sinkin

can feel me sinkin. tho aint wantin to yak much with peeps bout it. juz wantin to be left alone. sorda like i aint trustin much of what peeps say anyhow with all that goshie gooshie i care crap they throw out automatically. like their trained to always say that first to a peep. ya never know if its for real anymore or juz a toss of words. i for one juz cant trust that. eh kinda makes me actually ill when they do it. big turn off! bleh think im makin myself sick to my gut yakin bout all this junk.

laters

jesse

what is it with some peeps?

ya know thats like a major question to me. what is it with some peeps? for real? ok so we found out while we have our sessions here at the house with our t an stuff that our neighbor an this old lady that lives here at this place well they actually listen at our back door! like how sick is that? can we not have any privacy roun here? juz think that is creepy man an totally sick-o-la! am thinkin maybe they should juz have our t sessions from now on stead of us. looks like they must need it if they gotta listen to peeps talk to one. rounchy creeps! juz makes me angry peeps gotta be so inconsiderate an rude. even old peeps who like you think would know better cuz they even have lived longer. guess they aint got nothin better to do with their lives so they gotta ease drop in on other peeps lives. grrrrr! sickos!

jesse

Getting to Know Someone New

we are very slowly being introduced to someone new.. what happened was our case manager resigned.. so this new person took her place for now.. when our community support provider finishes up her EMDR classes and becomes a liscensed T she will be moving up to a T role and will no longer work with us as a CSP.. thats when our new case manager will start working with us as a community support provider.. lots of switching around for us.. one thing does stay the same is our T, C, will still remain our T.. shew!

as of now there is alot of talk about this new CSP working with us.. and different ways we can get use to her.. also talk about our recent CSP leaving us.. so things are just a little odd for us.. we know good will come out of this somehow.. we are still a little scared about it.. but sometimes change can be scary for anyone..

we are getting to know our new CSP through emails.. its a start.. then we will be planning to meet up with her and our current CSP and spend time with both of them so we both can get to know each other better in person.. she has never worked with a multiple before.. so this is all new to her.. even though we are nervous.. we are more than willing to help in what ever way we can..

of course all the kids care about is if she will play with them.. lol..

well.. sorry to end this so soon tonight.. i didnt think changing servers was such work.. but it is.. still have much to do.. hope all is well for all out there..

Peace, Love & Harmony

K

Beautiful Impressions

theres been many many times over the last several months that ive wanted to write about something - someone.. who has been on my heart.. in my thoughts and prayers.. many times ive started writing an email to.. a letter to.. or send a thinking of you gift to.. but then i get scared.. so one of my inner ones.. jamie.. mentioned to me about writing a letter on paper but not sending it.. just to get the words out i wanted to say.. so a week ago i did that.. it helped alot.. but i still think of this old friend we knew.. wishing she knew how i felt.. or at least wishing she knew she was in my thoughts and not forgotten..

there are so many people who come and go into our lives.. some we dont know long enough to get the chance to really find out much about them and their lives.. their are others we quickly find out that are not good for us to be around and that we have to shelter ourselves from in order to keep ourselves safe from harm.. then..... there are others.. who come into our lives like beautiful gardens.. that bring us such sunshine.. and inrich our lives with more than we could ever ask for.. the joy in conversations we share.. the understanding through the hard times.. the tears shared on both ends through happy and sad times.. and for both parties to know they had a shoulder to lean on helped so much..

then... something happens.. and its all lost.. communication starts to fail.. talking through computers is hard enough you cant hear the other persons tone, expressions and sometimes exactly how things are actually put and said.. distance in the friendship gets worse and worse.. making communication even harder.. so when you try to start communicating again theres some tension there.. disappointment.. hurt.. maybe even anger.. theres fighting.. disagreements.. then trying hard to start over and over when hurt is still there from words said earlier in disagreements..

i wish i had had the oppertunity to be there side by side with that friend.. and share with her.. how much i loved.. and still love her.. how much i wished i could of taken jesse's eraser she wrote about and erased all those times like that.. and that i wish she could of heard my voice speaking gently to her and not in a harsh tone all those times she thought i was speaking harsh.. upset or angry..

i would want her to know how much she was a true blessing in my life.. how much she taught me.. and how much i appreciated her every day.. how much i appreciated all the encouraging things she said to me.. how she stood by me.. and loved me when i couldnt love myself..

