The Girl Who Nobody Wanted

"The Girl Who Nobody Wanted"

Since the first breath she took
Her mother didn't even care to look
She became the girl who nobody wanted

She was made to sit in corners
Told nobody would want her
She became the girl who nobody wanted

Each year that would pass
She learned to wear her mask
And be the girl who nobody wanted

Turned down by all
She built her a wall
And was the girl who nobody wanted

Still to this day
Society's found a way
To make her the girl who nobody wanted

In the darkness she hides
Waiting for her life to subside
It’s the girl who nobody wanted

No mother beside her
No father to guide her
Still, the girl who nobody wanted

She lives her life unknown
Will probably die alone
It’s the girl who nobody wanted

In the silent tears she sheds
It will always be said
She is the girl who nobody wanted

The girl who nobody wanted...

© Copyright by Kat C.
January 17, 2004

"On the Inside Looking Out"

"On the Inside Looking Out"

I'm on the inside
looking out
Watching all the people
wonder about

I call out their names
and try to talk
But they just continue
to walk and walk

I tap on the glass
that I'm being kept in
Hoping someone will hear me
and want a new friend

Alone in my silence
I'm bound to live
No one around
with love to give

The tears that I shed
send me adrift
Floating around
in these tears of mist

When will the day come
that I'm set free
That I can have a voice
and just be me

No more living life
on the inside looking out
No more feeling sadness
and so full of doubt

© Copyright by K. C.
December 12, 2003

"The Step-Father"

"The Step-Father"

Outside the window,
you stood in the dark.
Spying and peeping,
that was just the start.

You'd watch us undress,
as we went to the shower.
You'd sneak in the bathroom,
like some freaking coward.

Till the day you were caught,
outside the window we'd seen.
You staring and spying,
and peeping at me.

In fear we screamed,
unsure who it was.
The mother said nothing,
she never does.

Every window we pass,
we pass with fear.
Afraid you're still watching,
and standing out there.

We never got to tell you,
how you made us feel.
Being undressed with your eyes,
our innocence you'd steal.

Our body was private,
"that"- you did not respect.
We hate you dear father,
your name we detest.

© Copyright by Dreaming2Fly System
Oct. 26th, 2003

Facing the Painful Truth

this week has been a diffic*lt week on us.. between one with whom ive had a hard time dealing with inside.. katlyns 11th bday and us not getting to be with her for it and wondering all about it.. sending off her gift.. joshuas little gift for him and thinking of him.. memories of the past hitting us about the kids, susan, mary, the birth family, and memories from this one im not getting along with inside.. and of all days today (feb 1st) being the step-fathers bday (one of our main abusers)..

on the day of katlyns bday all i could do was cry all day or sleep to try to avoid crying.. i felt so alone.. my friends Keepers called during the day to be there to support me.. then later that night my t called.. it helped to release all the tears and sadness out to her.. the pain was still there.. im sure it will always still be there.. but it helped to talk to her and to hear her voice on the other end..

im tired of people telling me one day i will get my children back.. i dont want to hear it anymore from anyone! not one single person knows what the future holds.. only God Himself.. thats it.. im sick of people trying to predict the future to me just to try to keep my hopes up about my kids.. all i know is i can only live day by day.. and what happens right this moment.. and what happens the next few moments.. then the next few moments.. not the next hour.. or next day.. or next year.. or 5 years.. or when my daughter or son is 18 or 20.. i could be gone by then.. or i could maybe still be here.. like i said ONLY GOD KNOWS..

but i can no longer live my life or even think that long ahead in the future like that anymore nor do i want to hear those type of plans or thoughts from anyone in my life.. i want to hear "reality".. i want to SEE REALITY.. nothing fake anymore.. nothing false.. and i dont care what kind of backlashes i get for stating how i feel cause im talking from my heart.. and saying how i honestly feel.. if it cant be respected.. then i guess thats how it "just is"..

but im tired of patting my pain and then saying to it "one day this and one day that".. no more.. my pain is real.. just as my grief is.. and unless you have been through EXACTLLY WHAT I HAVE.. you WILL NOT understand it.. AT ALL.. unless you have LOST YOUR CHILDREN THROUGH ADOPTION and the way i did.. you will not understand.. but supporting me does help.. maybe one day i will repost my story of the adoption.. and actually be able to finish it.. i hope so.. right now.. i "FEEL" its a road i walk alone.. until im able to find another birthmom who has been down the same road as i have.. i will just keep surviving the best i can and being the best person i can be for others by offering my knowledge and understanding on things i have been through myself.. giving the support, caring, and love to those i care dearly for.. and continue to reach out to other who are hurting, grieving, lost, who have a mental illness, who are disabled, who feel alone, who are/were abused in anyway, survivors, multiple systems, people who are depressed, i mean the list just could go on and on.. i plan on continuing my search for all of you.. to let you know.. you ARE LOVED and you DONT HAVE to go through the hurt alone..

