So Unsure

been a little bit since ive been able to write in here.. and ive really needed to.. need to get some of these feelings and thoughts out in front of me.. its doing me no good keeping them in..

some of our last sessions have been kind of rough ones.. either ones within having flashbacks or me not able to get my words out like i want to.. complete confusion filling up within me.. t says im going back and forth with the all or nothing - black or white thinking.. and depending too much on others.. so ive done what i thought was right.. by changing things to where i hardly will be depending on anyone at all..

we will be still having to figure out ways how we can manage how to do certain things but thats for us to figure out.. not anyone elses responsibility.. i do feel im back to walking this road alone.. but maybe thats just my thinking and feelings.. maybe its because ive started closing the doors on people in our lives.. preparing us..

i know one thing thats been extremely hurtful to me for several months now.. but ive kept it to myself.. trying to fight it alone cause of how ashamed i am of what this person is saying to me.. but my neighbor tells me how much weight ive gained and how big i am.. and boy am i looking big.. i hear the mothers voice echo in me when she does this.. the embarrassment and shame just overloads me.. i cry when im by myself.. i gotten to where i hate eating.. but know i have to cause i shake real bad and start to pass out if i dont.. i have a low bl**d pressure alot of the time.. and not eating makes it worse.. but the comments makes me continuously want to starve myself again like we did in the past.. i wish so bad i was 86 pds like we were back then.. but still able to function..

sessions with my t and i havent been the best either.. i feel so bad.. i deeply wish i could just do it all right so i could make her happy and pleased with what and how i do.. but i seem to keep frustrating her more and more.. and causing her to be more and more irritated with me.. it scares me.. i want to be *normal* and do things right.. not be unhealthy or do things in an unhealthy manner.. i so badly want our lives to be on the right path and be making progress.. i thought we were.. and now all the sudden because of a set back now we are "unhealthy" and irritating to others.. least it seems that way..

Lord Jesus.. we are trying our best.. and only you Lord knows that.. please open others hearts to see that..

we cant help it when we are triggered.. and/or dont know how to handle such situations that arise.. thats why we ask for help..

my tears just cant flow enough right now..

we just deeply want peace back in our sessions, peace back within, progress to be made in both places..

for us not to give up on the word "love".. to still believe it does exsist out there.. right now we just sit in silence with that word.. we dont know what to believe..

i, (K).. am scared to move anywhere around the word anymore.. im scared of being hit with falling words.. i beg of no more hurt.. im just fading away too fast from it all..



K

In the Middle

"In the Middle"

She sits
In the middle of an empty room
Listening to Nanci sing through the
Earphones of her walk-man

Helplessly glancing around at the bare walls
That seems so blindingly white

She watches as the sun sets in the evening
And wakes her squinting eyes in the morn’

Not sure whether she’s ever
Coming or going
Helping or hurting
Rising or falling

She sits
Surrounded by the last of her belongings
A suitcase full of worn out clothes
A backpack with books, paper and her all time favorite journal
A horror book
A pack of half smoked cigarettes
A purse too full to carry
And shoes that fit too small

Unexpectedly the loneliness hits
Weighing like eight pounds of sugar
On her heart

She can’t help to wonder
If she will ever piece back together
What all has been broken

At night
When she lays herself down to rest
She cries

In the morn’ when she wakes
Her eyes still puffy and red
Fill with tears once again

While during the day her heart aches
Remembering the fond memories
Of her loved ones and friends

Time passes and days move on
As the middle of the floor has grown warm
Where the heat of her body sits
Still unmoved on the floor, crying

Knowing in her heart changes need to of been made
But stubbornly didn’t want the change

So the warm spot
In the middle of the floor
Will soon turn cold
As she leaves this secure
White hidden room
Of a different color
Different wall hangings
And hopefully a different loneliness

A loneliness
That’s only the imagination
From far deep within herself

Too far to see
Too far to accept
An imagination too far to feel

For now though
All of this lies
In the middle of her floor

© Copyright by Martha w/ Dreaming2Fly System

The Girl Who Nobody Wanted

"The Girl Who Nobody Wanted"

