Isolating Myself..

i can tell im starting to pull myself back into that isolating period again.. shutting down things around me.. shutting out people around me.. backing away and yet im not sure why.. i seem to be doing this more often lately.. and i dont do it just halfway either.. when i do it i go all out.. total shutdown.. close off connections from my friends.. phone calls.. and dont even answer the door.. have already made plans not to go out with my care provider tomorrow.. would rather stay at home in bed.. although she said shes going to call before noon to see if i change my mind or to see if someone else wants to come out and go do something with her.. if it was up to me.. i think i would just hide away in bed..

i think she mentioned today that one of our littles, corner and her had plans to go play at the park tomorrow.. but i just want to stay home.. in bed and sleep.. what is wrong with me? is the depression getting back up again.. i know it will never really go away, but my goodness a break from it would really be nice from time to time..

our doc has tried so many different types of meds with me on this depression.. sometimes it almost feels hopeless.. somewhere in me i have to find the light that things will work out and a better day will come.. that its not going to stay this way.. who knows.. maybe tomorrow corner will have a great day playing in the sand with is dinosaurs and i dont want it ruined because of me.. i have to hold on.. things will get better.. i have got to believe and trust in that.. its all i got left..

K