unable to sleep..

we're not able to sleep right now.. have too many things on our mind thats troubling us.. and i, Kat, wish i would stop lighting up cigarettes.. but its my nerves.. plus i dont think im the only one smoking! i think someone else may be hanging around dragging on a puff or two every now and then.. cause my cigs seem to go so fast!

anyway.. not really sure its worth talking about anything.. it doesnt seem to accomplish much when i do.. just seems to dig a deeper hole.. seems to be that way for all of us..

how can we have this positive outlook on things when everthing is going down hill.. and its all our fault.. no let me just go ahead and change the way thats worded.. let me take the full blame on all this.. i want to.. its all MY fault.. i did everything to screw up things.. its all my fault.. i dont actually think ive never been more disgusted at something or someone than i am at myself right now..

gggggrrrrrrrrr... i think this was talking.. and i said i didnt need to go there.. lets change the subject ok? please!

so this book i have attached on here.. ive been reading some in.. it can be a little hard to read at times.. really brings things up.. was reading a section on Remembering the Trauma.. it had an exercise in there to try.. boy oh boy i think i wasnt ready for that one.. got smacked in the face with one too many memories and flashbacks when i tried it.. yikes!!!

well then i started reading some on Breaking through Denial.. ummm.... was not ready for that either.. threw me hard.. but i want to be able to read this book.. im wanting it to be able to help some..

when i simply read small parts Acknowledging and Releasing Anger i felt switching coming on. and anger building up inside.. so i quickly tried to direct our attention to something else besides the book.. i put it away..

ill make another attept to read it maybe in a day or two.. ill keep at it.. theres got to be something in there i can read.. ive been at this for almost a week in a half.. and only being able to read bits at a time.. and seeming to be thrown off by each parts i read.. how discouraging..

i for sure thought we were more ready for this..

Currently reading : Adult Children of Abusive Parents: A Healing Program for Those Who Have Been Physically, Sexually, or Emotionally Abused By Steven Farmer Release date: 14 April, 1990

K n all

Marky Found a Home!!

we have been wanting to come in and write this blog to let everyone know for almost a week now, but we couldnt because we were in too much physical pain..

during the time plans were being set up and scheduled for Marky to go to his new home and owner we ended up having 2 teeth in our mouth give us severe pain (one being a broken tooth and we believe one is a wisdom tooth), we have had very painful neck aches, headaches and stick to our stomach.. sleep has been very little because we find ourselves gritting our teeth at night causing us even more pain with our teeth, neck and headaches.. so its been extremely rough for all of us right now..

on saturday, november 24th, 07.. Marky left our house and later on got to meet his new owner Mary.. we are so very touched and thankful this was able to take place.. saying goodbye to Marky was very hard on all of us.. and because of the amount of physical pain we were in it was so hard to let out how we felt.. we just wanted to burst down in tears.. but we couldnt because the pain we were feeling in the body.. physically.. we spent time with our t as she drove us and marky to the place and back home again.. we talked some during that time.. when we arrived back home and entered the house.. its like a whole huge shift took place within us.. sooo many emotions and burst of feelings shot through us.. but still we could only express a little bit of it because of the physical pain our face, head, neck and stomach was in..

i, Kat, am hoping when we get better.. that we will be able to open up and talk more about how we feel regarding Marky instead of keeping it tucked away inside.. as with everything.. only time will tell..

the new owner as offered to send updated pics of Marky from time to time.. we are so grateful of that.. we will dearly miss our sweet Marky around here.. our other cat Lil Bit just continues and continues to search for his buddy.. we just do our best to comfort him.. my eyes start to water each time i see him searching for Marky and meowing for him.. but i try hard not to cry cause i know it will cause me physical pain in my face once i get started.. so i do my best to direct my attention elsewhere..

Marky will always be in our hearts.. and now Mary will be too..

Thank you so much Mary.. what a true blessing you are..