K n all

Update for us..

everything for us is going ok.. had T session here at the house this morning.. it all went ok for us.. lil one spent some of the first of session playing playdoh with our T.. and talking with her about things she needed to.. then i, myself spent a few moments with her before she needed to spend a little time with kat2..

i was glad to hear that her time with kat2 actually ended up going ok and helped.. we have been concerned about things going on with her.. before session was up our T and i once again reconnected and spoke about a few things..

we are a little low on food and since our community support provider wasnt working yesterday we were not able to make a trip to the grocery store.. so our T offered to take us later on today.. we are so thankful for our T.. shes always helping us out when we need her help on things.. and when in crisis or we need to hear a voice answering back to just say "im here" or "i do care".. shes there.. throughout our lives it was something we never had..

we never felt safe to open up and speak about anything to anyone.. its what we were taught.. to hold our mouths shut.. that our words were not worth hearing or worth being heard.. and that nobody in the world really cared to hear them.. we tried our best to hide ourselves from anyone and everyone.. so afraid if we ended up in front of someones path we would get physically tormented.. or worse..

within the last few years.. we have very very slowly been able to peek out and see some safeness in the world.. in small bits.. but then we would hear a gun shot up the street not far away and we would tuck ourselves away back within ourselves so deep inside and be too afraid to attempt to peek out again for another day or so.. especially the littles..

i know it sounds corny.. but so what.. we all have dreams.. you want to know what mine, Kat, is.. is to fly.. to one day be able to just lift my hands and arms up and take off in flight.. and soar high above everything.. i use to have so many dreams with me flying in them.. i was so happy.. so much at ease.. and sooooo peaceful.. in my dreams i would take people with me.. all i had to do was just touch their hand and then they would be able to lift off the ground and fly too.. we would be so light hearted inside, content and both have such joy there was so room for any type of pain at all..

then.. after my best friend passed away in 2004, the dreams completely stopped.. never had another one.. and i miss them so much.. i miss the happiness i had in them.. the peace.. i miss my friend too.. i use to call her "ladybug".. whats so neat now a days.. is when im real down.. depressed.. and even scared about something.. its weird.. a ladybug will show up our my house.. or will fly on our clothes outside.. or ill see one somewhere and it will remind me that she is around.. shes with me.. then i dont feel so alone.. it really touches me..

anyway.. i know im a strange one.. but at least i live in a System with other strange ones.. lol..

well.. better go for now.. over and out..

K n all

Finding "Hope" Once Again...

after today.. we are truly beginning to believe this statement above.. inch by inch we really are beginning to find our precious "hope" once again.. we deeply know it will take time for each of us all to find it for us seperately.. but at least its a beginning for some of us.. and for those of us who do feel we are slowly beginning to find it.. it brings tears of joy, excitement, peace but with those feelings it also brings along tears of sadness that it was lost for so long, tears of how the hope in our lives was lost and dearly missed.. and tears of "will it stay forever this time.." the doubts.. the sensation of never wanting to let it go ever, ever again..

today we had a meeting with our case worker, t, community support provider and us.. the meeting went very well.. so much better than we had ever expected.. before we started the meeting we sat there balled up within so nervous and scared what was going to happen if we spoke up and said how we truly felt about things.. but once we finally started talking and vocalizing what we needed to talk about.. it got a little easier.. only at one point did i, Kat, withdraw back some, but then i eased back out again and was just fine.. we accoplished alot today.. and we are looking forward to our next meeting with them in 3 months only to share even more of more good news as we work hard on the skills and homework that will be given to us and as we continue to learn more and more..

we are proud we held it together today and worked as a team not only withing but also as a team with our case manager, t, community support provider and all of us.. it proves to us - we CAN do it and things WILL be ok and work out after all..

someone up there above really does listen to our prayers and hears us.. and knows how to answer them in the most awesome way.. doesnt He?

what an awesome day this was..

