Deciding what's best for Marky (our cat)

Marky has been a wonderful part of our lives for 2 years now.. He was given to us, along with another cat, by a very nice and loving couple that was moving to a place that would not allow animals. this couple had a total of 5 or 6 cats, so you know they were all very loved. We received Marky and Lil Bit together. They were very playful and each had their own likes and dislikes as cats do. One was very attention seeking and the other wanted his own space and approached you very calmly and would snuggle with you. Marky was quiet and medium size but had little bit of tummy on him. Lil Bit is HUGE, has one blue eye and one gold eye and would act shy at first and then bombard you wanting all the attention he could get out of you even up to the door as you left. For a long time Lil Bit ran the house hold, but things have change. Early this year we noticed a change in Marky.. he began to lose a LOT of weight.. he slept most of the time.. when he was awake he ate and ate and ate and ate then drank and drank and drank and drank then went back to sleep.. but never.. not once putting on a single pound.. just losing more and more weight.. even his hair beginning to thin.. he wasnt cleaning himself as well.. his eyes were kind of dazed.. and his meow became a silent meow.. you could see Marky was not well at all.. All this was happening over a 4 month period of time.. we became extremely worried..

so we found a vet and took him in ASAP.. they diagnosed Marky with diabetes.. at first he was taking 2 units of insulin shots 2 times a day.. it was not helping at all.. so they did a Glucose Curve Test on him and quickly raised it to 3 units.. where he is now.. still he is not himself.. he is still scarfing food down.. water down non-stop.. and when he urinates.. its almost like he can go to the bathroom like a human.. he can fill the bottom of the litter box with urine so much.. hes not suppose to be doing this.. so we know the amount of insulin hes receiving is still not enough.. we were told that the can food is better for his health than dry food.. so we have slowly switched both cats over to can food.. (9-lives) which they love.. but the sad part is when i set the food down for them.. Marky will gulp all his down extremely fast then run over to Lil Bit and force him to leave his and gulp his down too.. so Lil Bit will be left with nothing at all.. then the little bit of dry food that is left from us taking them off of it Marky will run over and continue to pig out on all of that.. then drink water for a few minutes.. then back to more dry food.. then water.. then back to dry food.. till ive finally started taking up the dry food so he will stop eating.. Marky doesnt know when to stop.. hes still so off track of his medicine that he dont know and cant stop himself..

the bills for the vet already have cost me bundles.. but ive worked it all out and been able to meet them all.. i love him.. id do anything for him.. i want to help him and i want to see him get the help he truly deserves..

but its come time for me to sadly make a decision.. i have to ask myself.. does Marky need a different care taker? someone who can provide him with more help than i can give him? someone who is more stabilized in finances than i am? in my heart.. i feel.. Yes.. although i know all of us and Lil Bit would dearly miss him.. we want to do what is right and what is best for Marky.. we want him to have a better life and have the full treatment he needs.. and we can only hope and pray that there is someone out there who would love him as much as we do and would loving care for him as we have..

All we can do is reach out and try to find someone...

and pray, pray, pray.. that our prayers will be answered and the perfect person for him will come....

well.. Thank you for listening...

here is a picture of Marky before he was diagnosed with diabetes..

K n all

One HUGE Lesson Learned

we know its been quite some time since we've be able to write.. so much has been happening for us.. online and offline.. its really been too much for us to handle.. way to much.. and we've spiraled down once more again.. if we didnt allow things online to whack us down as much and effect us like it does we might could stand our ground a little better for the things offline.. but to have the blows coming at us offline and online at the same time........ it makes us crash every time.. somehow for our sake we have to learn to handle them differently and much better.. cause if we dont we are either going to end up in the hospital ever time or end up self injuring ever time or end up trying to OD ever time or.... even worse.... that the attempt of the OD finally would take us out completely.. when we are hurt so bad by people either online or offline.. it digs so deep into us and takes us back to the days when we were hurt from our abusers.. it pulls up those nasty horrible feelings of what they did.. the flashes and memories.. and there we are.. feeling it all over again.. 10x harder..