... and.. how much of a beautiful impression she has made not only in my life.. but in our entire systems lives..

ive made mistakes in my life.. im sure everyone has.. im not perfect.. im only human.. i can only ask forgiveness for those mistakes i make.. to stand back up again.. to do my best to learn from those mistakes.. and keep moving forward.. but to always pray for the help i and guidance i need in making not only our lives better but the lives that we come into contact with better too.. even if its with a good morning smile.. or a conversation about their day.. or offering to help them with something..

so.. this morning.. id like to wish all out there a good day.. or as my old friend taught me.. lets see if i can remember..

G' day mate!
in my thoughts.. (((((((((((((((((((((B)))))))))))))))))))

much love..

K

Restless Within Tonight

Hiya, Seems to be our System is quite restless within tonight. So I'm up making round about checks. Thought I'd stop in an drop a line while I was here. Never posted on this blog before, so I'll introduce myself. I'm Falcon. One of the Protector's with the Dreaming2Fly System. I work side-by-side with Jamie. Another Protector with our System. Though she's quite a bit more organized and structured than I am. I am not much of a socialable one, stay more to the background until called upon or when crisis times arise. Stick mainly to my duties within and help out where needed. We have several different Systems within so sometimes my duties call me to other Systems. My job is never boring, but takes a lot of time and patience. I am rather proud of how well each of our Systems have been holding out and working together. As of now, our System (Dreaming2Fly System) is the ones most actively working in T session's. They are doing well. As time moves on I will be looking forward to our other Systems hopefully getting involved as well. Step-by-Step though. It's all a process.

Closing up for tonight. Thanks for allowing me to introduce myself and have this chat with you. Over an out.

Falcon

wouldn it be cool?

wouldn it be cool if ya could juz erase any day ya wanted to. id have maybe lots of days id wanna erase. one of them would be yesterdays session with our t. yah. i didn like it at all what was talked bout. even if juz small details was given by one within. i still didn like it. kinda makes me feel real shaky an nervous. like i juz would rather pop out of existence instead of knowin any of it was even brought up. its not that i dont like trust our t or nothin like that. eh i dunno maybe its the rest of the peeps in the world an stuff i dont trust. an i aint the only one its stirred up inside. its got everyone goin haywire. everyone inside is freakin out. so what ya say? wouldn it be cool if we could juz erase any day we wanted to. aint talkin bout blockin them out tho. am talkin bout juz totally erasin them so they woulda never even happened. id say thats one dang heck of a awesome eraser! i'll take 2 of them an keep one for spare ya know juz in case. haha. ya never know who else might need one. whats that ya say? would ya like one?


go ahead - erase away!


jesse

1 year anniv. tomorrow

it will be 1 year tomorrow that we last saw our old t.. we cant believe how time has gone by like it has.. seems like just a few days ago that she left.. feels like it too.. still hurts.. the tears still flow.. we had been seeing her for almost (we think) 4 years.. we shared some really awesome moments with her.. great memories.. and alot of private issues.. discovered many skills we had and put them to use and deep within ourselves we found a friend on the outside who cared for us and "loved" us.. something that was quite odd to see from people in the work fields.. we can honestly tell you she was a honest to goodness true blessing to our lives..

the day we were told she was leaving and moving away we broke down and fell apart within.. we never wanted to hear those words.. so many different feelings came up for us.. we kept blaming ourselves.. like as if we weren't working hard enough in t sessions that she just wanted to move on and give up on us.. huge abandonment issues.. all we could do was cry and cry for days.. and weeks.. we pretended as hard as we could for others that "we were ok or we had it together", but in no possible way did we have it together at all.. but for that time wearing those mask was the only thing that kept us going and people away from bothering us and pestering us with tons of questions.. we just wanted to be left alone..