K n all

Thank you C... we CAN do this!

we know it will take some time working back up that hole we fell into, but we are glad we are making the progress that we are just getting out of it.. we are determined to do our best to get back on course like we were and to continue our work with our t..

we are most postitive that every relationship between client and t have times where they may not see eye to eye on things and its ok to disagree.. if everyone had the same opinion all the time, this would be a very boring world to live in.. plus, you learn alot from others who have different opinions. least thats how i feel.. as long as you dont let your feelings or anger get in the way of others peoples opinions or decisions that they choose to make for themselves..

our t is a very smart woman who has taught us a great amount whom we are very impressed with.. she has been there for us and guided us when we've felt so torn, mixed, confused and lost.. shes helped us in making the right decisions when nessasary.. and then other times giving us the choice on what decision we thought was best for us to make on our own.. which we always seem to make the right ones for us.. least most of the time.. without her guidance these last 9-10 months we would be no where near where we are today..

we dont feel we take enough time to thank her for the time she spends with us in session.. the time she takes out of her day when she calls sometimes.. and even at times when she will respond to emails and send and give homework.. plus all the paperwork she has to do on us.. its not easy for her.. at all.. and i think sometimes we need to stop and think about this more..

so.. to our to T.. your a blessing to us.. i bet our folder is thick huh?

we want those 3 or 4 years with you.. your very special to us.. and we dont say it enough.. we know we can be a REALLY BIG PAIN alot of times.. but we dont mean to.. honestly.. from the deepest part of within our hearts.. we love and care for you and all the hard work you put into helping us..

thank you C.. hang in there with us.. k.. 3 or 4.. we can do it.. we CAN.. its a positive thought! we are not giving up!

K n all - Love from All

unable to sleep..

we're not able to sleep right now.. have too many things on our mind thats troubling us.. and i, Kat, wish i would stop lighting up cigarettes.. but its my nerves.. plus i dont think im the only one smoking! i think someone else may be hanging around dragging on a puff or two every now and then.. cause my cigs seem to go so fast!

anyway.. not really sure its worth talking about anything.. it doesnt seem to accomplish much when i do.. just seems to dig a deeper hole.. seems to be that way for all of us..

how can we have this positive outlook on things when everthing is going down hill.. and its all our fault.. no let me just go ahead and change the way thats worded.. let me take the full blame on all this.. i want to.. its all MY fault.. i did everything to screw up things.. its all my fault.. i dont actually think ive never been more disgusted at something or someone than i am at myself right now..

gggggrrrrrrrrr... i think this was talking.. and i said i didnt need to go there.. lets change the subject ok? please!

so this book i have attached on here.. ive been reading some in.. it can be a little hard to read at times.. really brings things up.. was reading a section on Remembering the Trauma.. it had an exercise in there to try.. boy oh boy i think i wasnt ready for that one.. got smacked in the face with one too many memories and flashbacks when i tried it.. yikes!!!

well then i started reading some on Breaking through Denial.. ummm.... was not ready for that either.. threw me hard.. but i want to be able to read this book.. im wanting it to be able to help some..

when i simply read small parts Acknowledging and Releasing Anger i felt switching coming on. and anger building up inside.. so i quickly tried to direct our attention to something else besides the book.. i put it away..

ill make another attept to read it maybe in a day or two.. ill keep at it.. theres got to be something in there i can read.. ive been at this for almost a week in a half.. and only being able to read bits at a time.. and seeming to be thrown off by each parts i read.. how discouraging..

i for sure thought we were more ready for this..

Currently reading : Adult Children of Abusive Parents: A Healing Program for Those Who Have Been Physically, Sexually, or Emotionally Abused By Steven Farmer Release date: 14 April, 1990

K n all

Marky Found a Home!!

we have been wanting to come in and write this blog to let everyone know for almost a week now, but we couldnt because we were in too much physical pain..

during the time plans were being set up and scheduled for Marky to go to his new home and owner we ended up having 2 teeth in our mouth give us severe pain (one being a broken tooth and we believe one is a wisdom tooth), we have had very painful neck aches, headaches and stick to our stomach.. sleep has been very little because we find ourselves gritting our teeth at night causing us even more pain with our teeth, neck and headaches.. so its been extremely rough for all of us right now..

on saturday, november 24th, 07.. Marky left our house and later on got to meet his new owner Mary.. we are so very touched and thankful this was able to take place.. saying goodbye to Marky was very hard on all of us.. and because of the amount of physical pain we were in it was so hard to let out how we felt.. we just wanted to burst down in tears.. but we couldnt because the pain we were feeling in the body.. physically.. we spent time with our t as she drove us and marky to the place and back home again.. we talked some during that time.. when we arrived back home and entered the house.. its like a whole huge shift took place within us.. sooo many emotions and burst of feelings shot through us.. but still we could only express a little bit of it because of the physical pain our face, head, neck and stomach was in..

i, Kat, am hoping when we get better.. that we will be able to open up and talk more about how we feel regarding Marky instead of keeping it tucked away inside.. as with everything.. only time will tell..

the new owner as offered to send updated pics of Marky from time to time.. we are so grateful of that.. we will dearly miss our sweet Marky around here.. our other cat Lil Bit just continues and continues to search for his buddy.. we just do our best to comfort him.. my eyes start to water each time i see him searching for Marky and meowing for him.. but i try hard not to cry cause i know it will cause me physical pain in my face once i get started.. so i do my best to direct my attention elsewhere..