we going to talk about something that we think we need to talk about.. maybe it will help get it off our mind and chest.. dont really know.. i first opened a forum in 1998.. i ran it from 1998 - 2000.. i closed that forum down due to lack of members.. there was only 2 of us.. i opened a second forum in 2001 - 2005.. then closed that one when mama passed away in September.. she was my co-host at that forum.. i felt lost without her there and needed time to grief over her.. i finally felt strong enough to try it again in August of 2006.. i opened another forum.. which im not going to mention the name of it and i would appreciate it if the name stayed unmentioned.. anyway.. in all the forums that i owned and ran the whole time.. never once did anyone have a problem with the Rules & Guidelines that i had set up for the forums.. they were there to keep all the members safe.. of course including myself and my system.. things had always worked out just fine.. never had any complaints and everyone always abide by the rules.. and respected each other and staff.. ....well.. till this last forum i set up.. you see.. in the Rules ive always put up i had it always set to where you had to use spoilers to help protect ones who were survivors of SRA and abuse.. ones who were easily triggered by words such as blo*d and c*lt and p*nis and so on.. words that easily make us want to vomit and send us into flashbacks as well as other SRA survivors and im sure other survivors of abuse.. thats why we had the rules of spoilers to be used in our old forum..

there were some members who didnt like it.. who found it down right unnecessary to use them and even said that using them triggered them to use them.. this we could not understand.. our system became very unsettled.. we wanted to make everyone happy at our site.. and be the ones to always keep the peace.. we are the type to want to always please people.. but not using spoilers? this actually scared us.. we knew the type of words we would be having to face seeing in front of our eyes on the boards.. and we knew it would cause many triggers for us.. this was not something we would be able to handle or feel safe with.. we all the sudden began feeling unsafe at our own site.. the talk amongst the members was still going on about not using the spoilers.. and we began drifting further and further away inside.. fear began to set in..

i, Kat, as the owner of the forum.. was too scared to speak up and say, NO.. the rules need to stay as they are! i was too afraid of not being liked or people getting mad at me for keeping the spoiler rule.. cause all i ever wanted was people to just be happy..

then i realized my teens were excluding themselves from the site.. because i was not speaking out about the rules.. then some of the littles.. they no longer felt safe there.. ...then.. some of the older ones.. and... i dont blame them.. i too.. no longer felt safe there either.. by the time it was all over.. one of my protectors and i were the only ones left there.. and we both excluded ourselves from the site as well..

we know it was wrong to just leave the site.. to totally leave the site with no admin.. but we all talked about it within.. and we talked to our t about it.. we did it for the safety for all of us.. to protect ourselves..

things happened after i, Kat, excluded myself.. i wasnt able to manage the board anymore.. cause it got locked.. but i was able to preview it.. i saw where members in there were fussing about who was going to take over my forum and run it.. never once did it cross their minds who was actually paying for that forum to sit there all that time.. or all that time they got to use it.. or... (i know all this has got to sound selfish) but even.. not comment about.. gosh.. wonder how kat n all is... or if they are ok?

and... it hurt..

now that no one can get into my old forum cause its locked and being closed down.. they've all gone back to the forum where they use to go.. and whats so sad and hurts me so deep.. is they are all talking about me and my old forum on that site they went back to.. nothing good either.. i have apologized over and over for how i left my old forum.. i do feel it was wrong.. but to go to another forum who knew nothing about anything and to talk about me and my old forum on it i just feel is not right at all.. i feel thats a huge dig at me.. and deeply hurts..

i have cried and cried about this.. i make mistakes.. everyone does.. but you always learn from those mistakes.. apologize for what you did.. and pick up and move on.. ive apologized to all of them.. i learned.. but im having the hardest time picking up and moving on.. knowing that im being torn apart at another place...