K n all

Oh my Marky.. I'ts time to start looking...

when we first began our journey with marky, boy oh boy we thought we were in for it, but we soon found out much different. we were introduced to Marky and his former roommate Lil Bit by his former owners in September of 2006. when Lil Bit was let loose of the towel he was being held in he nuzzled right up to us. when Marky was let out of the carrier he came in he darted straight underneath the couch and wouldnt come out, FOR NOTHING!!!! lol.. so we would lift up the ruffle of the couch end and peek under there and gentle whisper a sweet hello to our new friend. his eyes just peered at us strangely.. wondering who we were. within the few hours the owners stayed here an visited Marky inched half-way out from under the couch. we got a glance at him. he was beautiful. with his grey and white markings on him and his soft "meow". when the owners were for sure that we wanted both of them and they knew the cats were in good hands they left. kissing both of their cat babies goodbye and snuggling with them. we promised we would keep in touch with them and that they could stop by anytime and visit them. we've kept that promise. in fact, the female owner and i, Kat, have become nice friends.

Over time things now have changed with our loving cats.. our sweet Marky who i believe is around 7 years old now has recently been diagnosed with diabetes. He has really changed. His favorite thing use to be to snuggle at night with us when we slept and to sleep in our lap here at the computer.. that also has changed. Back in May we were admitted to the hospital due to a crisis we were having. We had our neighbor and our community care provider looking after our sweet cats while we were away. When we got home we knew something was wrong with Marky. We told our community care provider and neighbor and asked them questions.. We said Marky had lost alot of weight, too much.. that he was not himself.. that his "meow" was even quiet, that all he was doing was sleeping and that when he walked it was like he was walking very very slow and really carefully..

well as time went on it didnt seem to get any better.. i watched and watched for almost 4 months.. then i got sick of watching and seeing no improvements.. he would eat and drink and still gain no weight at all.. so i finally called a vet that said they would help me with the finances of all the cost of the vet bills.. i made Marky an appointment and took him in.. they ran test on him and sure enough first test showed... diabetes.. they took another test on him called a Glucose Curve Test to find out how much insulin Marky would need to be given, at that time it was 2 units.. meaning 2 shots of insulin 2 times a day.. after time Markys condition was not improving.. so they raised it up to 3 units of insulin.. 2 shots.. 2 times a day..

well.. thats what Marky has been on for some time.. till today.. i went out to Markys vet to pick up another bottle of insulin and sit down and have a heart to heart talk to Markys doctor.. i told her all my concerns..

how i financially just cant do this.. its draining me.. i live on SSI (disability).. and after i pay my bills.. and (embarrassed to say) get the food from my food stamps which is not all that much.. my money has to cover the rest of my food.. plus the cats food and litter.. since markys diabetes he urinates (no kidding!) 10 times more than a normal cat.. he soaks the bottom of the litter box with urine.. the box has to be cleaned and emptied every other day.. so im buying litter for it non-stop.. Marky eats and drinks all day long.. but its not his fault.. its what his body is telling him to do cause his insulin is not right yet..

i have to wake up at 8am to get his med out.. give his shot in the morning at 9:30 am on the dot.. remember to take his med out at 8pm give him his shot at 9:30 pm on the dot.. i worry constantly about him..

i am constantly stressed about issues in our own lives (we are multiple) so we have those EXTRA stresses.. dont sleep well.. but all this doesnt matter.. this is all the side stuff.. what matters is we love Marky.. in my heart i have done the very best i can do for him.. and thats what i told the doctor.. she told me to give myself a certain amount of time.. like a month to 2 months.. and set that time limit for myself.. i would have heard all im going to hear from anyone in that amount of time if anyone is interested seriously.. i said ok..

so.. im giving it 1 month..

for now she has put him on a special kind of insulin.. a very expensive kind.. and raised his insulin to 4 units.. 2 shots.. 2 times a day.. she said when this bottle of insulin runs out she wants me to call her and tell her how he did on it.. so.. im going to.. she knows i cant afford this type of insulin she has him on..

we just hope and pray soo hard that there is someone willing to give Marky a home out there.. but someone who can really give him the time he need.. the care he needs.. and the attention and medical care he needs..

please.. if you or you know anyone who is interested in caring for Marky.. please have them leave us a comment here or let us know..

i would appreciate it so much.. Thank you..