we were introduced to our new t before our old t had left.. our new t seemed nice and eager to work with us and get to know us.. we didn't know what to say at the time..

as time has gone by we have gotten to know our new t better.. shes really worked out quite well for us.. though we think of our old t every day and miss her.. we truly are thankful we had the chance of working with our old t for the years we did and the time she took reaching out to us, caring for us, showing her love for us and teaching us so much.. we are very grateful..

we are also truly grateful she asked such a sweet lady to step in and be our new t.. and to watch over us.. these 2 women have been such amazing people we have ever met.. they have taught us so much and been such a guidance for us..

of course there will always be hard times we may face.. but together we work through them... and move on.. but not without always learning something new along the way..

we hope our old t stops at least for a moment tomorrow and thinks of us.. we know we will be thinking of her..

as for our new t.. (smiles) we will be spending a little time together tomorrow to "celebrate" our old t's one year anniv.. we are not quite sure how we "celebrate" it.. but.. we will learn.. we are always open to learning new and better things..

Peace, Love & Harmony..

K n all

MARTHA!! AND STAY OUT!

YOU KEEP REPEATING OUR WORDS ARE JUST EXCUSES! OUR WORDS ARE NOT EXCUSES ONLY THE TRUTH! BUT OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING YOU CAN'T STAND TO HEAR BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT IN NOR HAVE NEVER BEEN IN THE POSITION WE LIVE IN. WHAT MORE IS THERE LEFT TO BE SAID TO ANYONE? WELL???? UNTIL YOU HAVE WALKED DIRECTLY THE PATH WE HAVE WALKED AND IN OUR SHOES, DON'T ACT LIKE YOU "KNOW IT ALL" CAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW A GD THING!! WE DO WHAT "WE" KNOW IS BEST FOR US BECAUSE WE "KNOW US" BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE AND WE CAN PROTECT OURSELVES BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE. PEOPLE IN LIFE FAIL TO PROTECT WAY TOO OFTEN THAT'S WHY WE CAN NEVER RELY ON PEOPLE FOR HONEST SAFETY. WE AT LEAST HA! THOUGHT WE COULD COME TO YOU AND ASK FOR HELP BY TAKING US TO THE LANDRY MAT SO WE COULD WASH OUR CLOTHES SINCE WE HAVE FELT THE SAFENESS WITH YOU AND SINCE YOU KNEW WHAT TO DO IN CASE ANYONE WITHIN CAME OUT OR ANY CRISIS CAME ABOUT. WE WERE FOOLS TO TRUST IN YOU! WE NEVER THOUGHT IT WOULD COME TO A POINT WHERE OUR GROCERIES WOULD BE EFFECTED TOO! WITH AS MUCH SO CALLED "KNOWLEDGE" YOU HAVE REGARDING US AND OUR PAST AND HOW SENSITIVE WE ARE TO STRANGERS AND SETTINGS PLUS SURROUNDS IN STORES.

YOU KNOW - ITS ALL USELESS! YOU NEVER HAVE REALLY LISTENED. I FOR ONE NEVER REALLY FELT YOU CARED. JUST WAITED FOR THE OTHERS TO CATCH UP AND SEE THAT. I HOPE THEY GET A GOOD GLANCE NOW AND KEEP THE DOOR LOCKED AND WINDOWS SHUT AND DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE WHEN YOU CALL ANYMORE. CAUSE YOU KNOW, THIS REALLY WASN'T A PLEASURE!!!!

CHA!! CHA!! CHA!!

MARTHA!

Update on our Niece

we want to thank everyone who has been saying some of those Tiny Little Prayers out there.. we wish to ask you to please.. continue them..

we got updates on our little niece, Hannah..

we didnt get a chance yesterday to mention in our writings about the hole in little Hannah's heart.. that is the reason she sees a cardiologist.. so yesterdays visit was to find out if the hole was closing at all or what condition it was in..

what they found out was the hole has increased in size and the cardiologist was concerned about the placement of the hole.. since it is large and near the top of the chamber.. that means the hole cannot be fixed with a catheter.. it will have to be patched through open heart surgery..