my old t use to tell me.. all that matters is that you tried your hardest..

and i did... i did try my hardest... but maybe.. just maybe.. it wasnt hard enough this time.. i just dont know...

this is the honest first time that i never want to come back to the Internet... the first time that i never want to see the outdoors again... that i dont even want to be around another person... and that everyone within had backed away and doesnt trust people online anymore.. as i said.. we learned..... now we just want to disappear......

k and everyone of us within

An Article We Would Like to Share

this is an article from the Daily OM and it really touched us today and brought a smile to our faces and hearts.. its something we needed to hear and read.. and we would like to share it and pass it on to everyone else..

A Good Turn DailyHelping The World Every Day

Each of us is more than capable of helping the world, despite our fears and limitations and the uncertainty that holds us back. It is commonly accepted that it is impossible to make a difference without unlimited funding or free time, yet most healing, cleansing, and spreading of joy is accomplished in a matter of minutes. If we vow to make the world a better place one day at a time, the true significance of small good deeds reveals itself to us. We come to see that we can be of service without dedicating our lives to recognized charities or giving up the pleasures we enjoy. The warmth we feel when we help the world is only a tiny part of the affirmative transformations that take place when we make altruism a part of everyday existence.We make our homes, workplaces, communities, and countries better and brighter when we think positive thoughts that echo outward, give donations of time or money, smile at everyone we meet, and lend those in need of aid our assistance. As we learn, we inadvertently improve the universe because we can only be truly involved when we are informed. Even enthusiastically sharing ideas with others generates positive energy that then serves as the motivation for more tangible change. Selfless and helpful deeds remind us that we exercise some degree of control over a world that can seem chaotic at times. Even the smallest of such deeds is a demonstration of the fact that we are capable of changing the world in a positive way. So much negative energy is generated by the suffering, pain, and close-mindedness we are regularly exposed to, but we can counteract it in a constructive way by thinking and acting altruistically when opportunities to do so arise. Helping the world often takes no more than a moment, just a wish for the world is a beautiful gesture and can be done by even the busiest of people effortlessly. The gift you give each day need not be grand or attention-worthy because the broader benefits are the same no matter the literal repercussions. Once a day, you can affect reality, and you can reap the rewards of knowing that you are making the world a better place, day by day.

this really stood out to us.. that we, "WE" can make a difference.. even in the smallest, simplist ways.. just a smile.. or just helping someone or even just by donating things we dont need, use or that others may need.. this has helped open our eyes and mind to new ideas and ways we can make a difference for others and in the world.. even if sometimes it is just a smile, wishing someone a good day or a making a connection with someone and sharing a conversation with them.. it just might change their day in some way.. you never know..

so.. to make a start..

AND

K n all

Things That Matter to Us - Part 1(Dreaming2Fly)

we dont think we get enough chances to write about the things that matter to us.. so tonight we are going to spend that time doing just that.. and anyone who wants to contribute within our system will add their own in Parts added onto Our Dream to Fly Blog..