K n all

edited 11/20/07

Deciding what's best for Marky (our cat)

Marky has been a wonderful part of our lives for 2 years now.. He was given to us, along with another cat, by a very nice and loving couple that was moving to a place that would not allow animals. this couple had a total of 5 or 6 cats, so you know they were all very loved. We received Marky and Lil Bit together. They were very playful and each had their own likes and dislikes as cats do. One was very attention seeking and the other wanted his own space and approached you very calmly and would snuggle with you. Marky was quiet and medium size but had little bit of tummy on him. Lil Bit is HUGE, has one blue eye and one gold eye and would act shy at first and then bombard you wanting all the attention he could get out of you even up to the door as you left. For a long time Lil Bit ran the house hold, but things have change. Early this year we noticed a change in Marky.. he began to lose a LOT of weight.. he slept most of the time.. when he was awake he ate and ate and ate and ate then drank and drank and drank and drank then went back to sleep.. but never.. not once putting on a single pound.. just losing more and more weight.. even his hair beginning to thin.. he wasnt cleaning himself as well.. his eyes were kind of dazed.. and his meow became a silent meow.. you could see Marky was not well at all.. All this was happening over a 4 month period of time.. we became extremely worried..

so we found a vet and took him in ASAP.. they diagnosed Marky with diabetes.. at first he was taking 2 units of insulin shots 2 times a day.. it was not helping at all.. so they did a Glucose Curve Test on him and quickly raised it to 3 units.. where he is now.. still he is not himself.. he is still scarfing food down.. water down non-stop.. and when he urinates.. its almost like he can go to the bathroom like a human.. he can fill the bottom of the litter box with urine so much.. hes not suppose to be doing this.. so we know the amount of insulin hes receiving is still not enough.. we were told that the can food is better for his health than dry food.. so we have slowly switched both cats over to can food.. (9-lives) which they love.. but the sad part is when i set the food down for them.. Marky will gulp all his down extremely fast then run over to Lil Bit and force him to leave his and gulp his down too.. so Lil Bit will be left with nothing at all.. then the little bit of dry food that is left from us taking them off of it Marky will run over and continue to pig out on all of that.. then drink water for a few minutes.. then back to more dry food.. then water.. then back to dry food.. till ive finally started taking up the dry food so he will stop eating.. Marky doesnt know when to stop.. hes still so off track of his medicine that he dont know and cant stop himself..

the bills for the vet already have cost me bundles.. but ive worked it all out and been able to meet them all.. i love him.. id do anything for him.. i want to help him and i want to see him get the help he truly deserves..

but its come time for me to sadly make a decision.. i have to ask myself.. does Marky need a different care taker? someone who can provide him with more help than i can give him? someone who is more stabilized in finances than i am? in my heart.. i feel.. Yes.. although i know all of us and Lil Bit would dearly miss him.. we want to do what is right and what is best for Marky.. we want him to have a better life and have the full treatment he needs.. and we can only hope and pray that there is someone out there who would love him as much as we do and would loving care for him as we have..

All we can do is reach out and try to find someone...

and pray, pray, pray.. that our prayers will be answered and the perfect person for him will come....

well.. Thank you for listening...

here is a picture of Marky before he was diagnosed with diabetes..

K n all

One HUGE Lesson Learned

we know its been quite some time since we've be able to write.. so much has been happening for us.. online and offline.. its really been too much for us to handle.. way to much.. and we've spiraled down once more again.. if we didnt allow things online to whack us down as much and effect us like it does we might could stand our ground a little better for the things offline.. but to have the blows coming at us offline and online at the same time........ it makes us crash every time.. somehow for our sake we have to learn to handle them differently and much better.. cause if we dont we are either going to end up in the hospital ever time or end up self injuring ever time or end up trying to OD ever time or.... even worse.... that the attempt of the OD finally would take us out completely.. when we are hurt so bad by people either online or offline.. it digs so deep into us and takes us back to the days when we were hurt from our abusers.. it pulls up those nasty horrible feelings of what they did.. the flashes and memories.. and there we are.. feeling it all over again.. 10x harder..