Since the first breath she took
Her mother didn't even care to look
She became the girl who nobody wanted

She was made to sit in corners
Told nobody would want her
She became the girl who nobody wanted

Each year that would pass
She learned to wear her mask
And be the girl who nobody wanted

Turned down by all
She built her a wall
And was the girl who nobody wanted

Still to this day
Society's found a way
To make her the girl who nobody wanted

In the darkness she hides
Waiting for her life to subside
It’s the girl who nobody wanted

No mother beside her
No father to guide her
Still, the girl who nobody wanted

She lives her life unknown
Will probably die alone
It’s the girl who nobody wanted

In the silent tears she sheds
It will always be said
She is the girl who nobody wanted

The girl who nobody wanted...

© Copyright by Kat C.
January 17, 2004

"On the Inside Looking Out"

"On the Inside Looking Out"

I'm on the inside
looking out
Watching all the people
wonder about

I call out their names
and try to talk
But they just continue
to walk and walk

I tap on the glass
that I'm being kept in
Hoping someone will hear me
and want a new friend

Alone in my silence
I'm bound to live
No one around
with love to give

The tears that I shed
send me adrift
Floating around
in these tears of mist

When will the day come
that I'm set free
That I can have a voice
and just be me

No more living life
on the inside looking out
No more feeling sadness
and so full of doubt

© Copyright by K. C.
December 12, 2003

"The Step-Father"

"The Step-Father"

Outside the window,
you stood in the dark.
Spying and peeping,
that was just the start.

You'd watch us undress,
as we went to the shower.
You'd sneak in the bathroom,
like some freaking coward.

Till the day you were caught,
outside the window we'd seen.
You staring and spying,
and peeping at me.

In fear we screamed,
unsure who it was.
The mother said nothing,
she never does.

Every window we pass,
we pass with fear.
Afraid you're still watching,
and standing out there.

We never got to tell you,
how you made us feel.
Being undressed with your eyes,
our innocence you'd steal.

Our body was private,
"that"- you did not respect.
We hate you dear father,
your name we detest.

© Copyright by Dreaming2Fly System
Oct. 26th, 2003

Facing the Painful Truth

this week has been a diffic*lt week on us.. between one with whom ive had a hard time dealing with inside.. katlyns 11th bday and us not getting to be with her for it and wondering all about it.. sending off her gift.. joshuas little gift for him and thinking of him.. memories of the past hitting us about the kids, susan, mary, the birth family, and memories from this one im not getting along with inside.. and of all days today (feb 1st) being the step-fathers bday (one of our main abusers)..

on the day of katlyns bday all i could do was cry all day or sleep to try to avoid crying.. i felt so alone.. my friends Keepers called during the day to be there to support me.. then later that night my t called.. it helped to release all the tears and sadness out to her.. the pain was still there.. im sure it will always still be there.. but it helped to talk to her and to hear her voice on the other end..

im tired of people telling me one day i will get my children back.. i dont want to hear it anymore from anyone! not one single person knows what the future holds.. only God Himself.. thats it.. im sick of people trying to predict the future to me just to try to keep my hopes up about my kids.. all i know is i can only live day by day.. and what happens right this moment.. and what happens the next few moments.. then the next few moments.. not the next hour.. or next day.. or next year.. or 5 years.. or when my daughter or son is 18 or 20.. i could be gone by then.. or i could maybe still be here.. like i said ONLY GOD KNOWS..

but i can no longer live my life or even think that long ahead in the future like that anymore nor do i want to hear those type of plans or thoughts from anyone in my life.. i want to hear "reality".. i want to SEE REALITY.. nothing fake anymore.. nothing false.. and i dont care what kind of backlashes i get for stating how i feel cause im talking from my heart.. and saying how i honestly feel.. if it cant be respected.. then i guess thats how it "just is"..