as for me, K or Dreaming2Fly there are many things that matter to me..
-for one our entire Systems within do.. and all within them..
-my birth children..
-the people who supprt us like:
-our t, C..
-our community support provider, M..
-our case manager, K..
-our online friends who are so kind to us..
-the forum i run matters to me and its website..
-the blogs i write in matter to me..
-the well being of my birth family matters to me, even though we may not always see eye to eye..
-my cats matter to me, a whole lot and the proper care for them..
-helping others matters to me..
-helping others understand and learn about depression, MPD/DID, flashbacks, SRA, PTSD, triggers, self-injury, coping skills, DBT, ways to self- soothe and more matters to me..
-help stopping child abuse, domestic violence, and rape completely matters to me..
-finding happiness matters to me..
-learning when to reach out to others and when to do it on my own matters to me..
-learning when to trust and when not to matters to me..
-becoming more comfortable with my surroundings matters to me..
-learning to accept i cant do it all the time, that i need breaks..
-learning not to judge myself so harshly..
-learning to give others a chance..
-learning to accept that others really do care matters to me..
-learning that just being "me" is not so bad, matters to me..
-learning that its ok to say how i feel and what im feeling or thinking matters to me, even thought it can be really hard at times..
-learning that its ok to be angry matters to me..
-my hardest one is trying to learn not to shut people out when im having a hard time.. this does matter to me..
-its hard to say this.. specially right now when things are so bad.. but... i think my life matters to me.. im trying for it to matter to me..
-it matters to me if the sun rises and sets each day..
-if definitely matters to me if its cold outside..
-people who are ill, sick or dying matter to me..
-people who are sad, alone, lonely, grieving, hurting, lost, scared/afraid, or in any type of emotional pain matter to me..
-learning to be a better person matters to me..
-learning to get better matters to me..
-learning to overcome where i am now... it matters to me.. i dont like being stuck..
-learning to accept help.. matters to me..
-learning to listen matter to me..
-moving forward matters to me.. i know i may stumble back sometimes.. but we all do.. then we dust ourselves off and continue onward..
-finding the light in the end and not staying in the darkness matters to me..
-learning from your own lessons.. and not repeating them.. thought it may not be easy at first.. but you'll get there.. it matters to me..

im sure there is plenty more things that matter to me.. but this is my list so far.. if i think of more i will make another writing for myself with a Part 2-Dreaming2Fly

K (Dreming2Fly)

my 2 cents.. nobody ever said it was worth much anyway..

theres just a few things i want to say.. though they may not be encouraging to anyone but.. im sure we all have those time when we are not our best.. dont we?

first.. giving up doesnt always mean you are weak.. sometimes it means you are strong enough to let go!

have you ever been hurt.. and the place tries to heal.. and you just pull the scar off it over and over again?

to me relationships are like glass.. and to me sometimes its better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together..

maybe part of loving.... IS.. letting go.....

i never knew how bad it could hurt to lose something... i never really had in the first place.. i only "thought" i had..

sorry to be such the downer.. but thats my 2 cents for whoever cares..

K

Our Heart-Broken Child

for a while now we have been trying to help one of our littles within named lil one.. she has gotten to where she isolates herself away from the other littles insides and will sit in her room within and suck her thumb and rock and at times cry.. our t has been working with her trying to help her get past this stage.. lil one has shown signs of anger by throwing things.. destroying others property.. hitting.. and yelling..

she started showing all these signs after we had made the trip to visit mamas grave site (lil ones grama).. for many years lil one believed grama was still alive and just hiding.. that grama was playing hide-n-seek with her.. lil one fully believed that one day she would find grama or that grama would return to her.. and they would be reunited.. the visit to gramas grave set in confusion for lil one.. and brought many questions.. lil ones questions were answered with pure honesty and reality.. that grama was not returning.. that she was in heaven but that grama would live forever in her heart and that grama loved her very much.. this upset lil one to the fullest.. she questioned how grama got way up there to heaven.. she asked if grama had fairy wings and flew like a fairy.. some of these questions were hard to answer almost.. lil one stayed confused..

in the end of it all lil one felt the only way for her to be with her grama again was to end her life the way I,Kat, had tried to not long ago by OD'ing.. so lil one had it in her head that by taking my medications it would reunite to with grama.. when our t and i found this out we had to set up supervision for lil one.. almost non-stop.. its been very wearing on us.. but worth it.. finally after much work with our t lil one promised our t not to go looking for the medications anymore or to touch them.. we are hoping lil one means to keep her promise.. we kept her under supervision last night.. one of our ones within who is 8 named lynn said lil one came out for a little while to draw a picture to send to our t then went back within to her room.. lynn said she didnt talk much to her at all and did not know what she drew.. that lil one just wanted help attaching the picture to an e-mail.. that was it..