we going to talk about something that we think we need to talk about.. maybe it will help get it off our mind and chest.. dont really know.. i first opened a forum in 1998.. i ran it from 1998 - 2000.. i closed that forum down due to lack of members.. there was only 2 of us.. i opened a second forum in 2001 - 2005.. then closed that one when mama passed away in September.. she was my co-host at that forum.. i felt lost without her there and needed time to grief over her.. i finally felt strong enough to try it again in August of 2006.. i opened another forum.. which im not going to mention the name of it and i would appreciate it if the name stayed unmentioned.. anyway.. in all the forums that i owned and ran the whole time.. never once did anyone have a problem with the Rules & Guidelines that i had set up for the forums.. they were there to keep all the members safe.. of course including myself and my system.. things had always worked out just fine.. never had any complaints and everyone always abide by the rules.. and respected each other and staff.. ....well.. till this last forum i set up.. you see.. in the Rules ive always put up i had it always set to where you had to use spoilers to help protect ones who were survivors of SRA and abuse.. ones who were easily triggered by words such as blo*d and c*lt and p*nis and so on.. words that easily make us want to vomit and send us into flashbacks as well as other SRA survivors and im sure other survivors of abuse.. thats why we had the rules of spoilers to be used in our old forum..

there were some members who didnt like it.. who found it down right unnecessary to use them and even said that using them triggered them to use them.. this we could not understand.. our system became very unsettled.. we wanted to make everyone happy at our site.. and be the ones to always keep the peace.. we are the type to want to always please people.. but not using spoilers? this actually scared us.. we knew the type of words we would be having to face seeing in front of our eyes on the boards.. and we knew it would cause many triggers for us.. this was not something we would be able to handle or feel safe with.. we all the sudden began feeling unsafe at our own site.. the talk amongst the members was still going on about not using the spoilers.. and we began drifting further and further away inside.. fear began to set in..

i, Kat, as the owner of the forum.. was too scared to speak up and say, NO.. the rules need to stay as they are! i was too afraid of not being liked or people getting mad at me for keeping the spoiler rule.. cause all i ever wanted was people to just be happy..

then i realized my teens were excluding themselves from the site.. because i was not speaking out about the rules.. then some of the littles.. they no longer felt safe there.. ...then.. some of the older ones.. and... i dont blame them.. i too.. no longer felt safe there either.. by the time it was all over.. one of my protectors and i were the only ones left there.. and we both excluded ourselves from the site as well..

we know it was wrong to just leave the site.. to totally leave the site with no admin.. but we all talked about it within.. and we talked to our t about it.. we did it for the safety for all of us.. to protect ourselves..

things happened after i, Kat, excluded myself.. i wasnt able to manage the board anymore.. cause it got locked.. but i was able to preview it.. i saw where members in there were fussing about who was going to take over my forum and run it.. never once did it cross their minds who was actually paying for that forum to sit there all that time.. or all that time they got to use it.. or... (i know all this has got to sound selfish) but even.. not comment about.. gosh.. wonder how kat n all is... or if they are ok?

and... it hurt..

now that no one can get into my old forum cause its locked and being closed down.. they've all gone back to the forum where they use to go.. and whats so sad and hurts me so deep.. is they are all talking about me and my old forum on that site they went back to.. nothing good either.. i have apologized over and over for how i left my old forum.. i do feel it was wrong.. but to go to another forum who knew nothing about anything and to talk about me and my old forum on it i just feel is not right at all.. i feel thats a huge dig at me.. and deeply hurts..

i have cried and cried about this.. i make mistakes.. everyone does.. but you always learn from those mistakes.. apologize for what you did.. and pick up and move on.. ive apologized to all of them.. i learned.. but im having the hardest time picking up and moving on.. knowing that im being torn apart at another place...

my old t use to tell me.. all that matters is that you tried your hardest..

and i did... i did try my hardest... but maybe.. just maybe.. it wasnt hard enough this time.. i just dont know...

this is the honest first time that i never want to come back to the Internet... the first time that i never want to see the outdoors again... that i dont even want to be around another person... and that everyone within had backed away and doesnt trust people online anymore.. as i said.. we learned..... now we just want to disappear......

k and everyone of us within

An Article We Would Like to Share

this is an article from the Daily OM and it really touched us today and brought a smile to our faces and hearts.. its something we needed to hear and read.. and we would like to share it and pass it on to everyone else..