but im tired of patting my pain and then saying to it "one day this and one day that".. no more.. my pain is real.. just as my grief is.. and unless you have been through EXACTLLY WHAT I HAVE.. you WILL NOT understand it.. AT ALL.. unless you have LOST YOUR CHILDREN THROUGH ADOPTION and the way i did.. you will not understand.. but supporting me does help.. maybe one day i will repost my story of the adoption.. and actually be able to finish it.. i hope so.. right now.. i "FEEL" its a road i walk alone.. until im able to find another birthmom who has been down the same road as i have.. i will just keep surviving the best i can and being the best person i can be for others by offering my knowledge and understanding on things i have been through myself.. giving the support, caring, and love to those i care dearly for.. and continue to reach out to other who are hurting, grieving, lost, who have a mental illness, who are disabled, who feel alone, who are/were abused in anyway, survivors, multiple systems, people who are depressed, i mean the list just could go on and on.. i plan on continuing my search for all of you.. to let you know.. you ARE LOVED and you DONT HAVE to go through the hurt alone..

K n all

Update for us..

everything for us is going ok.. had T session here at the house this morning.. it all went ok for us.. lil one spent some of the first of session playing playdoh with our T.. and talking with her about things she needed to.. then i, myself spent a few moments with her before she needed to spend a little time with kat2..

i was glad to hear that her time with kat2 actually ended up going ok and helped.. we have been concerned about things going on with her.. before session was up our T and i once again reconnected and spoke about a few things..

we are a little low on food and since our community support provider wasnt working yesterday we were not able to make a trip to the grocery store.. so our T offered to take us later on today.. we are so thankful for our T.. shes always helping us out when we need her help on things.. and when in crisis or we need to hear a voice answering back to just say "im here" or "i do care".. shes there.. throughout our lives it was something we never had..

we never felt safe to open up and speak about anything to anyone.. its what we were taught.. to hold our mouths shut.. that our words were not worth hearing or worth being heard.. and that nobody in the world really cared to hear them.. we tried our best to hide ourselves from anyone and everyone.. so afraid if we ended up in front of someones path we would get physically tormented.. or worse..

within the last few years.. we have very very slowly been able to peek out and see some safeness in the world.. in small bits.. but then we would hear a gun shot up the street not far away and we would tuck ourselves away back within ourselves so deep inside and be too afraid to attempt to peek out again for another day or so.. especially the littles..

i know it sounds corny.. but so what.. we all have dreams.. you want to know what mine, Kat, is.. is to fly.. to one day be able to just lift my hands and arms up and take off in flight.. and soar high above everything.. i use to have so many dreams with me flying in them.. i was so happy.. so much at ease.. and sooooo peaceful.. in my dreams i would take people with me.. all i had to do was just touch their hand and then they would be able to lift off the ground and fly too.. we would be so light hearted inside, content and both have such joy there was so room for any type of pain at all..

then.. after my best friend passed away in 2004, the dreams completely stopped.. never had another one.. and i miss them so much.. i miss the happiness i had in them.. the peace.. i miss my friend too.. i use to call her "ladybug".. whats so neat now a days.. is when im real down.. depressed.. and even scared about something.. its weird.. a ladybug will show up our my house.. or will fly on our clothes outside.. or ill see one somewhere and it will remind me that she is around.. shes with me.. then i dont feel so alone.. it really touches me..

anyway.. i know im a strange one.. but at least i live in a System with other strange ones.. lol..

well.. better go for now.. over and out..

K n all

Finding "Hope" Once Again...

after today.. we are truly beginning to believe this statement above.. inch by inch we really are beginning to find our precious "hope" once again.. we deeply know it will take time for each of us all to find it for us seperately.. but at least its a beginning for some of us.. and for those of us who do feel we are slowly beginning to find it.. it brings tears of joy, excitement, peace but with those feelings it also brings along tears of sadness that it was lost for so long, tears of how the hope in our lives was lost and dearly missed.. and tears of "will it stay forever this time.." the doubts.. the sensation of never wanting to let it go ever, ever again..

today we had a meeting with our case worker, t, community support provider and us.. the meeting went very well.. so much better than we had ever expected.. before we started the meeting we sat there balled up within so nervous and scared what was going to happen if we spoke up and said how we truly felt about things.. but once we finally started talking and vocalizing what we needed to talk about.. it got a little easier.. only at one point did i, Kat, withdraw back some, but then i eased back out again and was just fine.. we accoplished alot today.. and we are looking forward to our next meeting with them in 3 months only to share even more of more good news as we work hard on the skills and homework that will be given to us and as we continue to learn more and more..

we are proud we held it together today and worked as a team not only withing but also as a team with our case manager, t, community support provider and all of us.. it proves to us - we CAN do it and things WILL be ok and work out after all..

someone up there above really does listen to our prayers and hears us.. and knows how to answer them in the most awesome way.. doesnt He?

what an awesome day this was..