im hoping lil one being able to draw some helped.. today she has been in her box in her bedroom.. something she hides in at times when shes not in good shape.. ive been able to hear her sucking her thumb in there.. but nothing else.. my concern for lil one has not lessened at all.. i still am extremely concerned.. and deeply wish i knew how to help her.. i know the grief ive had and suffered for mamas passing.. its been overwhelming.. i cant begin to imagine it for a 7 year old who pretty much has lived in a dream world that her grama was still alive and out there and come to the shock that all the sudden shes not there at all.. and hadnt been for 2 years..

my heart goes out to lil one.. and i really hope she can pull through this safely.. we are all waiting and watching.. guess right now only time will tell..

K n all

If Only It Would Rain.......

this saying is so true for us.. its much easier for us to hide our tears in the rain cause no one can tell their there.. they just think its raindrops on our faces.. we can hide our tears so much easier in the rain than the sun shine and when we are standing face to face in front of someone..

sometimes we find it embarassing to cry in front of someone.. almost like we should feel ashamed of it.. when we can ease around a corner of darkness or bury our faces in our pillow and pull up the blankets and allow the tears to flow we find a little more safeness doing that.. as long as we still dont make any sounds with our cries..

who taught us that we had to be so quiet when we cry? that even a small whimper sound would be forbidden and wrong? that we should be ashamed of that type of sound coming from us. we wonder what it would sound like for us to really let a release of emotion out.. safely.. and would we be looked upon in shame and disqust if we did..

what makes us think we have to hold it together or stuff our feelings within so much.. not share.. is it fear we will be judged.. beat? tortured? locked up somewhere? not believed.. or not loved for "who" we are once we've let it all out.. once we "shown" ourselves..

If Only It Would Rain

if only it would rain..

we could reach within ourselves..

we could release this awful pain..

thats stacked upon these shelves..

if only it would rain..

we could walk amoungst the crowds..

we might could feel less of al this shame..

things within might be less and less so loud..

if only it would rain..

Copyright by K n all

Erupting Volcanos

today in during our sesssion our t had us build a volcano out of Playdough.. we picked the colors for it.. we used yellow, green, dark pink, red, and tiny, tiny bits of white.. the base of the Volcano was yellow.. then we added a next higher level of green.. then next higher level of dark pink.. then closed a sealed topping over it with red.. we put tiny, tiny small pebbles of white around the bottom base of it here and there for little white rocks...

she then brought around some people figures.. some real little rocks.. little alligator figures.. an Alf figure and 2 rubber frogs..

for the people there was 3 or 4 children.. a dad.. a mom.. and a grandmother..
she asked us to place these anywhere we would think they would go..

well.. we added the rocks to the base of the Volcano.. then the rubber frogs to climb on them.. and the alligators not too far away from them..

then we placed the kids close to the Volcano cause kids are always curious about things and wanting to check things out and see.. so we placed them right by the rocks.. standing towards the Volcano..

we placed the parents way off somewhere else.. no where near the kids.. since parents usually never keep an eye on their kids like their suppose to.. we put the grandmother to the side with some extra rocks sort of like she was messing around in a garden.. and the Alf figure we put him far away and said he was at home in the kids bedroom..

our t then made a hold in the center of our Volcano.. and placed some baking soda in a small cup shaped thing.. and poured water into it.. and it made the Volcano erupt.. the water seeping down was to be the lava exploding.. it would have gotten the children, frogs.. aligators and all on the rocks.. and further if it hadnt of been sheltered in..

we then talked about words describing a non active Volcano.. and an active Volcano..

we talked about if we could place this Volcano we were building anywhere.. where would we have placed it.. we told her on the mothers bed..
we then talked about the Volcano within ourselves.. what signs are there before and after the Volcano erupts within ourselves..

we listed many many different signs..

we learned alot from this today.. and we believe our t did also.. it was really interesting to do.. and to hear ourselves easily come out and say all these signs of things we do was almost shocking in some ways.. it just kind of flowed out of us..
in a way it was hard work but good work.. we are glad we had a chance to get to do this experiment today..

have you ever thought about erupting Volcanos before?

even your very own erupting Volcano within yourself?

could be something to think about.....