A Good Turn DailyHelping The World Every Day

Each of us is more than capable of helping the world, despite our fears and limitations and the uncertainty that holds us back. It is commonly accepted that it is impossible to make a difference without unlimited funding or free time, yet most healing, cleansing, and spreading of joy is accomplished in a matter of minutes. If we vow to make the world a better place one day at a time, the true significance of small good deeds reveals itself to us. We come to see that we can be of service without dedicating our lives to recognized charities or giving up the pleasures we enjoy. The warmth we feel when we help the world is only a tiny part of the affirmative transformations that take place when we make altruism a part of everyday existence.We make our homes, workplaces, communities, and countries better and brighter when we think positive thoughts that echo outward, give donations of time or money, smile at everyone we meet, and lend those in need of aid our assistance. As we learn, we inadvertently improve the universe because we can only be truly involved when we are informed. Even enthusiastically sharing ideas with others generates positive energy that then serves as the motivation for more tangible change. Selfless and helpful deeds remind us that we exercise some degree of control over a world that can seem chaotic at times. Even the smallest of such deeds is a demonstration of the fact that we are capable of changing the world in a positive way. So much negative energy is generated by the suffering, pain, and close-mindedness we are regularly exposed to, but we can counteract it in a constructive way by thinking and acting altruistically when opportunities to do so arise. Helping the world often takes no more than a moment, just a wish for the world is a beautiful gesture and can be done by even the busiest of people effortlessly. The gift you give each day need not be grand or attention-worthy because the broader benefits are the same no matter the literal repercussions. Once a day, you can affect reality, and you can reap the rewards of knowing that you are making the world a better place, day by day.

this really stood out to us.. that we, "WE" can make a difference.. even in the smallest, simplist ways.. just a smile.. or just helping someone or even just by donating things we dont need, use or that others may need.. this has helped open our eyes and mind to new ideas and ways we can make a difference for others and in the world.. even if sometimes it is just a smile, wishing someone a good day or a making a connection with someone and sharing a conversation with them.. it just might change their day in some way.. you never know..

so.. to make a start..

AND

K n all

Things That Matter to Us - Part 1(Dreaming2Fly)

we dont think we get enough chances to write about the things that matter to us.. so tonight we are going to spend that time doing just that.. and anyone who wants to contribute within our system will add their own in Parts added onto Our Dream to Fly Blog..

as for me, K or Dreaming2Fly there are many things that matter to me..
-for one our entire Systems within do.. and all within them..
-my birth children..
-the people who supprt us like:
-our t, C..
-our community support provider, M..
-our case manager, K..
-our online friends who are so kind to us..
-the forum i run matters to me and its website..
-the blogs i write in matter to me..
-the well being of my birth family matters to me, even though we may not always see eye to eye..
-my cats matter to me, a whole lot and the proper care for them..
-helping others matters to me..
-helping others understand and learn about depression, MPD/DID, flashbacks, SRA, PTSD, triggers, self-injury, coping skills, DBT, ways to self- soothe and more matters to me..
-help stopping child abuse, domestic violence, and rape completely matters to me..
-finding happiness matters to me..
-learning when to reach out to others and when to do it on my own matters to me..
-learning when to trust and when not to matters to me..
-becoming more comfortable with my surroundings matters to me..
-learning to accept i cant do it all the time, that i need breaks..
-learning not to judge myself so harshly..
-learning to give others a chance..
-learning to accept that others really do care matters to me..
-learning that just being "me" is not so bad, matters to me..
-learning that its ok to say how i feel and what im feeling or thinking matters to me, even thought it can be really hard at times..
-learning that its ok to be angry matters to me..
-my hardest one is trying to learn not to shut people out when im having a hard time.. this does matter to me..
-its hard to say this.. specially right now when things are so bad.. but... i think my life matters to me.. im trying for it to matter to me..
-it matters to me if the sun rises and sets each day..
-if definitely matters to me if its cold outside..
-people who are ill, sick or dying matter to me..
-people who are sad, alone, lonely, grieving, hurting, lost, scared/afraid, or in any type of emotional pain matter to me..
-learning to be a better person matters to me..
-learning to get better matters to me..
-learning to overcome where i am now... it matters to me.. i dont like being stuck..
-learning to accept help.. matters to me..
-learning to listen matter to me..
-moving forward matters to me.. i know i may stumble back sometimes.. but we all do.. then we dust ourselves off and continue onward..
-finding the light in the end and not staying in the darkness matters to me..
-learning from your own lessons.. and not repeating them.. thought it may not be easy at first.. but you'll get there.. it matters to me..

im sure there is plenty more things that matter to me.. but this is my list so far.. if i think of more i will make another writing for myself with a Part 2-Dreaming2Fly

K (Dreming2Fly)

my 2 cents.. nobody ever said it was worth much anyway..

theres just a few things i want to say.. though they may not be encouraging to anyone but.. im sure we all have those time when we are not our best.. dont we?

first.. giving up doesnt always mean you are weak.. sometimes it means you are strong enough to let go!

have you ever been hurt.. and the place tries to heal.. and you just pull the scar off it over and over again?

to me relationships are like glass.. and to me sometimes its better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together..

maybe part of loving.... IS.. letting go.....

i never knew how bad it could hurt to lose something... i never really had in the first place.. i only "thought" i had..

sorry to be such the downer.. but thats my 2 cents for whoever cares..