K n all

Thank you C... we CAN do this!

we know it will take some time working back up that hole we fell into, but we are glad we are making the progress that we are just getting out of it.. we are determined to do our best to get back on course like we were and to continue our work with our t..

we are most postitive that every relationship between client and t have times where they may not see eye to eye on things and its ok to disagree.. if everyone had the same opinion all the time, this would be a very boring world to live in.. plus, you learn alot from others who have different opinions. least thats how i feel.. as long as you dont let your feelings or anger get in the way of others peoples opinions or decisions that they choose to make for themselves..

our t is a very smart woman who has taught us a great amount whom we are very impressed with.. she has been there for us and guided us when we've felt so torn, mixed, confused and lost.. shes helped us in making the right decisions when nessasary.. and then other times giving us the choice on what decision we thought was best for us to make on our own.. which we always seem to make the right ones for us.. least most of the time.. without her guidance these last 9-10 months we would be no where near where we are today..

we dont feel we take enough time to thank her for the time she spends with us in session.. the time she takes out of her day when she calls sometimes.. and even at times when she will respond to emails and send and give homework.. plus all the paperwork she has to do on us.. its not easy for her.. at all.. and i think sometimes we need to stop and think about this more..

so.. to our to T.. your a blessing to us.. i bet our folder is thick huh?

we want those 3 or 4 years with you.. your very special to us.. and we dont say it enough.. we know we can be a REALLY BIG PAIN alot of times.. but we dont mean to.. honestly.. from the deepest part of within our hearts.. we love and care for you and all the hard work you put into helping us..

thank you C.. hang in there with us.. k.. 3 or 4.. we can do it.. we CAN.. its a positive thought! we are not giving up!

K n all - Love from All

unable to sleep..

we're not able to sleep right now.. have too many things on our mind thats troubling us.. and i, Kat, wish i would stop lighting up cigarettes.. but its my nerves.. plus i dont think im the only one smoking! i think someone else may be hanging around dragging on a puff or two every now and then.. cause my cigs seem to go so fast!

anyway.. not really sure its worth talking about anything.. it doesnt seem to accomplish much when i do.. just seems to dig a deeper hole.. seems to be that way for all of us..

how can we have this positive outlook on things when everthing is going down hill.. and its all our fault.. no let me just go ahead and change the way thats worded.. let me take the full blame on all this.. i want to.. its all MY fault.. i did everything to screw up things.. its all my fault.. i dont actually think ive never been more disgusted at something or someone than i am at myself right now..

gggggrrrrrrrrr... i think this was talking.. and i said i didnt need to go there.. lets change the subject ok? please!

so this book i have attached on here.. ive been reading some in.. it can be a little hard to read at times.. really brings things up.. was reading a section on Remembering the Trauma.. it had an exercise in there to try.. boy oh boy i think i wasnt ready for that one.. got smacked in the face with one too many memories and flashbacks when i tried it.. yikes!!!

well then i started reading some on Breaking through Denial.. ummm.... was not ready for that either.. threw me hard.. but i want to be able to read this book.. im wanting it to be able to help some..

when i simply read small parts Acknowledging and Releasing Anger i felt switching coming on. and anger building up inside.. so i quickly tried to direct our attention to something else besides the book.. i put it away..

ill make another attept to read it maybe in a day or two.. ill keep at it.. theres got to be something in there i can read.. ive been at this for almost a week in a half.. and only being able to read bits at a time.. and seeming to be thrown off by each parts i read.. how discouraging..

i for sure thought we were more ready for this..

Currently reading : Adult Children of Abusive Parents: A Healing Program for Those Who Have Been Physically, Sexually, or Emotionally Abused By Steven Farmer Release date: 14 April, 1990

K n all