K n all

Lost in the Unknown

so much has happened with us.. we are not sure where to begin or end.. the picture above shows and describes well exactly how we all are feeling right now.. least for most of us..

some of our sessions with our t have not gone as well as we wanted them to.. we feel a loss in there.. like something has shifted.. like something in the t and client relationship has shifted.. we feel she doesnt keep as much contact with us like she use to.. weekends when we are away from everyone its our hardest time.. she use to be able to check in with us.. that doesnt happen anymore.. she use to keep in touch with us through e-mail or IM.. that rarely happens anymore.. and in our sessions she use to be able to spend a little extra time there.. that doesnt happen anymore.. in ways we can understand though because she has other clients and a family life to take care of.. something we dont have.. but it leaves us also feeling somewhat rejected or as if we did something wrong.. or that we ask for too much.. maybe we do..

last week was a really hard week for us.. i, Kat, overdosed last Sunday night.. i did it very numbingly.. at this point right now.. i feel i dont care that i did it.. im saddened that i can even screw up on an overdose.. but fact still remains im alive still.. and here to face things.. on last Tuesday we went to Mamas gr*ve site.. it was her 2nd year anniv. of her passing.. we didnt get to stay long cause our t had to leave.. i had things built up in me i wanted to say and express.. but i knew by the time i started to share them she would be heading out.. so i pushed everything back down inside me and held back my tears.. went back to my numb stage..

you see theres a story behind mamas passing.. when she died.. her sister Dot blamed me for her death.. she said i stressed her out so bad that i killed her.. i have blamed myself for mamas death ever since.. i have deeply felt that i deserve to be in jail and to be serving time for killing mama.. Dot would not allow me to go to mama viewing or funeral because of all this.. i never really had a chance to say "goodbye" to mama in any way at all.. but ive lived with the guilt of killing her for 2 years so far now.. and the words of Dot echo in me every single day.. and while mama is rotting in her gr*ve i feel i should be the one rotting away down there instead.. i dont feel i will ever be able to forgive myself for killing her.. i want to turn myself into jail but my old t said they would never take me because i didnt do anything wrong.. i dont know.. i feel i did..

this week we also found out one of our cats named Marky has diabeties.. we now have to give him insulin shots twice a day.. this is so draining on us.. we love our cat.. but the medical exspense of it has emptied us out.. we are not sure how we are going to make it.. we dont feel we have much understanding and support about this issue regarding our finances right now and the cost of Marky added to it.. seems others just dont understand our limit and what we can offord.. we just feel so lost, burdened and stuck..

last night.. i, Kat, found myself in that numb stage again.. while i was getting my medications out for the night.. when i was putting them in my hands that passing thought to add more to my hand was there again.. i stood there with the bottle tilted and my hand held steady under the bottle.. i was frozen.. numb.. i dont know what or why i keep getting the feelings and pushes to add more pills to my hand.. i mean i know i feel overwhelmed with life right now.. i know i feel worthless and that people are not really there for us right now and that things really wont even change.. what sort of makes me a little nervous is what will happen when i stand there too long with that bottle tilted and my hand steady and more do fall into it.. and im in that numb stage.. frozen.. with no care like before.. and i do it again.. and i dont wake up the next morning.. and that next morning would have been the day something special something would have changed in our lives.. that next morning someone would have really honestly cared about us and giving a little extra time for us.. and honestly reached their hand out to us and did something a little extra special for us to show they actually "loved" us..

we are so use to people saying they will do this or that.. or they will take us here or there one day.. but nothing ever happens.. we have learned not to get our hopes up anymore.. so many people have made promises to us and broke them that when they promise things now we almost laugh when they do it now.. cause we know its not going to be the truth.. we know its not real.. but deep in our hearts.. it breaks us down deeper and deeper.. and litterly hurts us more and more.. specially the littles.. who heard so many of those promises in younger years and were always broken.. they never wanted it to happen in present times with people they know, love and adore nowadays.. we try hard to protect them.. but even we fail at times..