K

Our Heart-Broken Child

for a while now we have been trying to help one of our littles within named lil one.. she has gotten to where she isolates herself away from the other littles insides and will sit in her room within and suck her thumb and rock and at times cry.. our t has been working with her trying to help her get past this stage.. lil one has shown signs of anger by throwing things.. destroying others property.. hitting.. and yelling..

she started showing all these signs after we had made the trip to visit mamas grave site (lil ones grama).. for many years lil one believed grama was still alive and just hiding.. that grama was playing hide-n-seek with her.. lil one fully believed that one day she would find grama or that grama would return to her.. and they would be reunited.. the visit to gramas grave set in confusion for lil one.. and brought many questions.. lil ones questions were answered with pure honesty and reality.. that grama was not returning.. that she was in heaven but that grama would live forever in her heart and that grama loved her very much.. this upset lil one to the fullest.. she questioned how grama got way up there to heaven.. she asked if grama had fairy wings and flew like a fairy.. some of these questions were hard to answer almost.. lil one stayed confused..

in the end of it all lil one felt the only way for her to be with her grama again was to end her life the way I,Kat, had tried to not long ago by OD'ing.. so lil one had it in her head that by taking my medications it would reunite to with grama.. when our t and i found this out we had to set up supervision for lil one.. almost non-stop.. its been very wearing on us.. but worth it.. finally after much work with our t lil one promised our t not to go looking for the medications anymore or to touch them.. we are hoping lil one means to keep her promise.. we kept her under supervision last night.. one of our ones within who is 8 named lynn said lil one came out for a little while to draw a picture to send to our t then went back within to her room.. lynn said she didnt talk much to her at all and did not know what she drew.. that lil one just wanted help attaching the picture to an e-mail.. that was it..

im hoping lil one being able to draw some helped.. today she has been in her box in her bedroom.. something she hides in at times when shes not in good shape.. ive been able to hear her sucking her thumb in there.. but nothing else.. my concern for lil one has not lessened at all.. i still am extremely concerned.. and deeply wish i knew how to help her.. i know the grief ive had and suffered for mamas passing.. its been overwhelming.. i cant begin to imagine it for a 7 year old who pretty much has lived in a dream world that her grama was still alive and out there and come to the shock that all the sudden shes not there at all.. and hadnt been for 2 years..

my heart goes out to lil one.. and i really hope she can pull through this safely.. we are all waiting and watching.. guess right now only time will tell..

K n all

If Only It Would Rain.......

this saying is so true for us.. its much easier for us to hide our tears in the rain cause no one can tell their there.. they just think its raindrops on our faces.. we can hide our tears so much easier in the rain than the sun shine and when we are standing face to face in front of someone..

sometimes we find it embarassing to cry in front of someone.. almost like we should feel ashamed of it.. when we can ease around a corner of darkness or bury our faces in our pillow and pull up the blankets and allow the tears to flow we find a little more safeness doing that.. as long as we still dont make any sounds with our cries..

who taught us that we had to be so quiet when we cry? that even a small whimper sound would be forbidden and wrong? that we should be ashamed of that type of sound coming from us. we wonder what it would sound like for us to really let a release of emotion out.. safely.. and would we be looked upon in shame and disqust if we did..

what makes us think we have to hold it together or stuff our feelings within so much.. not share.. is it fear we will be judged.. beat? tortured? locked up somewhere? not believed.. or not loved for "who" we are once we've let it all out.. once we "shown" ourselves..

If Only It Would Rain

if only it would rain..

we could reach within ourselves..

we could release this awful pain..

thats stacked upon these shelves..

if only it would rain..

we could walk amoungst the crowds..

we might could feel less of al this shame..

things within might be less and less so loud..

if only it would rain..

Copyright by K n all