Marky will always be in our hearts.. and now Mary will be too..

Thank you so much Mary.. what a true blessing you are..

K n all

Oh my Marky.. I'ts time to start looking...

when we first began our journey with marky, boy oh boy we thought we were in for it, but we soon found out much different. we were introduced to Marky and his former roommate Lil Bit by his former owners in September of 2006. when Lil Bit was let loose of the towel he was being held in he nuzzled right up to us. when Marky was let out of the carrier he came in he darted straight underneath the couch and wouldnt come out, FOR NOTHING!!!! lol.. so we would lift up the ruffle of the couch end and peek under there and gentle whisper a sweet hello to our new friend. his eyes just peered at us strangely.. wondering who we were. within the few hours the owners stayed here an visited Marky inched half-way out from under the couch. we got a glance at him. he was beautiful. with his grey and white markings on him and his soft "meow". when the owners were for sure that we wanted both of them and they knew the cats were in good hands they left. kissing both of their cat babies goodbye and snuggling with them. we promised we would keep in touch with them and that they could stop by anytime and visit them. we've kept that promise. in fact, the female owner and i, Kat, have become nice friends.

Over time things now have changed with our loving cats.. our sweet Marky who i believe is around 7 years old now has recently been diagnosed with diabetes. He has really changed. His favorite thing use to be to snuggle at night with us when we slept and to sleep in our lap here at the computer.. that also has changed. Back in May we were admitted to the hospital due to a crisis we were having. We had our neighbor and our community care provider looking after our sweet cats while we were away. When we got home we knew something was wrong with Marky. We told our community care provider and neighbor and asked them questions.. We said Marky had lost alot of weight, too much.. that he was not himself.. that his "meow" was even quiet, that all he was doing was sleeping and that when he walked it was like he was walking very very slow and really carefully..

well as time went on it didnt seem to get any better.. i watched and watched for almost 4 months.. then i got sick of watching and seeing no improvements.. he would eat and drink and still gain no weight at all.. so i finally called a vet that said they would help me with the finances of all the cost of the vet bills.. i made Marky an appointment and took him in.. they ran test on him and sure enough first test showed... diabetes.. they took another test on him called a Glucose Curve Test to find out how much insulin Marky would need to be given, at that time it was 2 units.. meaning 2 shots of insulin 2 times a day.. after time Markys condition was not improving.. so they raised it up to 3 units of insulin.. 2 shots.. 2 times a day..

well.. thats what Marky has been on for some time.. till today.. i went out to Markys vet to pick up another bottle of insulin and sit down and have a heart to heart talk to Markys doctor.. i told her all my concerns..

how i financially just cant do this.. its draining me.. i live on SSI (disability).. and after i pay my bills.. and (embarrassed to say) get the food from my food stamps which is not all that much.. my money has to cover the rest of my food.. plus the cats food and litter.. since markys diabetes he urinates (no kidding!) 10 times more than a normal cat.. he soaks the bottom of the litter box with urine.. the box has to be cleaned and emptied every other day.. so im buying litter for it non-stop.. Marky eats and drinks all day long.. but its not his fault.. its what his body is telling him to do cause his insulin is not right yet..

i have to wake up at 8am to get his med out.. give his shot in the morning at 9:30 am on the dot.. remember to take his med out at 8pm give him his shot at 9:30 pm on the dot.. i worry constantly about him..

i am constantly stressed about issues in our own lives (we are multiple) so we have those EXTRA stresses.. dont sleep well.. but all this doesnt matter.. this is all the side stuff.. what matters is we love Marky.. in my heart i have done the very best i can do for him.. and thats what i told the doctor.. she told me to give myself a certain amount of time.. like a month to 2 months.. and set that time limit for myself.. i would have heard all im going to hear from anyone in that amount of time if anyone is interested seriously.. i said ok..

so.. im giving it 1 month..

for now she has put him on a special kind of insulin.. a very expensive kind.. and raised his insulin to 4 units.. 2 shots.. 2 times a day.. she said when this bottle of insulin runs out she wants me to call her and tell her how he did on it.. so.. im going to.. she knows i cant afford this type of insulin she has him on..

we just hope and pray soo hard that there is someone willing to give Marky a home out there.. but someone who can really give him the time he need.. the care he needs.. and the attention and medical care he needs..

please.. if you or you know anyone who is interested in caring for Marky.. please have them leave us a comment here or let us know..

i would appreciate it so much.. Thank you..

K n all

edited 11/20/07