we are all tired.. moody.. on edge.. unsure.. lost.. nervous.. and feel as if we are running here and there and everywhere.. we all want to be focused and working on the same page but we arnt.. theres just too much going on and too many mixed feelings from so many within.. we are lost in the shuffle of the unknown.. with what feels no way out right now.. and we cant survive this way nor function like this.. something has to happen.. we are just not sure what yet..

K n all

Weeble Wobble Family on the Go

well.. we are back.. still not quite steady on our feet yet but we are back.. things have been totally chaotic for us.. like one slap in the face after another.. we are worn.. very tired.. struggling.. at times dragging our feet but still moving along.. just a little slower than usual for us.. instead of us being able to work on several things at one time.. right now we are only being able to look at maybe 1 or 2 things at a time.. and just barely toss them back and forth without dropping them both..

we did not expect things to turn out this way for us at all.. this was just so unexpected.. and as we seem to keep crawling over these hills we keep losing our footing and slipping back down into one another.. then having to start over again rethinking about other ways to go about it all..

one clear thing we know right now.. is we all want out of this pit we have slid into.. this is not the way we were meant to live our lives.. and the chaos is just not for us.. we love for peace, hope, harmony and freedom.. we strive to acheive just that too.. and some of us are deeply sadden because we feel as if those dreams we have.. have been stashed away in a box out of reach somewhere..

today we had a t session.. our t mainly worked with one of our younger inner ones named lil one.. lil one has been struggling also quite a bit.. she is 7 years old and suffered some deep trauma like many of us.. the session with lil one helped.. lil one is no longer hiding away in her box but instead she is out looking around.. shes not quite fully herself again yet.. but at least shes not hiding away..

we know that there are quite a few within that is needing some help right now.. and if they dont receive that help things will be heading downhill for us even much worse than it is now..

we have one named jesse.. she is 15.. she got upset must of been a week or so ago now.. and she ran away within.. shes not been heard from since.. we all deeply miss her.. we know that weighs heavy on some of the ones within.. we want her to come home safe and sound and soon.. shes part of our family.. and we are not complete without her..

the holiday of H*llowe*n will be coming upon us very very soon.. it is a extremely triggering holiday for us.. holds many horrifing memories for us and we are sharply triggered by all the decorations that are put out by the public and in stores.. makes it hard to go out anywhere or even want to leave our home.. to many memories of the rituals are brought up within and we fight the images we see, smell, taste, hear, feel and remember.. making it all much to real.. that we pull back and shut down without realizing it.. just happens so fast..

this month also holds the 2nd anniversary of Mama passing.. (not the birth mother).. "mama" was someone we "heart" adopted as a mom.. she was the one and only person we ever had in our life who showed us and taught us what a real loving mom was suppose to be like.. one who loves you tenderly.. consistantly..
she had myasthenia gravis disease.. she had it since she was 19 years old.. plus she had so many other things she suffered with.. this woman was one brave lady and one true survivor..

scary part is that some of us have not been able to face her passing.. lil one just thinks shes hiding out there somewhere playing hide and seek with her.. and she begs and begs for Grama to come on back cause she just cant find her hiding spot..
we have only been to mamas grave once.. that was when ( i Kat) could only stand there numbingly and stare down at it.. then suddenly kick the dirt on it and frustratingly say "Your Not In There!!! , Nothings In There" ... then i ran away from it and just wanted to get out of there..

never again did we go back.. thats been almost 2 years ago.. well.... on Sept. 25.. our t and us will be going there together.. we are nervous.. we are not sure what will happen or how we will react again.. it will be 2 years on the 25th that shes been gone.. guess we will find out - wont we?

K n all