddened my heart so bad for her to think it was her that had messed up.. i sat down with her and talked to her and made her realize that it was not her.. that it was me who was messing up.. she was so sweet she said.. its ok mommy.. its ok.. i just cried and gave her the biggest hug i could..
write more later..
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