he told our sister possibilities that would not impact Hannah still getting her trach removed.. one is have surgery in the next few weeks or watch and wait until after her trach is removed.. he recommended moving forward with the surgery as soon as possible.. it would be a 3-4 day stay in the hospital as long as nothing else happened.. and everything went good..

the cardiologist is convinced that after recovery Hannah will be bouncing around the room.. will no longer be winded.. tired after physical therapy.. oxygen levels will be positively affected.. in fact it just may fix that whole issue all together..

our sister will be given more information early next week after he meets with other surgeons and cardiologist on Friday..

we know how hard this is going to be for our sister having her youngest going back in the hospital once again.. we cant help but cry for and with her.. our heart just breaks for the entire family..

once again.. we are asking.. please.. will you put this whole family in those "Tiny Little Prayers" ..

.... thank you...


All of Us with Dreaming2Fly System

"Tiny Little Prayers"

today we would like to share about "Tiny Little Prayers"..

Tiny Little Prayers are something very special to us.. its something we've only done with people whom we could really trust and believe that they would listen to what we were saying and asking in these Tiny Little Prayers.. and follow through..

whenever hard times hit for someone we really care for, or for us. Or if someone we know may be ill, hurting, in danger, or possibly in danger of hurting themselves or someone else.. or some situation that is going to take more than just one voice or hand raised above to the Lord to heal or bring an answer to whatever may be happening.. thats when we turn first to the Lord, then we turn to our closest friends and ask them to say a Tiny Little Prayer.. and we share with them whats going on..

well.. tonight.. we would like to turn to all of you out there who are willing to say a few Tiny Little Prayers for some very special people in our lives..

first we would like to share with yall we run a survivors of abuse forum.. we need to ask for a few Tiny Little Prayers for some of our members in the forum.. two of our members are fighting cancer, while at the same time trying their hardest to deal with their daily lives, their family, their relatives (whom some are toxic) and their own personal emotions and feelings their having to go through because of the cancer itself..

also.. several of our members have been extremely down, been going through meds changes, sometimes off meds, desperately wanting to end their life and not finding any answers or solutions to anything anymore for them.. for them they feel like doctors are not helping or understanding, t's are not helping, listening or understanding, and they see no light at the end of the tunnel.. their have been some that self-harm just to try to escape from the feelings or even numbness they may have.. so im asking.. please.. will you.. if you dont mind.. saying a few Tiny Little Prayers for them also..

now.. this is regarding someone very, very dear to us.. this is our very own little niece we ask this Tiny Little Prayer for.. please..

we have never got to meet our niece cause we live quite a ways from her.. but we keep in touch with our sister when we can plus we are always reading up on Little Hannah's Blog that our sister started not too long after Hannah was put in the hospital when Hannah's problems began for her.. this was Feb. 19th, 2007..

Hannah would have times where she would stop breathing.. her oxygen levels would go from high 90's/100 to the 40's/50's/60's..

at that time they ran a whole lot of test on her.. didnt get much answers.. they put a trach in her and put her on a ventilator..

over time they also noticed that Hannah's head was growing at a much faster rate than her body.. they never could figure it out..

Hannah got released from the hospital in April of 2007.. she celebrated her first birthday at home with many ups and downs in between.. my sister was so worn.. we felt her pain for her child.. all we could do was cry reading their blog..

moving up to speed.. Hannah's head is finally catching up to her body.. thats the good news.. and the plan is that Hannah gets her trach removed in April!!

the not so good news.. Hannah's oxygen levels have been very low when she sleeps.. my sister and her husband have been trying to get some information trach clinic, doctors, hospitals and others.. Hannah should of never left the hospital back in April.. the doctors then knew Hannah's SAT (oxygen saturation) levels were not accurate.. so all this time.. Little Hannah has been losing oxygen while she sleeps..
Hannah ran a low grade fever today and has had more secretions.. not sure whats going on with her yet.. still waiting for updates.. she had an appt with the cardiologist today too..

sorry this was so long.. but.. please.. could you say (lots) of Tiny Little Prayers for our niece and their family..


Love, Peace & Harmony,

K n all